Jeff: Brrrrrrrrrr! It’s getting nippy out there! I was just outside making Mellowmas snow angels.

Jason: I was in my garage with the car running.

Jeff: Have you ever made a Mellowmas snow angel? It’s where you make a snow angel, and then you take a dump in each ear.

Jason: I believe a dump is left in my ear every day of this season. It takes me until February to get it fully rinsed.

Jeff: Now, now, Jason. You know Barbra Streisand doesn’t poop. She has servants who do that for her.

Jason: Barbara Mandrell, however? Big stinkin’ dumps.

Jeff: Yeah, I had to light a whole box of matches. She’s foul.

Jason: I believe there’s a Glade Plug-In scent called “Mandrell.”

Jeff: “Barbara Mandrell” is French for “courtesy flush.”

Jason: You just know the Mandrell sisters have had some mean farting contests.

Jeff: Isn’t that how the Grand Ole Opry started? Rootin’ tootin’!

Jeff: So listen, it occurs to me that what this Mellowmas has been missing is distracting, vaguely frightening eyebrows.

Jason: Yes! I was just wondering where Fred Schneider was this year. Or wait, am I confusing him with Charo again?

Jeff: Also missing this year: Artists whose names sound kind of like they might have been lifted from the nonsense words in that one Lionel Richie song.

Jason: We have a song by Jambo Jambo?

Jeff: Close. Mandisa!

Jason: Manwhoosa? Oh, wait! Isn’t that Terence Trent D’Arby’s new name?

Jeff: I think Terence Trent D’Arby’s new name is “Associate Since 2006.”

Jason: “Employee of the Month July 2008 & 2009.”

Jeff: Now I want to hear “Wishing Well.”

Jason: I once got Mandisa in my Leighton Meester. Oh, the pain.

Jeff: Did you wash it out with some cold Taylor Momsen?

Jason: Yes, but by then it had spread to my Figglehorn.

Jeff: Inoperable Figglehorn Mandisa. Very sad.

Jason: I’m surprised 4HIM hasn’t done a song about it. Curing IFM would surely bring about a Season of Love.

Jeff: Actually, you know, the title of today’s song should be right up your alley.

Jason: Please, let it be called “Michael McDonald.”

Jeff: Close! It’s “Christmas Makes Me Cry.”

Jason: Does it feature a 3-D Santa?

Jeff: No, but it does feature something called Matthew West.

Jason: Matthew Where?

Jeff: Matthew West is from Alabama, Italy.

Jason: And he has Dove nominations. But no Dove awards.

Jeff: Fingers crossed for an award!

Jason: “In 2007 he faced vocal issues which threatened his career with two months of prescribed vocal rest.”

Jeff: Ooooh. “Vocal issues.” Dude, Bob Dylan has been facing vocal issues for at least 50 years. Matthew West is an amateur.

Jason: “On July 26, 2002, only a week or two before signing a record contract with Universal South Records, West had an injury to his left arm which threatened his musical career and guitar playing. ” This guy has a lot of threats to his career. Maybe he should listen to what the universe is trying to tell him.

Jeff: Why are all these entries so vague?

Jason: Oh no, Jeff. This one isn’t vague:

“I locked myself out of my house. But I’d done that before, and I had a way of breaking in through a window. But this time, I had a really hard time getting the window open. I started pushing up on the window really hard and my hand broke through the glass. Blood starting spewing out of my left arm everywhere and I ran down my street screaming for help. After seeing so much blood, I went into shock and just blacked out in the middle of the street. The next thing I can remember is some construction workers praying over me in Spanish and then being taken to the hospital.”

Jeff: NO.

Jason: Breaking and entering isn’t very Christian-like. Doesn’t matter if it’s your own house.

Jeff: How horrible a person am I for crying tears of laughter at the thought of someone blacking out in the street after accidentally punching through their own window?

Jason: No more horrible than you were for sending me this track in the first place.

Jeff: But it’s Mandisa, Jason. Jambo Jambo.

Jason: Oh yes. We’ve forgotten about Mandwhoosa.

Jeff: Oh, goddammit.

Jason: What?

Jeff: She’s from American Idol.

Jason: If you say so.

Jeff: “She stated that her musical influences run the gamut from Whitney Houston to Def Leppard.”

Jason: “When Mandisa presented herself to the judges prior to the final cut-down to the season’s 24 semi-finalists, she told Cowell: ‘What I want to say to you is that, yes, you hurt me and I cried and it was painful, it really was. But I want you to know that I’ve forgiven you and that you don’t need someone to apologize in order to forgive somebody. I figure that if Jesus could die so that all of my wrongs could be forgiven, I can certainly extend that same grace to you.’ Cowell told Mandisa that he was “humbled” and apologized to her immediately.” Cowell’s no moron.

Jeff: Oh, I can’t WAIT to hear her music.

Jason: Let’s do it!

Mandisa — Christmas Makes Me Cry (Feat. Matthew West) (download)

From It’s Christmas

Jeff: Wintry!

Jason: She looks like Jody Watley, kind of.

Jeff: She sounds like she can’t breathe.

Jason: So breathy. So, so breathy.

Jeff: Yeah, that’s what I meant. It sounds like ALL SHE CAN DO is breathe.

Jason: Her producer on the other side of the glass, going “Add an “h” before every vowel.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha!

Jason: They’re thinking of soldiers across the sea. Pander-y!

Jeff: Matthew West thinks of soldiers across the sea, when he isn’t accidentally attempting suicide. Hey, they sound nice together!

Jason: There’s peace on earth for every heart to find!

Jeff: Although I think this song should have been called “Bombast Makes Me Cry.”

Jason: And sometimes Christmas makes me break into my house through a window!

Jeff: Is it over yet? No? We needed another verse? Okay.

Jason: She’s thinking of family and home, and they’re thinking of letting the electric guitarist out of his cage.

Jeff: I think I just heard Dann Huff walk through the studio, play three notes, and collect $75,000.

This chorus is so very loud. I think they really want us to cry.

Jason: “Yeah, baby. I played the lead guitar solo on ‘Christmas Makes Me Cry,’ and…hey, where are you going?”


But wait! IT ISN’T. SO CLEVER.

Jason: Nope! It was like a Michael Kamen moment or something.

Jeff: Followed by Mandisa thinking about a virgin birth. Big crying!

Holy shit, man. I mean, really.

Jason: Weeping! Sobbing!

Jeff: I think even Jim Steinman would roll his eyes at this song.

Jason: I’m surprised we didn’t see these two covering this song at the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree or something. It seems like one of “those” songs.

Jeff: I think they were covering it at the lighting of the Exxon down the street. Ugh. I say UGH, sir.

Jason: “In 2007, Matthew West collaborated on a song that threatened his musical career.”

Jeff: Mandisa also has a song called “Broken Hallelujah,” which is what you call it when you give someone a “Dove award.”

Jason: “In 2011, Jeff and Jason listened to a song that threatened the bounds of good taste, as well as their sanity.”

Jeff: I have to hand it to these two — that was one very, very Mellowmas song. That’s what I was expecting when we listened to Air Supply a few years ago.

Jason: YES.

Jeff: Imagine Air Supply covering this? places hand over heart

Jason: The only thing it was missing was a firework display at the end.

Jeff: cackles Like the end of Meet Joe Black!

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About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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