andrea-bocelli-my-christma[1]

The Seventh Day of Mellowmas: Ready for This Bo-Jelli

Jeff: MERRY SEVENTH DAY OF MELLOWMAS JASON

Jason: Fuckin’ Andrea Bocelli, man.

Jeff: Andrea Bocelli? Why are you sitting here thinking about Andrea Bocelli?

Jason: Why do you think I’m sitting here thinking about Andrea Bocelli? Because he released a goddamn Christmas album, that’s why!

Jeff: Of course he did. I was blind, but now I see. HA HA HA

Jason: sigh The whole thing just rubs me the wrong way. I’m not denying that Andrea Bocelli is a tremendous — tremendous! — talent.

Jeff: When is Johnny Gill going to release a Christmas album?

Jason: Totally different way of rubbing, and that’s probably the only time those two artists have been mentioned in the same chat.

Jeff: Musically speaking, I don’t think I’d be able to tell my Bocelli from my Buble. I just know mothers-in-law are fond of them both.

Jason: Oh, don’t you worry. We’ll get to Buble.

Jeff: Will we? WILL WE, JASON?

Jason: Unless I shoot myself tonight, which is a very good possibility, yes.

Jeff: sad leprechaun dance

Anyway! Andrea Bocelli, who is blind.

Jason: And a great artist.

Jeff: Like Bob Ross?

Jason: Yes. Exactly like Bob Ross. That was the comparison I was about to make. It’s like you live inside my brain. What’s wrong with you today?

Jeff: It’s the seventh fucking day of Mellowmas! I can’t believe you’re asking. Jason, why doesn’t Andrea Bocelli wear shades?

Jason: I hope you have a great punchline coming.

Jeff: No, I really just wanted to know why Andrea Bocelli doesn’t wear shades. Like Stevie Wonder. Actually, now I’m wondering why Andrea Bocelli doesn’t play harmonica, but I guess you probably don’t know the answer to that either.

Jason: All I know is what Andrea Bocelli represented to David Foster the minute Foster laid eyes (HA!) on him: Big, fat fuckin’ dollar signs.

Jeff: Fortunately, Andrea Bocelli knows how to sing, as well as how to pose for an album cover that makes it look disconcertingly like he is a disembodied head, forearms, and crotch.

Jason: Holy crap, you’re right.

Jeff: Andrea Bocelli: My Turtleneck Christmas.

Jason: Why is he wringing his hands?

Jeff: He lost his harmonica?

Wait, did you say David Foster? I think I have something else to do right now.

Jason: Get back here. You know there’s no running away from Mellowmas. Anyway, we weren’t content to let Andrea Bocelli just sing…I don’t know, whatever it is he sings.

Jeff: “Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey”?

Jason: Wow. I just realized he has further to fall.

Jeff: Ha! Okay, now I feel better about whatever we’re about to hear.

Jason: So we couldn’t just let him sing his Italian operettas or whatever. We had to monetize him — and by “monetize,” I mean “Americanize.” We couldn’t just let him sing, I dunno, “Ave Maria” twenty times in a row. We had to reduce him to the lowest common denominator.

Jeff: No matter how hard I try and pull you away from the gaping maw of whatever horror you’re hinting at, you won’t be deterred, so I’m giving up now. What in the hell did you find?

Jason: Well, the second lowest common denominator, now that you’ve put the awful idea of him singing “Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey” into my head. Which, in my mind, is him singing “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.” It’s just unnecessary.

Jeff: Ugh, I hate that song. When was the last time we covered someone’s version of it? I feel like we’ve avoided it for a long time.

Jason: I can’t remember. This all blends in for me.

Jeff: I think the last time was when Jerry Douglas channeled Tom Waits, which feels like it was last week.

Jason: OH GOD THAT’S RIGHT.

Jeff: Is this better than that?

Jason: Well, it’d have to be, if you recall that vocal.

Jeff: Fingers crossed for lots of accordions and mandolins!

Jason: Bocelli can sing. Bocelli can SANG.

Jeff: True! So can Celine Dion. That doesn’t count for as much as I’d like.

Jason: Well, let’s see exactly how much it counts for when he’s stuck singing material he has no reason to sing.

Jeff: Are you ready for this Bo-jelli?

Andrea Bocelli, “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” (download)

Jeff: Oh good, it’s a heavy Italian accent.

Jason: Why do we make him sing in English? He sounds like the Godfather.

Jeff: The Godfather would never do this.

Jason: So tasteful, string section.

Jeff: He sounds like Roberto Benigni busking.

Jason: Oooh, get ready for whimsy, Jeff!

Jeff: SHUT UP WHIMSY

Jason: We’re singing in the rain!

Jeff: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH KIDS

Jason: AND THERE THEY FUCKING ARE. He’s singing AFTER the kids.

Jeff: Well, that does it. I’m wadding up this track and throwing it in the Mellowmas fire.

Jason: Three minutes left! And the kids are whistling!

Jeff: Which is more obnoxious — that string arrangement, or the kids? I can’t decide.

Jason: Oh, definitely the kids. It’s like he walked into the orphanage from Annie.

Jeff: I really can’t decide, because the string arrangement is deadly patronizing. Did Foster arrange this after Bocelli was late on a payment or something?

Jason: Ready for a goddamn big finish?

Jeff: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake

Jason: He’s like the Daddy Warbucks of Mellowmas.

Jeff: Hey, harmonica! Awesome!

Jason: I knew that was coming, I just didn’t want to tell you. Although it might be a melodica, or an I DON’T CARE

Jeff: I hope Stevie Wonder is playing that. I’m picturing Andrea and Stevie accidentally bumping into each other in the booth.

Jason: and THERE’S THE KEY CHANGE

Jeff: “Who’s coming? Who’s coming?”

