Yesterday, we had metal in our ears. Today, we want to stick metal in our ears. It’s time for us to explore the younger side of Christmas, where adorable starlets are shoved into the studio in an effort to cash in on the holiday season so their parents can buy a new yacht. It’s Mellowmas — tween style! And it’s only just beginning. Hooray!
Hilary Duff — Santa Claus Lane (download)
Jeff: So bouncy!
Jason: It wants to be a Cars song.
Jeff: Oh, Hilary. You’re so adorable. You can’t sing worth a goddamn.
Jason: Oh wait, no it doesn’t.
Jeff: Multitracking for Christmas!
Jason: This song makes me sad.
Jeff: Mistletoe! Engineers who are good at keeping a straight face!
Jason: It should have made the news.
Jeff: Elves were standing in the street, Jason.
Jason: “Girl forced into the studio to record lame, pandering Christmas song, film at eleven.”
Jeff: Santa told her “have no fear. You’re not lost, you’re here.”
Jason: This song is either really existential, or written by monkeys.
Jeff: I feel like Mike Love must have been involved in this somehow.
Jason: I don’t think Mike Love is allowed near teenagers.
Jeff: Ha ha ha!
Hey, they made her reach for a few notes! No fair!
Jason: I wonder if kids were singing this song when it came out.
Jeff: Doesn’t this sound like it should have been a Smash Mouth song instead?
Jason: Sort of. Actually, it sounds like it belongs on that Archies album, doesn’t it?
Jeff: Maybe, although the Archies at least hire cute girls who can sing.
Jason: Hilary Duff isn’t cute? I can barely remember.
Jeff: She used to be. But she could never sing.
Jason: My gym used to play a song of hers all the time, but I don’t want to think any more about it because it might go back into my head. Those were some awful months.
Jeff: I think multi-tracking Hilary’s vocals probably took longer than writing the song. There’s never fewer than two of her.
Jason: I don’t know who wrote this, but clearly they knocked out, like, 25 Christmas songs that day. Poor Hilary Duff and her contractual obligations.
Jeff: Yeah, I feel bad for her when I listen to this. I mean, her music is horrible, and her movies are horrible. But she was just a kid when she did this. A kid! Disney should be ashamed of itself!
Jason: Oh, wait a second. This collection is NEW?!
Jeff: The collection is, but the song is old. I want to say it came out before any of her crappy records.
Jason: Oh, I see. It was on the Santa Clause 2 soundtrack.
Jeff: It was? That explains everything! Tim Allen ruins everything he touches!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh god, there’s a song by Simple Plan on this compilation.
Jeff: Who’s worse, Hilary Duff or Simple Plan? I can’t decide.
Jason: Simple Plan. Simple Plan, Simple Plan, Simple Plan.
Jeff: Wow, you chose fast. Gym trauma?
Jason: …How did you know?
Jeff: Where else can you hear Simple Plan? Only the gym.
Jason: They used to play their song “Crazy” all the time. And I used to get violently angry. Which was good for my workouts, I guess.
Jeff: I’ve never heard it.
Jason: Don’t listen. Trust me. It will make you want to punch children.
Jeff: The gym I went to right after 9/11 used to play this shitty Linkin Park song with 9/11 audio mixed in all the time.
Jason: I think that actually does make the terrorists win.
Jeff: I came very close to starting a fight with the person behind the desk many times.
Jason: You know what I fear? I fear that kids are going to hear this compilation, and then, when they’re our age, they’re going to remember songs like THIS ONE as Christmas classics.
Jeff: That’s a really dark thought.
Jason: And that makes me wonder if, back in the ’70s, kids were listening to the John Denver & the Muppets Christmas album and adults were thinking that it was sacrilege, like we’re thinking now.
Jeff: But I feel like Hilary Duff has to be empirically worse than John Denver and the Muppets.
Jason: I agree. But I’m scared that it’s generational.
Jeff: Like, there can’t be a reality-based argument against that. I think even Hilary Duff would agree.
Jason: I think Hilary Duff agrees with anything anyone older than her says. She’d have to, to record this stuff.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! So clean-cut. So agreeable. So perky. She’s like the anti-Lindsay Lohan.
Jason: This kind of music is the worst.
Jeff: Hey, speaking of Lohans.
Jason: Uh oh.
Jeff: And the worst music.
Jason: Oh no. Please, Jeff, no.
Jeff: Did you know Lindsay’s little sister Ali cut a Christmas album? It’s true.
Jeff: She did! It’s called Lohan Holiday.
Jason: !!!!! I…I don’t know what to think anymore.
Jeff: Now, if you ask me, a “Lohan Holiday” probably usually consists of robbing a 7-Eleven and getting high on oxycontin.
Jason: Yes! Of course! What else could a Lohan holiday entail?
Jeff: I somehow doubt Ali has the…gravitas…to pull off a song about that. But I’m hoping she does.
Jason: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO ALI LOHAN IS
I GAVE UP TMZ TWO YEARS AGO
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: IT WAS A NEW YEARS’ RESOLUTION
Jeff: I think she had a reality series, didn’t she?
Jason: I DON’T KNOW
I DON’T WANT TO KNOW
Jeff: Yes you do, motherfucker.
Jason: No, no, no, I don’t.
Jeff: I want to say it was called Growing Up Lohan.
