Homeless Christmas

The Third Day of Mellowmas: Homeless Mellowmas

Jason: Some people may not realize it, but finding Mellowmas music isn’t an easy thing to do.

Jeff: On the other hand, it isn’t nearly as hard as it should be.

Jason: And I do love it when people comment with “…where did you FIND this?”

Jeff: I’m always like, “I just searched for Christmas music. Seriously, you have no idea how scary it is out there.”

Jason: I don’t want to give away our trade secrets, but I will let readers in on one very, very lazy way I used earlier today: I went to Spotify and typed in “Bad” and “Christmas.”

Jeff: Whoa, that worked?

Jason: It did today! It was a Mellowmas miracle.

Jeff: That suggests a level of self-awareness that depresses me. “This Christmas song I recorded sure is awful. Might as well put it on Spotify.”

Jason: Well, Spotify picks up just about everything. I’m pretty sure half the artists on Spotify have no idea they’re on Spotify.

Jeff: I just felt a tingle of dread.

Jason: Anyway, this is how I found today’s track: “Homeless Christmas” by Bad Action.

Jeff: *shakes head* That isn’t real.

Nope, you made it up.

Jason: From a 30-track album called #Tag, which seems redundant. And stupid.

Jeff: Oh, so maybe this has no lyrics! Maybe it isn’t even a Christmas song.

Jason: There are some great song titles on #Tag, like “Just Another Assisted Suicide.”

Jeff: *frowns* I feel like we’re about to make a really big mistake here.

Jason: Fuck you. I say that every year, and you ignore me.

Jeff: It would be one thing if we were listening to something that was merely tasteless, like, “Well, the weather outside is frightful / Because I’m fucking homeless / But I have no place to go / While it snows and it snows and it snows.” But this seems dark. Judy Collins dark.

Jason: Jeff, if you don’t want to listen to “Homeless Christmas,” we can listen to other winners, like “The Horrors in My Head” and “Through the Ring of Uranus.”

Jeff: *frowns*

Jason: Okay, that last one was kind of funny.

Jeff: Hoping for German speed metal here.

Jason: I like this song called “You’re Just a Facebook Friend,” which doesn’t scream “Let’s try and be relevant!” at all.

Jeff: There’s no way this ends well, so I feel like we should just get it over with.

Bad Action – Homeless Christmas

Jeff: Homeless people can’t afford engineers!

Jason: Tell me, why am I lonely?

Jeff: This guy sounds like the lead singer in a bad Billy Squier cover band.

Jason: THIS IS AWESOME!

Jeff: Awesome IN WHAT WAY?

Jason: In the “I love that I’m making you listen to this” way.

Jeff: A drum machine, a homeless man, a shitty-sounding acoustic guitar. All we need is a singing saw, and I might as well be on the subway with you.

Jason: He’s telling a story!

Jeff: “Help me to get some pizza into my body”?

Jason: “I feel so cold”! Jeff, this song was MEANT for us. This is how we feel every year!

Jeff: …You’re right.

Did he just say “send me the chair”?

Jason: I don’t need sympathy! Let me be clear! I want a house. I want a kid. I wanna live.

Jeff: This is a really strange way of envisioning a homeless person’s thoughts during Christmas.

Jason: This song just won’t end!

Jeff: Yes, yes, at Christmastime. Shut up. God, there’s almost a minute left!

Jason: He wants to live! He don’t wanna die!

Jeff: He…wants to stay high?

Jason: I don’t even know what the hell is going on anymore.

Jeff: I am frowning so hard right now.

Ah, good. It ended on a long, piercing note of feedback. As it should have.

Jason: That was hysterical.

Jeff: Not for the poor homeless man who wanted pizza and to stay high!

Jason: Have you seen their Reverbnation page?

Jeff: I don’t want to look at that.

Jason: Hope you like clowns!

Jeff: Oh God!

Jason: “Sounds Like: Pink Floyd, Rammstein, RUSH, Nine Inch Nails, Coldplay”

…Coldplay?

Jeff: They use the same chords, I guess?

Jason: That song used chords?

Jeff: The chords were homeless.

Jason: Well, this is good. I feel like I really stuck it to you. You had this coming.

Jeff: I feel like I want pizza, and to get high.

Jason: Yes. Yessssss. And then you want to get into clown makeup and write a song about Snapchat.

Jeff: That reminds me of the time I ordered pizza at your apartment at like two in the morning. I should come over right now.

Jason: If you’re not wearing the makeup, I’m not letting you in.

Jeff: We can wear it together! And write a song about Vine. “Instagram Suite in Hashtag Minor.”




  • mlk

    You normally have fun-bad songs. The songs are bad, but you can envision the makers with good intent. This fell into the sad-bad category. Melancholy holiday songs are tougher to pull off, but this is so dark. You upped your game, I guess. #cringe.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    If you’re apologizing on behalf of everyone who complained about Wintley Phipps yesterday, I accept.

  • Speedy Pepper

    Is English the singer’s first language? I’m not sure it is. Also, did I just use the word “singer” wrong?

    At 1:45 it really sounds like he’s saying, “Help me to RAYYYYRRRRR.” In which case, well, I hear ya, man. Who doesn’t need help RAYYYRRRing? Especially at Christmas.

  • http://sportsmyriad.com Beau

    I have this awful feeling that this guy probably beat up the people who recorded “Christmas Shoes.”

  • http://www.popdose.com/ Ted

    “If you have thoughts of suicide…bleeding gums…explosive diarrhea…stop taking Mellowmas right away and contact your doctor.”

  • Jay Nagy

    Does he want a ticket to that sold out Train show?

  • cjmonta

    It literally sounded like it was written by a homeless person add-libbing the song whilst pan-handling! Still don’t know how they got the production quality living on the streets though……

  • Jay Nagy

    Still, Old Skull did it better first.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=679113018 MichaelWSP

    I guarantee you this person’s favorite album ever is “The Bends.”

  • Jay Nagy

    Harsh.

  • Jay Nagy

    But that album made Coldplay too. Oh, Bends, you poor bastard.

  • rockymtranger

    I feel like I need a hug right now. And a pizza.

  • http://www.popdose.com/ DwDunphy

    This is the “Scared Straight” of Christmas music.

  • Jay Nagy

    The After School Special.

  • Old_Davy

    “I want to liiiiiiiivvvee, I don’t want to diiiiiiiiiieeee”. That makes ONE of us. Seriously, I’m about ready to smash a glass ornament and slit my wrists.

  • http://www.popdose.com jefito

    Hang in there, Davy! We have weeks and weeks of Mellowmas still ahead of us.

  • mattsledge

    My ears are planning a revolution after listening to this. Yow.

  • Brett Alan

    I thought his favorite album was So, but maybe I’m just old. B^)

  • Rob Ross

    Again, Germans. Referencing German speed metal. Everywhere I go, it’s ho-ho-ho with the Gestapo. Fuck.