THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
**EMBARGOED UNTIL 5:00 A.M. EDT, SATURDAY, JANUARY 21, 2017**
President Declares War on Bedbugs, America’s Hugest Tiny Threat
Infestations of bedbugs, which are commonly found on mattresses, couches, and other surfaces where people sleep, have been reported in all 50 states. In the interest of public health, President Trump and The Trump Administration®, a new division of The Trump Organization®, would like to inform all Americans of their rights and responsibilities in preventing further infestations.
What are bedbugs?
Bedbugs are small, wingless insects that sneak into Americans’ homes in the dead of night, completely ignoring all boundaries and borders. They then proceed to invade our personal space and reproduce right under our noses before revealing their true agenda: to feed on our blood while we sleep. Not that color is what’s important here, so don’t go crying to the ACLU about it, but adult bedbugs are reddish-brown in color, while innocent, blameless baby bedbugs are white. Hey, facts are facts — except when they’re lies about President Trump, of course.
Where do bedbugs live?
The real question is: where don’t they live?
Okay, where don’t they live?
Nowhere. That’s because they’re everywhere — not only in houses, apartments, and hotel rooms neither owned nor operated by The Trump Organization®, but also in schools and offices and on public transportation. They start out on your mattress and inside your bed’s box spring, but once those places become overcrowded — much like American prisons filled with Mexican criminals who entered our country illegally, just to throw out one example that, naturally, the mainstream media will read too much into, but they’ve bullied President Trump from day one, so there you go — they crawl into your couches, chairs, clothes, curtains, picture frames, and electrical outlets. Basically, anywhere that’s warm and keeps them out of sight until you’re asleep, they’ll go there.
Bedbugs can also hide in your books, so The Trump Administration® strongly advises that you burn the ones in your possession and start reading the internet, which can be inflammatory — don’t get President Trump started on the website of that dishonest, disgusting, pig-faced tabloid The New York Times — but rarely inflammable. They can even crawl into your cell phone, which is why the Samsung Galaxy Note 7’s ability to self-destruct was, in hindsight, vastly underrated.
How fast can an infestation spread?
Bedbugs can multiply quickly — again, much like illegal immigrants with criminal records who have poured into our country, unchecked, for decades. You can go from something like 176,000 to 2,000,000 in the blink of an eye or the roar of a campaign-rally crowd that really hates immigrants. Wait, did someone say five million? That’s insane!
Bedbugs reproduce by means of traumatic insemination: the male stabs the female in her abdomen with his daggerlike penis (to give you a sense of scale, a typical bedbug’s penis is slightly larger than failed Republican presidential hopeful Marco Rubio’s), allowing him to inject sperm into her abdominal cavity. But you know what’s even more traumatic? The sex is never consensual. You heard The Trump Administration® — bedbugs are rapists, and 16 million of them are being born in our country every day.
What can I do to prevent an infestation?
Bedbugs can be found almost anywhere, so you should always be aware of your surroundings. Remember, if you see something, say something. Don’t be one of those ultraliberal, middle-class, everyone-deserves-the-benefit-of-the-doubt NPR listeners, who are the real bloodsucking vampires in this country, if you ask The Trump Administration®. But bedbugs really suck real blood, so, first things first.
A lot of people forget that bedbugs were pretty much an endangered species in America by the 1950s. (Thank you, President Eisenhower.) But then air travel became less expensive, and suddenly la-di-da Democrats were bringing bedbugs home in their luggage from trendy foreign vacation spots like CancÁºn, the south of France, and Aleppo. Now they’re everywhere again.
Are there any health concerns related to bedbugs?
Their bites may cause red, itchy bumps to appear on your skin, but 70 percent of people who are bitten show no physical reaction to the bites, causing them to think that everything is just fine and dandy in their little world when in fact they’re dealing with a newly activated sleeper cell of ISOIS, or Insects Siphoning Our Internal Syrup.
Bedbugs may also cause you to grow anxious and lose sleep as you ask yourself, “What’s next? Are these bugs going to take my job the same way they’ve taken thousands of mosquitoes’ jobs? Are they going to buy the house next door? Or ask out my daughter, then convert her to Catholicism or a similarly extremist faith?” The answer to all of those questions is no — but for how long?
Is there anything I can do to stop the spread of bedbugs already in my country and home?
Yes. You can buy zippered covers, also known as encasements, which slowly starve the bedbugs on your mattress and/or box spring while preventing new ones from getting inside and reproducing. Think of an encasement as a “wall” that closes the open borders of your bed.
How much does one of these encasements cost?
About $30 or $40 at Target, but don’t worry about it — the bedbugs will pay for it.
We said don’t worry about it. Believe us, they’ll pay for it.
Aren’t bedbugs sometimes confused with carpet beetles because people panic and just start assigning blame to bugs they’ve long been told are “bad”?
Yes, and that is why The Trump Administration® has devised a five-part questionnaire that should be administered to all bugs entering your home:
1. Are you a bedbug?
2. If your answer was “no,” are you lying?
3. If your answer is still no, why are you lying?
4. Anyone can see you’re not a carpet beetle, which is a different color.
5. Again, not that color matters, but you get what we’re saying, right?
We will also be engaging in extreme vetting to ensure that any bedbug entering the United States shares our united values. For example, bedbugs are known to defecate on bedsheets and pillowcases after feasting on human blood, whereas we the people have a saying: “Don’t shit where you eat.” It traditionally means “Don’t get romantically involved with a coworker,” which has never been a problem for President Trump since he’s always been the boss and therefore can do whatever he wants, but it also means “Literally, stop shitting five inches away from where you just ate. THE HELL’S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!”
Got it, bedbugs? Because if you don’t got it, you’ve got to go.
What about a “catch and release” program? There must be a more humane way to deal with them than simply exterminating every bedbug in sight.
Look, no one’s saying your bleeding heart can’t keep bleeding for years to come, but most Americans don’t like waking up with blood on their sheets. Do you want their blood on your hands? Then you should help President Trump grab the problem of radical insect terrorism by the pussy before it’s too late.
Never forget — bedbugs are bad bugs that take advantage of our precious resources. If you want to get technical about it, our blood is the only resource they actually care about, but bedbug stress will make you sweat and it’ll make you cry, so if you look at it that way, they’re draining us of our blood, sweat, and tears.
On a related note, President Trump humbly acknowledges how stressful the 2016 election was for every American. But just as our patriotic friends at CCCP Software & Services valiantly eliminated all the bugs in the Electoral College’s rigged system in time for Election Day, we the people shall eliminate all the bugs from our nation’s beds so that every American except Hillary Clinton may sleep soundly once again.
In conclusion, goodnight, sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs undermine and ultimately destroy America’s might.
To learn more about President Trump’s plan to make bedtime great again, follow White House Press Secretary Sean Hannity on Twitter (@PressSec).