Jason: Hang on, I’m looking for an oven to stick my head into.
Jeff: Too late! Judy Collins is already using yours!
Jason: Oh god. I’m sick. I feel like I just ate too much fruitcake.
Jeff: That’s perfect. I think that’s exactly how you’re supposed to feel during a Lohan Holiday.
Jason: Do we have to listen? And did you really give money to a Lohan?
Jeff: I suppose we do. And I suppose I did.
Jason: Ugh. Quick, let’s get it over with.
Jeff: Look at it like this: we might have prevented a 7-Eleven from being robbed.
Jason: I want to forget it already.
Ali Lohan — Lohan Holiday (download)
Jeff: Look at that cover art!
Jeff: Hear how low her vocals are in the mix!
Jason: And did you hear that piano note that sounded bad? That was her dad.
Jeff: Ha! He passed out on his way out of the studio!
Jason: Wait, is she trying to get me to go with her on “a Lohan holiday”?
Jeff: Oh WOW can Ali Lohan cannot sing.
Jason: Why would I want to go on a fucking Lohan holiday? She’ll take me someplace so, so far away? Where? The dumpster?
Jeff: I’m getting motion sickness listening to her vocals. They’re fucking transfixing. It’s like the poor bastard who had to carve them into some semblance of a melody couldn’t catch up.
Jason: Wait a minute. Lindsay is supposedly on this somewhere.
Jeff: I think they used her unconscious body as a keyboard stand.
“Where everything you’d ever want is for free!”
Jason: Uh oh, I KNEW a fucking key change was coming.
Jeff: Woof! Arooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Jason: I’d love to see the credits and see how many of these musicians killed themselves after recording this. Actually, there aren’t any real musicians on here. One guy with a keyboard.
Jeff: I’m being totally serious when I say it sounds warped. I feel like running to the turntable and checking the disc.
Jason: Except Ali Lohan has never heard of a “turntable.”
Jeff: Only I can’t, because it isn’t warped. That’s just how bad she is.
Jason: When was this recorded?
Jason: Was that before or after the Lohans became a trainwreck?
Jeff: Wait, no. 2006. And apparently Amy Grant is on this album. Which makes Amy Grant an accessory to child abuse. How soon can we file charges? Is Ali Lohan still a minor? I’m guessing we have to do it before she turns 18.
Jason: Amy Grant did this? Knowing full well it could send her straight to hell?
Jeff: Amy Grant appeared on a song titled “Santa’s Reindeer Ride.”
Jason: Someone has some dirt on Amy Grant, clearly.
Jeff: Mrs. Lohan even showed up on a song! Oh my God!
Jason: I saw that! She reads “Silent Night.” And I read “Jason Hare’s Suicide Note.”
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! AND they had Ali cover “My Grown-Up Christmas List”!
THAT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL
You stupid, stupid Lohans.
I love that the second song is called “I Like Christmas.”
Jason: I saw that. Great fucking title.
Jeff: I wish the third one was called “I’m Singing a Christmas Song.”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Jeff: And then the fourth was “I Wish I Was an Emancipated Minor.”
Jason: !!!! I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY THE EXACT SAME THING! “Please Adopt Me For Christmas”
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: I’m glad I didn’t play this track in my car, because I’d pull into the first garage I could find and leave the engine running.
Jeff: I’m reading a review of this album that says “Lohan Holiday is “BY FAR the best original song on the album so far.” “This is the first song yet that I might actually listen to after this is over.”
Jason: Is it written by Ali Lohan?
Jeff: God, no. It wasn’t even written by a Lohan.
Jason: Of course not.
Jeff: Lohans can’t read!
Jason: Ha ha ha ha! It took three people to write it. THREE PEOPLE.
Jeff: They kept killing themselves.
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! You know how many people wrote “White Christmas”? ONE.
Jeff: YES. Excellent point. Jesus, Ali Lohan is only 15 now.
Jason: No. That’s not true.
Jason: I have no idea. I’m asking you to tell me it’s not true.
Jeff: This says she was born 12/22/93. It also says she can play guitar and piano. And that she sings. You’re right, this is all bullshit.
How can you believe in anything anymore? If there’s a world where “A Lohan Holiday” can be written, let alone written, “sung” and released on a FULL ALBUM BY A THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD WE DON’T CARE ABOUT, then I’m not sure I want to live. This is the closest to seppuku I’ve gotten during Mellowmas.
Jeff: I only wish she had covered “The Chanukah Song.”
Jason: Why, so she could pronounce it incorrectly? “What’s a Chah-nuck-ah?”
Jeff: Ha ha ha! Yes! “What’s a Jew?”
Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! So this was recorded in 2006, which means she had no idea that “A Lohan Holiday” would shortly be a punchline. I’m calling on our readers to re-write this song for 2009.
Jeff: Oooh, GREAT idea.
Jason: Include topical references to whatever shit Lindsay Lohan is doing right now. I know she was dating a girl. That’s all I know. And I’m so happy that’s all I know.
Jeff: What does the winner get? A real-life Lohan holiday?
Jason: What incentive is THAT?
Jeff: We’ll mail them a case of Robitussin, a case of Doritos, and let them go crazy.
Jason: The winner gets something warm for Christmas.
Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!
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And for the ultimate in Mellowmas joy/sadness…
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