Jason: Well, Jeff. Here we are again. Another year, another opportunity to hear Michael Buble just pissing all over the holiday.

Jeff: Ah, the velvety croon of Michael Buble’s bladder.

Jason: I am trying to remember how many times he’s released/re-released his Christmas album.

Jeff: He only has one? I thought he’d released at least three.

Jason: It was originally released in 2011. There was a Special Edition in 2012.

Jeff: There you go using the singular again. Isn’t he like a modern Andy Williams now — a thing that exists mainly at Christmas?

Well, Christmas and random sitcom cameos, I guess. Or is that Groban? I can never tell them apart.

Jason: I guess that was it for the releases. But it seems like he’s on TV every year, singing Christmas songs and looking generally a little confused.

Jeff: I say good for him. It takes courage to go after those mother-in-law dollars so sincerely.

Jason: And sure enough, NBC will be broadcasting “Michael Bublé’s Christmas” this season.

Jeff: …The same one as before?

Jason: Sorry, I got the title wrong. “Michael Bublé’s Christmas in New York.”

Jeff: Hey, you can take your daughter!

Jason: I’m not taking her to the city to see a Canadian!

Jeff: I am now counting down the days until it makes sense to quote you on that.

Jason: Anyway, though he doesn’t have his own album out this year, he’s guesting on Idina Menzel’s Christmas album.

Jeff: She’s got a voice! One I never needed to hear tackling Christmas songs.

Jason: Yes, I know. I hear it at least once a day.

Jeff: You work at Starbucks?

Jason: No, I have a daughter. And a wife. Both who love singing “Let It Go.”

Repeatedly.

Jeff: You need a bigger house.

Jason: Every day, my daughter would ask me to put on “Here Comes the Sun.” And it’s now pretty much been replaced by “Let It Go.” I am very angry with Idina Menzel.

Jeff: The perfect frame of mind to listen to her duet with Buble!

Jason: Fine, but let’s please play it softly. Because if my daughter hears Elsa singing with this guy, she’s never going to let me turn it off.

Jeff: The one thing you can count on with these Broadway stars is production values.

Jason: Oh, they’re DEFINITELY in the same studio. I wonder if they’ve even met.

Jeff: I can’t complain about the singing, regardless of how many miles these files traveled. Oh, wait, except for that stupid fake laugh.

AND THE TALK-SINGING

STOP TALKING BOTH OF YOU STOP TALKING

Jason: Oh, it’s so charming how she laughs after she sings “Say, what’s in this drink?”

Jeff: Am I the only one waiting for Bill Cosby to walk in?

Jason: I was just about to go there. It’s 2014. Why are we still allowing this song to be covered?

Jeff: I’ve gotta go flarn
There’s bound to be flarn tomorrow
Baby it’s flarn outside

Jason: Ugh, the talking at the end.

Jeff: Gross, gross, gross.

Jason: IDINA. HE PUT A ROOFIE IN YOUR EGG NOG.

Jeff: I’m with you. How is this song cute?

Jason: Our pal J.A. Bartlett shared his feelings about this song a couple of years ago.

Jeff: J.A. speaks the truth. This could only be skeevier if Buble had been singing it with Miss Alexis Lee.

Jason: Oh crap! I remember her! Maybe we should just listen to Michael Bubble instead.

Jeff: I bet even Michael Bubble was disappointed when he heard this!

Jason: Unless Michael Buble slipped something into his drink first.

So. That was well-produced, nice instrumentation, vocals were inoffensive as long as you ignore the charming conversation, and yet I never need to hear it again.

Jeff: This was like three wig hairs removed from what it would have sounded like if Travolta and Olivia Newton-John had done it. Wait, did they record this? They totally did, didn’t they?

Jason: WE COVERED IT.

Jeff: They all bleed together, Jason. Hold me.

Jason: “Don’t go, John!” “Ugh! I’m stayin’!”

Jeff: I remembered their awful video, I just didn’t remember the song. Now I remember the song, which is remarkably similar to what we just heard.

Mellowmas is a sour brown circle.

Jason: Yup. I have yet to hear a truly bad version of this song. They’re all just bland. And this is not an invitation, readers.

Jeff: But if you find terrible versions of “Wonderful Christmastime,” please do send them along to Jeff Vrabel, Writer.

Jason: My daughter just came downstairs and asked to hear this song again.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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