If youâ€™re holding your breath for the day MTV starts playing music videos again, let it go. Itâ€™s never going to happen, not while there’s a solitary teen mom left in America to exploit (and really, it’s 2010. Is there any other kind of mom anymore?)
But who needs MTV in the digital age? Weâ€™re here, the timeâ€™s right, and the videos are waiting for us. So set the way-way-back machine for 1986, strap on your shoulder pads, poof up that hair and layer those jackets. Itâ€™s time to rock.
Daryl Hall – Dreamtime: ’86 is when the overall testosterone level of the nation began to plummet. How could I make that assumption? Daryl Hall provides one of the very few rockin’ moments this evening. Epic Win.
The Dream Academy – Life In A Northern Town: A heyo, nah, nah, nah, a nino nayah, potato, nah, nah, nah, a no papaya…
Van Halen – Why Can’t This Be Love: Here’s a short list of why – syphilis. That is all.
Jermaine Stewart – We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off: Because I have an awesome dry cleaner that’ll get out those stains faster than you can say, “Oops, I’m done.”
Janet Jackson – Nasty: This was part four in a series of seven, starting with “Hasty,” “Pasty,” “Zesty,” “Musty,” “Zeppo” and “Bashful.”
Miami Sound Machine – Conga: Jeez, that lead singer in Miami Sound Machine is a dead ringer for Gloria Estefan. Do they know that Gloria Estefan totally stole this chick’s act? I’d sue, I tells ya.
Peter Cetera – Glory Of Love: He’ll take you to his castle far away – a castle made of cheese. It’s really high-end cheese, but even so.
Robert Palmer – Addicted To Love: I don’t think it was “love” that gave those models that dead, robotic look, do you?
Mr. Mister – Broken Wings: How much must it suck to be Mr. Mister? Bands are getting debated about for contention for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Mr. Mister gets name-dropped in a Train song. All that remains is to be pelted to death with dirty diapers.
Klymaxx – I Miss You: So smooth, you’d hydroplane straight to MOR hell and never realize it until you had a pitchfork up your bum.
And your Number One song for the year is…
Dionne Warwick with Gladys Knight, Elton John and Stevie Wonder – That’s What Friends Are For: If you combined this with “Wind Beneath My Wings,” “Celebration,” and “The Chicken Dance,” you’d have every New Jersey wedding since 1986. I mean that most sincerely; it’s like a freaking law somewhere around here.