The Fourth Day of Mellowmas: Inoperable Figglehorn Mandisa

Jeff: Brrrrrrrrrr! It’s getting nippy out there! I was just outside making Mellowmas snow angels.

Jason: I was in my garage with the car running.

Jeff: Have you ever made a Mellowmas snow angel? It’s where you make a snow angel, and then you take a dump in each ear.

Jason: I believe a dump is left in my ear every day of this season. It takes me until February to get it fully rinsed.

Jeff: Now, now, Jason. You know Barbra Streisand doesn’t poop. She has servants who do that for her.

Jason: Barbara Mandrell, however? Big stinkin’ dumps.

Jeff: Yeah, I had to light a whole box of matches. She’s foul.

Jason: I believe there’s a Glade Plug-In scent called “Mandrell.”

Jeff: “Barbara Mandrell” is French for “courtesy flush.”

Jason: You just know the Mandrell sisters have had some mean farting contests.

Jeff: Isn’t that how the Grand Ole Opry started? Rootin’ tootin’!

Jeff: So listen, it occurs to me that what this Mellowmas has been missing is distracting, vaguely frightening eyebrows.

Jason: Yes! I was just wondering where Fred Schneider was this year. Or wait, am I confusing him with Charo again?

Jeff: Also missing this year: Artists whose names sound kind of like they might have been lifted from the nonsense words in that one Lionel Richie song.

Jason: We have a song by Jambo Jambo?

Jeff: Close. Mandisa!

Jason: Manwhoosa? Oh, wait! Isn’t that Terence Trent D’Arby’s new name?

Jeff: I think Terence Trent D’Arby’s new name is “Associate Since 2006.”

Jason: “Employee of the Month July 2008 & 2009.”

Jeff: Now I want to hear “Wishing Well.”

Jason: I once got Mandisa in my Leighton Meester. Oh, the pain.

Jeff: Did you wash it out with some cold Taylor Momsen?

Jason: Yes, but by then it had spread to my Figglehorn.

Jeff: Inoperable Figglehorn Mandisa. Very sad.

Jason: I’m surprised 4HIM hasn’t done a song about it. Curing IFM would surely bring about a Season of Love.

Jeff: Actually, you know, the title of today’s song should be right up your alley.

Jason: Please, let it be called “Michael McDonald.”

Jeff: Close! It’s “Christmas Makes Me Cry.”

Jason: Does it feature a 3-D Santa?

Jeff: No, but it does feature something called Matthew West.

Jason: Matthew Where?

Jeff: Matthew West is from Alabama, Italy.

Jason: And he has Dove nominations. But no Dove awards.

Jeff: Fingers crossed for an award!

Jason: “In 2007 he faced vocal issues which threatened his career with two months of prescribed vocal rest.”

Jeff: Ooooh. “Vocal issues.” Dude, Bob Dylan has been facing vocal issues for at least 50 years. Matthew West is an amateur.

Jason: “On July 26, 2002, only a week or two before signing a record contract with Universal South Records, West had an injury to his left arm which threatened his musical career and guitar playing. ” This guy has a lot of threats to his career. Maybe he should listen to what the universe is trying to tell him.

Jeff: Why are all these entries so vague?

Jason: Oh no, Jeff. This one isn’t vague:

“I locked myself out of my house. But I’d done that before, and I had a way of breaking in through a window. But this time, I had a really hard time getting the window open. I started pushing up on the window really hard and my hand broke through the glass. Blood starting spewing out of my left arm everywhere and I ran down my street screaming for help. After seeing so much blood, I went into shock and just blacked out in the middle of the street. The next thing I can remember is some construction workers praying over me in Spanish and then being taken to the hospital.”

Jeff: NO.

Jason: Breaking and entering isn’t very Christian-like. Doesn’t matter if it’s your own house.

Jeff: How horrible a person am I for crying tears of laughter at the thought of someone blacking out in the street after accidentally punching through their own window?

Jason: No more horrible than you were for sending me this track in the first place.

Jeff: But it’s Mandisa, Jason. Jambo Jambo.

Jason: Oh yes. We’ve forgotten about Mandwhoosa.

Jeff: Oh, goddammit.

Jason: What?

Jeff: She’s from American Idol.

Jason: If you say so.

Jeff: “She stated that her musical influences run the gamut from Whitney Houston to Def Leppard.”

Jason: “When Mandisa presented herself to the judges prior to the final cut-down to the season’s 24 semi-finalists, she told Cowell: ‘What I want to say to you is that, yes, you hurt me and I cried and it was painful, it really was. But I want you to know that I’ve forgiven you and that you don’t need someone to apologize in order to forgive somebody. I figure that if Jesus could die so that all of my wrongs could be forgiven, I can certainly extend that same grace to you.’ Cowell told Mandisa that he was “humbled” and apologized to her immediately.” Cowell’s no moron.

Jeff: Oh, I can’t WAIT to hear her music.

Jason: Let’s do it!

Mandisa — Christmas Makes Me Cry (Feat. Matthew West) (download)

From It’s Christmas

Jeff: Wintry!

Jason: She looks like Jody Watley, kind of.

Jeff: She sounds like she can’t breathe.

Jason: So breathy. So, so breathy.

Jeff: Yeah, that’s what I meant. It sounds like ALL SHE CAN DO is breathe.

Jason: Her producer on the other side of the glass, going “Add an “h” before every vowel.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha!

Jason: They’re thinking of soldiers across the sea. Pander-y!

Jeff: Matthew West thinks of soldiers across the sea, when he isn’t accidentally attempting suicide. Hey, they sound nice together!

Jason: There’s peace on earth for every heart to find!

Jeff: Although I think this song should have been called “Bombast Makes Me Cry.”

Jason: And sometimes Christmas makes me break into my house through a window!

Jeff: Is it over yet? No? We needed another verse? Okay.

Jason: She’s thinking of family and home, and they’re thinking of letting the electric guitarist out of his cage.

Jeff: I think I just heard Dann Huff walk through the studio, play three notes, and collect $75,000.

This chorus is so very loud. I think they really want us to cry.

Jason: “Yeah, baby. I played the lead guitar solo on ‘Christmas Makes Me Cry,’ and…hey, where are you going?”

Jeff: OH MY GOD IT’S A BIG BIG BRIDGE

But wait! IT ISN’T. SO CLEVER.

Jason: Nope! It was like a Michael Kamen moment or something.

Jeff: Followed by Mandisa thinking about a virgin birth. Big crying!

Holy shit, man. I mean, really.

Jason: Weeping! Sobbing!

Jeff: I think even Jim Steinman would roll his eyes at this song.

Jason: I’m surprised we didn’t see these two covering this song at the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree or something. It seems like one of “those” songs.

Jeff: I think they were covering it at the lighting of the Exxon down the street. Ugh. I say UGH, sir.

Jason: “In 2007, Matthew West collaborated on a song that threatened his musical career.”

Jeff: Mandisa also has a song called “Broken Hallelujah,” which is what you call it when you give someone a “Dove award.”

Jason: “In 2011, Jeff and Jason listened to a song that threatened the bounds of good taste, as well as their sanity.”

Jeff: I have to hand it to these two — that was one very, very Mellowmas song. That’s what I was expecting when we listened to Air Supply a few years ago.

Jason: YES.

Jeff: Imagine Air Supply covering this? places hand over heart

Jason: The only thing it was missing was a firework display at the end.

Jeff: cackles Like the end of Meet Joe Black!