The Twelfth Day of Mellowmas: Shopping for Jason’s Wife, Part One

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2014, Music

The search for a Christmas gift for Jason’s wife produces a foul hurricane of Mellowmas misery

Jeff: Jason!

Jason: Jefito!

Jeff: EXCITING NEWS, JASON.

Jason: IT’S DECEMBER 26TH?

Jeff: Nope! Not that exciting. But remember how you were telling me you don’t know what to give your wife for Christmas this year?

Jason: Yes! I still don’t! Do you have any ideas?

Jeff: I don’t. But Robin and the Giant do!

Jason: Who and the Who?

Jeff: I don’t know, honestly. But I do know that they recorded a song called “Sexy Christmas List,” which seems perfect. Your shopping problems are solved, most likely.

Jason: I have a bad feeling about this.

Jeff: Me too. Mellowmas!

Jason: Why do I have a feeling that neither Robin nor the Giant are actually sexy?

Jeff: I mean…this song probably has, what, three verses? Seems like you should be able to take at least one good idea away from all those words.

Jason: Well, I’ll never know if we just sit here dreading what’s to come. Let’s just get this over with.

Jeff: That’s the spirit!

Robin and the Giant, “Sexy Christmas List”

Jason: What is going on right now?

Jeff: Are these people drivetime DJs?

Hey, he’s hitting the mall. Buying gifts has always been hard for him. Like you!

Jason: I get that it’s maybe supposed to be joke-y, but is it supposed to be slightly behind the beat?

Jeff: You’re very kind to say “slightly.” I feel like the beat is just about irrelevant to what’s happening here.

He don’t have no sleigh.

Jason: Ooh la la, ooh la lady? He didn’t just say “Mrs. Sexytoe,” did he? I’m sure I missed that.

Jeff: “Sexy mistletoe” was uttered for sure.

Jason: Yeah, I heard that part.

Jeff: At the beginning of this song, he said “they” asked Robin and the Giant to record a Christmas song.

“They.”

Jason: The voices in his head?

Jeff: That seems like a pretty safe bet, yeah.

Jason: This is total Morning Zoo.

Jeff: Has he named a single sexy gift yet?

P.S. That woman is the worst.

Jason: I’m just waiting for the sound of a toilet flushing, and an arOOOGA-arOOOGA.

Jeff: Waaaaaaaaaaait a minute, Jason. I just visited their website.

Jason: I bet you just found what I found: “Robin And The Giant have been writing and producing music for children since 1987.”

Jeff: MY EYES JUST FELL OUT OF MY HEAD.

Jason: “In 2010 Whitler and MacBlane created the video feature “Notables: The Well Sung Heroes Of Songwriting” to elevate awareness of the men and women throughout history that have been responsible for writing the music that has become part of the fabric of contemporary life.”

“And then they found crystal meth.”

Jeff: I think these people are in Florida, so “crystal meth” should be “bath salts.” But otherwise yes, totally.

Every so often during the course of Mellowmas, I feel like we’ve discovered some far-off musical planet. This is one of those times.

Jason: I have bad news for you. I found at least 17 other Christmas “songs” on their website.

Jeff: That is neither good nor bad news for me, because I am not listening to a single one of those “songs.” Robin and the Giant are dead to me.

Jason: They have one called “Stocking Nuts.” By the way, say hi to your mother for me.

Jeff: She’s out with the Northern Light Orchestra.

Jason: Also speaking of your mother, they have a song called “We’ve Got Balls.”

Jeff: Well, I guess this didn’t help your wife gift problem. Sorry about that.

Jason: Yeah, not cool, Jeff.

Jeff: On the plus side, at least neither of us will ever have this song stuck in our heads.

Jason: Honestly, it’s okay. I had a feeling you were leading me nowhere but towards a path of misery. Why should this day be any different from any others?

Jeff: I thought it would at least be sexier!

Jason: It definitely was not that. Ugh, they have a song called “One Eyed Deer.”

Jeff: I don’t know what you’re looking for in there, but I don’t think you’re going to find it.

Jason: This is definitely a “back away slowly” Mellowmas moment.

Jeff: Yes, but before we go, we should probably share the video for Robin and the Giant’s song “Hair Is Important to a Girl.”

Jason: “The photos were downloaded from various websites on the internet with thanks to the photographers and the models.”

Jeff: This song, dear readers, is supposed to be a tribute to the Locks of Love program. Emphasis on “supposed to be.”

Jason: I can’t bear to watch it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to figure out what to actually get my wife.

Jeff: Perhaps you can get an idea from Robin and the Giant’s song “Aim High Sweetie Pie,” an anthem of encouragement for Sarah Palin?

Jason: I guess I could get her “Live to Sniff,” an illustrated children’s book they wrote.

Jeff: Maybe she can read it while listening to Robin and the Giant’s “I Stand for America.”

Jason: Jeff, I need you to stop.

Jeff: Totally okay with stopping, pal. I think I’ve seen more than enough. You go shop, and I’ll…I’ll empty my liquor cabinet.