Jeff: On the other hand, it isn’t nearly as hard as it should be.
Jason: And I do love it when people comment with “…where did you FIND this?”
Jeff: I’m always like, “I just searched for Christmas music. Seriously, you have no idea how scary it is out there.”
Jason: I don’t want to give away our trade secrets, but I will let readers in on one very, very lazy way I used earlier today: I went to Spotify and typed in “Bad” and “Christmas.”
Jeff: Whoa, that worked?
Jason: It did today! It was a Mellowmas miracle.
Jeff: That suggests a level of self-awareness that depresses me. “This Christmas song I recorded sure is awful. Might as well put it on Spotify.”
Jason: Well, Spotify picks up just about everything. I’m pretty sure half the artists on Spotify have no idea they’re on Spotify.
Jeff: I just felt a tingle of dread.
Jason: Anyway, this is how I found today’s track: “Homeless Christmas” by Bad Action.
Jeff: *shakes head* That isn’t real.
Nope, you made it up.
Jason: From a 30-track album called #Tag, which seems redundant. And stupid.
Jeff: Oh, so maybe this has no lyrics! Maybe it isn’t even a Christmas song.
Jason: There are some great song titles on #Tag, like “Just Another Assisted Suicide.”
Jeff: *frowns* I feel like we’re about to make a really big mistake here.
Jason: Fuck you. I say that every year, and you ignore me.
Jeff: It would be one thing if we were listening to something that was merely tasteless, like, “Well, the weather outside is frightful / Because I’m fucking homeless / But I have no place to go / While it snows and it snows and it snows.” But this seems dark. Judy Collins dark.
Jason: Jeff, if you don’t want to listen to “Homeless Christmas,” we can listen to other winners, like “The Horrors in My Head” and “Through the Ring of Uranus.”
Jason: Okay, that last one was kind of funny.
Jeff: Hoping for German speed metal here.
Jason: I like this song called “You’re Just a Facebook Friend,” which doesn’t scream “Let’s try and be relevant!” at all.
Jeff: There’s no way this ends well, so I feel like we should just get it over with.
Jeff: Homeless people can’t afford engineers!
Jason: Tell me, why am I lonely?
Jeff: This guy sounds like the lead singer in a bad Billy Squier cover band.
Jason: THIS IS AWESOME!
Jeff: Awesome IN WHAT WAY?
Jason: In the “I love that I’m making you listen to this” way.
Jeff: A drum machine, a homeless man, a shitty-sounding acoustic guitar. All we need is a singing saw, and I might as well be on the subway with you.
Jason: He’s telling a story!
Jeff: “Help me to get some pizza into my body”?
Jason: “I feel so cold”! Jeff, this song was MEANT for us. This is how we feel every year!
Jeff: …You’re right.
Did he just say “send me the chair”?
Jason: I don’t need sympathy! Let me be clear! I want a house. I want a kid. I wanna live.
Jeff: This is a really strange way of envisioning a homeless person’s thoughts during Christmas.
Jason: This song just won’t end!
Jeff: Yes, yes, at Christmastime. Shut up. God, there’s almost a minute left!
Jason: He wants to live! He don’t wanna die!
Jeff: He…wants to stay high?
Jason: I don’t even know what the hell is going on anymore.
Jeff: I am frowning so hard right now.
Ah, good. It ended on a long, piercing note of feedback. As it should have.
Jason: That was hysterical.
Jeff: Not for the poor homeless man who wanted pizza and to stay high!
Jason: Have you seen their Reverbnation page?
Jeff: I don’t want to look at that.
Jason: Hope you like clowns!
Jeff: Oh God!
Jason: “Sounds Like: Pink Floyd, Rammstein, RUSH, Nine Inch Nails, Coldplay”
Jeff: They use the same chords, I guess?
Jason: That song used chords?
Jeff: The chords were homeless.
Jason: Well, this is good. I feel like I really stuck it to you. You had this coming.
Jeff: I feel like I want pizza, and to get high.
Jason: Yes. Yessssss. And then you want to get into clown makeup and write a song about Snapchat.
Jeff: That reminds me of the time I ordered pizza at your apartment at like two in the morning. I should come over right now.
Jason: If you’re not wearing the makeup, I’m not letting you in.
Jeff: We can wear it together! And write a song about Vine. “Instagram Suite in Hashtag Minor.”