Jason: He’s legitimately asking! “Who’s coming? I’m blind! I can’t see anybody!”

Jeff: Oh, that was gross.

Jason: This is what I’m talking about. Go sing “Adeste Fideles” or “Caro Gesu Bambino” or whatever, but don’t sing the shitty stuff.

Jeff: He can’t speak American, the kids are insulting, and that string arrangement is just foul.

Jason: Leave all that to the American Idol rejects.

Jeff: Mandisa!

Jason: Omarosa! Oh wait. Different awful show.

Jeff: You watch too much reality television. I’ve been telling you for years.

Jason: You know what I didn’t watch? The Andrea Bocelli & David Foster Christmas Special.

Jeff: First of all, I don’t want to believe this is real. Second of all, I think Kenny G was probably there.

Jason: Andrea Bocelli & David Foster: A Lucrative Winter’s Night.

Jeff: Andrea Bocelli & David Foster: So Many Slacks for Christmas.

Jason: This album was the top-selling holiday album of 2009.

Jeff: Fuck 2009.

Jason: And the fifth best-selling album of the entire year!

Jeff: I repeat, fuck 2009.

Jason: It was only released on November 3rd! So yes. Fuck 2009. Although it’s not like I can even say anything bad about Bocelli — he’s brilliant.

Jeff: Mothers-in-law be buyin’ records, yo! I’m sure by the time this is published, Rod Stewart’s goddamn Christmas album will be quintuple platinum.

Jason: I think I already pre-ordered that one for my mother.

Jeff: And again, I don’t know anything about Andrea Bocelli’s music, but I do know he isn’t above stooping to crap like this, which I guess is the way to mainstream success these days. As you pointed out, “brilliant.”

Jason: That’s why I’m so upset! I need to go lie down.

Jeff: The more we talk about Andrea Bocelli, the more I feel like you own some of his music.

Jason: I swear to you I don’t.

Jeff: Maybe “own” was too strong a word. Maybe I need to look at your Spotify playlists.

Jason: Look at whatever you want. I need to close my eyes, and dream sweet dreams of Andrea Bocelli walking around and accidentally taking a few kids out with his cane. Maybe poking smug David Foster in the face, too.

Jeff: Oh, I’d love to see that. Will Stevie Wonder be there?

Jason: The day Stevie Wonder collaborates with David Foster, I’m going to…wait, has that happened?

Jeff: My Mellowmas gift to you is to end this conversation before either of us can go and find out for sure.

Jason: OH GOD
IT HAS
AND IT HAPPENED ON AN ANDREA BOCELLI SONG

Fuck this, I’m out.

Jeff: Me, I’m going to go listen to Bocelli’s duet with Julio Iglesias on “Besame Mucho.”

Jason: THAT HAPPENED TOO?

Jeff: Merry Mellowmas, my friend! MERRY MELLOWMAS.




  • http://twitter.com/popblerd Popblerd.com

    Johnny Gill: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nXgfkLbnrc

    …and, Rod Stewart has already been certified Platinum…

  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    Is this supposed to be ironic, like Alanis Morissette singing “My Humps”?

  • http://twitter.com/mordalo Mordalo

    Frightening concept is…my wife owns this album. *hangs head in shame*

  • http://twitter.com/jukebox65 Stacy

    A woman I used to work with was one day talking about going to see “Andrea” Bocelli because “she” is just fabulous. Uh huh. “She” is.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I wish we could get video footage of her at the show.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1277428130 Jay Nagy

    –He’s legitimately asking! “Who’s coming? I’m blind! I can’t see anybody!”–

    Dead.

    DEAD.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I’m not sure David Foster has ever been ironic, Beau. Although wouldn’t it be great if he *always* was?

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    “Who’s dead?”

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I hate to tell you this, but your wife might be your mother-in-law. Get that checked out as soon as possible.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    Of course he has. *sigh*

  • http://www.grayflannelsuit.net/ Chris Holmes

    I’ll take Bocelli over Buble every day of the week and twice on Sunday. Yes, this is pandering crap but at least Andrea is actually singing. Buble sounds like he’s smirking his way through every lazy, half-assed note he sings. Fuck Michael Buble. I hope Josh Groban clubs him in the adam’s apple one day.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ Ted

    It’s supposed to be a playful song, yet Bocelli wrings every bit of playfulness out it. Brilliant! Clearly, this is his salvo in the Hundred Years’ War on Christmas.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Rob-Wynne/565771662 Rob Wynne

    *trips over body*

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    Someone call Bill O’Reilly!

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    We have some things in store for you this Mellowmas, Chris Holmes. Some things…in store.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ Ted

    I think the mental ward he has checked himself into has an unlisted number.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kingofgrief Jeffrey Thames

    Jon Stewart’s bound to have it.

  • http://twitter.com/mordalo Mordalo

    That…is truly frightening.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    “Why won’t she open her eyes?”

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    So when do we get the Jackie Evancho Christmas track? I know it’s coming…

  • http://www.terjefjelde.com/ Terje Fjelde

    That’s so odd. Try this: Concentrate and stare at the point between his eyebrows while you’re listening to the song, and then close your eyes when the song ends.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    I…I think I see David Foster’s middle finger.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    Poor Jackie Evancho — I’d forgotten all about her. But I’m in the minority, I guess — she released an album this year that broke the Top 10 on Billboard’s Top 200 and hit Number One on the Classical chart.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    First time I saw a Michael Buble album I thought it was “bubbulah,” as in “Michael, bubbulah, why don’t you call your mother more often?”

  • ozarkmatt

    Somewhere out there is Bocelli’s agent. That guy/gal needs to go ahead and book his/her place in music hell.
    Bocelli could have been the next Pavarotti.

    His opera albums/appearances are awesome. Then he hooked up with Foster. Damn.