Jason: You know what I love? A press release for an album that includes the word “vomits.”

Jeff: Okay, that’s all I needed to hear. See you on December 26!

Jason: Come back here. You know you aren’t allowed to leave at this point.

Jeff: But “vomits.”


Jeff: …equals “vomits.” You win.

Jason: *death metal leprechaun dance*

Jeff: Oh, death metal? Why didn’t you say so?

Jason: ….that changes things for you?

Jason: Ha ha ha! I forgot about that!

“Just in time for the holiday season, Hate Eternal bass maverick J.J. Hrubovcak vomits forth Death Metal Christmas — Hellish Renditions Of Christmas Classics, a twistedly unholy rendition of some of the seasons darkest hymns.”

Wait, didn’t we cover Susan Boyle yesterday?

Jeff: *rimshot*

Jason: Thank you! Try the eggnog!

Jeff: I’ve never heard of Hate Eternal or J.J. Hrubovcak, but I have no doubt this is absolutely what we need right now.

Jason: “Far from a campy holiday metal record, Christmas — Hellish Renditions Of Christmas Classics comes replete with updated arrangements, blast beats, double bass drum battery…” Doesn’t this sound like an SNL Stefon sketch?

Jeff: YES!

Jason: My guess is that the actual tracks don’t “sound” like anything we’ve heard in a while.

Jeff: Does this album also have the human R2-D2?

Jason: Oh, I’m sure there’s someone midget-sized somewhere.

Jeff: I hope this sounds like Gary Hoey’s Christmas records. I like those.

Jason: Those are great! I’m guessing this is nothing like any of those records. I do like how Hrubovcak puts his own spin on some of these titles. “O Come, O Come, Azrael (O Come, O Come, Emmanuel)”

Jeff: As long as none of them end in “(feat. Kermit),” I’m cool.

Jason: “Unrest For Melancholy Men (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen).” That sounds good — and applicable for you and me.

Jeff: Absolutely.

Jason and Jeff in unison: WHOA.

Jason: OH YES.

I mean, I think. I don’t know.

Jeff: J.J. Hrubovcak isn’t fucking around!



Jeff: *claws earbuds out, turns on all lights in the house*

Jason: Remember the guy in the Maxell commercial with his hair blown back? That’s me right now.

Jeff: Cookie Monster has never sounded so horrifying.

Jason: This guy sounds like he ATE Cookie Monster.

Jeff: This is like a really angry Tuvan monk.

Jason: Oh good, the drums are taking a little breathe — wait, that’s over.

Jeff: Oh, you mean that little half-second pause? Yeah, that was a nice touch. Solo!

Jason: Is that what it is?

Jeff: Or something.

Jason: I’m waiting for the guest vocal from Judy Collins.

Jeff: This sounds like Yngwie Malmsteen trapped in a cage with that gorilla that used to beat the shit out of the suitcase in the luggage commercials.

Jason: So much anger in J.J., Jeff. We should send him flowers.

Jeff: We should hook him up with Wintley Phipps! Those two would sound amazing together.

Jason: Which one? Carnie?

Jeff: They can cover “VERGISSMEINNICHT” as a duet! (feat. Elvis Presley)

Jason: Well, my ears hurt. How about yours?

Jeff: Yes, but I also feel cleansed somehow.

Jason: I will give you $20 if you wake your son up tomorrow with this song. He’ll never act up again! He’ll also never sleep again, but what are you gonna do.

Jeff: I’ll do that for free. It’d serve him right.

I feel like this may have been a Mellowmas turning point. I was feeling worn out before, but J.J. Hrubovcak has given me new strength.

Jason: Wow! I’m impressed. We’ll see how you feel tomorrow. I feel like more vomit is on the horizon.

Jeff: If he can make it through recording the vocals for that song, I can sit here and take whatever awfulness the rest of the month has in store. Thank you, J.J.! Please don’t hurt me. I liked your nice song. Jason was the one who didn’t.

Jason: Sweet! Checking to see if Shelley Duvall has released anything lately.

Jeff: I’m looking up your address so I can give it to J.J. Hrubovcak.

Jason: I hate you.

Jeff: I feel like he might be living in my neighbor’s creepy shed, and I need to throw him off my trail.

Jason: Sure, send him to Queens! It’ll serve him right.

Hang on, there’s apparently a story behind this album.

“At this point, Azrael is fully self-actualized and carries out acts of suffering and death throughout the world in a way never before witnessed by mankind.”

I’m just going to let that sit there for a little bit.

Jeff: Azrael, Mellowmas mascot.

Jason: All hail Azrael!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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