Jeff: Ho, ho, ho! Happy second day of Mellowmas, old pal!

Jason: You’re kidding. We’re only on goddamn day two?

Jeff: I know, right? I ordered a bunch of alcohol after we finished yesterday, because clearly I didn’t have enough on hand.

Jason: I started clearing out my garage in the hopes I could get my car in there. I figured I’d just sit back, listen to some Mellowmas potentials with the engine running…it’s almost too easy.

Jeff: That sounds awfully nice, the way you describe it. Now let me present you with something that does not sound nice.

Jason: At Mellowmas? The hell you say.

Jeff: Jason, have you ever heard of something called Mary Rice Hopkins?

Jason: Yeah, hang on, let me go to the cabinet.

Fuck, this is Uncle Ben.

Jeff: Yes, I know it sounds like a Chinese restaurant in Des Moines, but it’s actually a person. And oh hey, would you believe me if I told you she released an album called A Very Mary Christmas?

Jason: You know what? I would.

Jeff: You’re damn right you would. Oh, some other things about Mary Rice Hopkins.

One, she owns a ukulele. Two, she owns a Christmas top even more garish than the Liberace vest you bought me.

Jason: Three, she encourages, equips and inspires through music and related resources?

Jeff: Yes! And those resources include album covers depicting Mary strumming her ukulele in a garish Christmas top in front of giant candy canes in the snow.

Jason: Whoa, look at that top! heads to eBay


Jason: She has a song called “Sheep Party”?

Jeff: In fact she does.

Jason: Her teeth are really, really white.

Jeff: Jason, you have no idea how really, really white she is. But don’t take my word for it.

Jason: Can’t I please take your word for it?

Jeff: Here. “Unwrap the Gift.”

Jason: Okay….ugh, it’s a box of crap.

Jeff: Let me clue you in a little as to what awaits you here. Say the title out loud, won’t you?

Jason: “Unwrap the Gift.” I just said it alone in my apartment and now I feel stupid.

Jeff: And then imagine to yourself what might possess a very white woman who seems to be trying a little too hard to look cool to use a word containing the “rap” sound in a song title.

Jason: gasp NO.

Jeff: I’ve never seen one of them, but I think this is like the part in the Saw movies where the people figure out what they have to do to get out of the trap.

Jason: I feel like I already know what’s coming, and yet another part of me knows I have no idea what’s coming.

Jeff: You are so right, my friend.

Jason: This is the delight and fear of Mellowmas.

Mary Rice Hopkins, “Unwrap the Gift” (download)

Jason: What? This isn’t so bad.

Jeff: Funky!

Jason: It’s just bluegrassy.

Jeff: Sing it, Mary Rice Hopkins!

Jason: We all like to open our gifts from family and friends! I can get behind that.

Jeff: Not under a tree!

Jason: Dude, you blew it. This song is fine.

Jeff: Shhh.

Jason: Okay, it’s a little Jesus-y for me, but hey, it’s Christmas.

Jeff: Unwrap the gift of Christmas, Jason! You’re gonna be free!

Jason: I mean, I GUESS if you want to get RELIGIOUS about Christmas…

Jeff: J-e-s-u-s!

Jason: J-E-S-U-oh crap.

Jeff: Unwrap! Unwrap!

Jason: J-E-S-U-S-O-S

Jeff: I guarantee at least one pair of khakis was involved in the making of this song.

Jason: Did Dr. Elmo co-write this?

Jeff: This Christmas gift is Jesus, Jason. Mary Rice Hopkins and her nutty banjo-playing friends put Jesus in a box. They didn’t leave him under your tree, though.

J-E-S-U-S! Scratch it, Jesus! Yo! Yo!

Jason: J-E-S-U-S-H-O-O-T-M-E

Well, that’s over.

Jeff: That’s about the most Mellowmas statement of all.

Clearly that song wasn’t indicative of what Mary Rice Hopkins is really all about. Maybe we should play something that highlights her true strengths a little more, just to be fair.

Jason: Are you serious? A second song?

Jeff: You know what, I really was feeling a little guilty, but then I read the following sentence in her bio: “In 2005, Mary teamed up with puppeteer Darcie Maze.”

Jason: What’s a Darcie Maze?

Jeff: I have no idea, but I love that the sentence “She is committed to using her music and ministry to share God’s love and spread the good news of the gospel of Jesus Christ” is followed by a footnote.

Jason: “*Note: News not guaranteed to be good”

Jeff: I have to admit that I’m sort of intrigued by this song title “Manger of My Heart.”

Jason: So what’s this manger, and what’s it doing on my heart?

Jeff: Well, that’s what’s got me curious. How can one have a manger of one’s heart? And if one has a heart manger, must one allow a virgin to give birth in it?

Jason: Sounds messy.

Jeff: It really does. On the other hand, I’m sure there won’t be anything whatsoever messy about this song. Again, I’m sure khakis will be involved.

Jason: As long as it’s not another kid, I’m fine.

Mary Rice Hopkins, “Manger of My Heart” (download)

Jeff: Oh, man. How about that guitar?

Jason: I love that!

Wait, what?

Jeff: Aaaaah! A kid! NO!




Jeff: I’m focusing on that cheesy digital delay on the guitar.

Jason: Jeff, I’m blanking. Who did they steal that guitar sound from?

Jeff: scream of anguish

Jason: It’s like a famous ’80s song.

Jeff: I just reached the chorus. Help.

Jason: I bow to worship at the manger of my heart!

Jeff: “I surrender all to the manger of my heart.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

Jason: I think it’s a fart joke.


Jason: Where’d the other guitar go? COME BACK, AWFUL GUITAR!

Jeff: Do you think the guys from South Park could have written a more spot-on parody of a Christian Christmas song than this? It has all the lyrical touchstones, and none of it makes a lick of sense.

Jason: I smell a challenge — no, wait, that’s coming from the manger of my heart.

Jeff: “Oh, that? That wasn’t me, baby. That was the manger of my heart. It had broccoli for lunch.”

Jason: cackle

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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