On April 23 Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed into law the state’s controversial immigration bill, which aims “to identify, prosecute and deport illegal immigrants,” according to the New York Times, and gives police the right to question anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. It’s safe to assume that Brewer, in spite of her surname, isn’t a fan of Mexican beer.
Well, guess what? I’m not a fan of Arizona! That’s why I’m taking the lead of other municipal leaders across this great nation and issuing a Bootleg City boycott against all things Arizona. Here’s a partial list of what’s being banned:
• Arizona Iced Tea;
• Arizona Cardinals football jerseys;
• Arizona Diamondbacks baseball caps;
• actual cardinals and diamondbacks that look or sound suspiciously like Arizona natives (don’t be afraid to ask for identification);
• Arizona-transplanted Native Americans who leave a trail of tears wherever they go — I REFUSE TO CLEAN UP YOUR SOGGY MESS!
• boring stories about how you visited the Grand Canyon and it was the most amazing thing you ever blah blah blah;
• the ghost of Arizona senator John McCain (actually, the ghost of the guy who ran for president in 2000 isn’t so bad, but the guy who ran in ’08 — oh, brother …);
• senior citizens, unless they’ve got candy and pharmaceuticals they’re willing to share;
• former Arizona governor and current Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano;
• Concrete Blonde frontwoman Johnette Napolitano, because you can never be too vigilant when it comes to Napolitanos;
• the song “By the Time I Get to Phoenix,” which might as well contain the subtitle “It’ll Be Blindingly White”;
• the band Phoenix — they’re French, not Mexican, but if you miss the days of “freedom fries,” you’ll appreciate this throwback gesture;
• sand (it really does get everywhere);
I will accept a warm front of dry heat from the Copper State, but only if it’s better than this humid weather we’ve been having lately. I know I’ve said before in emotional TV interviews that I wasn’t crying, it’s that my eyeballs were sweating, but yesterday morning the lie became the truth.
This week’s bootleg comes to us from musician David Ragland, who hails from— Tucson, Arizona?! My God, these Arizonians have already crossed the border into our fair city! Soon they’ll be taking the low-paying jobs we don’t want and quietly going about their business right under our noses! Dear God, what if we end up learning some words and phrases from these Arizonians’ “language” without even trying!
Fine, I’ll make one exception this week, but that’s it. The bootleg is a recording of Patty Griffin performing on April 13 of this year at the Rialto Theatre in— Tucson?!
Close the border! Close it!
If I Had My Way
Wade in the Water
[interlude: Scott and Buddy]
Death’s Got a Warrant
[intro to “Heavenly Day”]
Coming Home to Me
I Do Believe
[intro to “Get Ready Marie”]
Get Ready Marie
[intro to “Never Grow Old”]
Never Grow Old
Love Throw a Line
Waiting for My Child
I Smell a Rat
House of Gold
[interlude: World Vision plug]
We Shall All Be Reunited
No Bad News
Up to the Mountain
Why Get Up