The Sixth Day of Mellowmas: Up on the Roofietop

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2014, Music

In which we marvel at what still passes for “cute” during the holidays

Jason: Well, Jeff. Here we are again. Another year, another opportunity to hear Michael Buble just pissing all over the holiday.

Jeff: Ah, the velvety croon of Michael Buble’s bladder.

Jason: I am trying to remember how many times he’s released/re-released his Christmas album.

Jeff: He only has one? I thought he’d released at least three.

Jason: It was originally released in 2011. There was a Special Edition in 2012.

Jeff: There you go using the singular again. Isn’t he like a modern Andy Williams now — a thing that exists mainly at Christmas?

Well, Christmas and random sitcom cameos, I guess. Or is that Groban? I can never tell them apart.

Jason: I guess that was it for the releases. But it seems like he’s on TV every year, singing Christmas songs and looking generally a little confused.

Jeff: I say good for him. It takes courage to go after those mother-in-law dollars so sincerely.

Jason: And sure enough, NBC will be broadcasting “Michael Bublé’s Christmas” this season.

Jeff: …The same one as before?

Jason: Sorry, I got the title wrong. “Michael Bublé’s Christmas in New York.”

Jeff: Hey, you can take your daughter!

Jason: I’m not taking her to the city to see a Canadian!

Jeff: I am now counting down the days until it makes sense to quote you on that.

Jason: Anyway, though he doesn’t have his own album out this year, he’s guesting on Idina Menzel’s Christmas album.

Jeff: She’s got a voice! One I never needed to hear tackling Christmas songs.

Jason: Yes, I know. I hear it at least once a day.

Jeff: You work at Starbucks?

Jason: No, I have a daughter. And a wife. Both who love singing “Let It Go.”

Repeatedly.

Jeff: You need a bigger house.

Jason: Every day, my daughter would ask me to put on “Here Comes the Sun.” And it’s now pretty much been replaced by “Let It Go.” I am very angry with Idina Menzel.

Jeff: The perfect frame of mind to listen to her duet with Buble!

Jason: Fine, but let’s please play it softly. Because if my daughter hears Elsa singing with this guy, she’s never going to let me turn it off.

Jeff: The one thing you can count on with these Broadway stars is production values.

Jason: Oh, they’re DEFINITELY in the same studio. I wonder if they’ve even met.

Jeff: I can’t complain about the singing, regardless of how many miles these files traveled. Oh, wait, except for that stupid fake laugh.

AND THE TALK-SINGING

STOP TALKING BOTH OF YOU STOP TALKING

Jason: Oh, it’s so charming how she laughs after she sings “Say, what’s in this drink?”

Jeff: Am I the only one waiting for Bill Cosby to walk in?

Jason: I was just about to go there. It’s 2014. Why are we still allowing this song to be covered?

Jeff: I’ve gotta go flarn
There’s bound to be flarn tomorrow
Baby it’s flarn outside

Jason: Ugh, the talking at the end.

Jeff: Gross, gross, gross.

Jason: IDINA. HE PUT A ROOFIE IN YOUR EGG NOG.

Jeff: I’m with you. How is this song cute?

Jason: Our pal J.A. Bartlett shared his feelings about this song a couple of years ago.

Jeff: J.A. speaks the truth. This could only be skeevier if Buble had been singing it with Miss Alexis Lee.

Jason: Oh crap! I remember her! Maybe we should just listen to Michael Bubble instead.

Jeff: I bet even Michael Bubble was disappointed when he heard this!

Jason: Unless Michael Buble slipped something into his drink first.

So. That was well-produced, nice instrumentation, vocals were inoffensive as long as you ignore the charming conversation, and yet I never need to hear it again.

Jeff: This was like three wig hairs removed from what it would have sounded like if Travolta and Olivia Newton-John had done it. Wait, did they record this? They totally did, didn’t they?

Jason: WE COVERED IT.

Jeff: They all bleed together, Jason. Hold me.

Jason: “Don’t go, John!” “Ugh! I’m stayin’!”

Jeff: I remembered their awful video, I just didn’t remember the song. Now I remember the song, which is remarkably similar to what we just heard.

Mellowmas is a sour brown circle.

Jason: Yup. I have yet to hear a truly bad version of this song. They’re all just bland. And this is not an invitation, readers.

Jeff: But if you find terrible versions of “Wonderful Christmastime,” please do send them along to Jeff Vrabel, Writer.

Jason: My daughter just came downstairs and asked to hear this song again.