Jeff: Happy Mellowmas, old friend!

Jason: Thanks, pal! You too!

Jeff: You know, at this point, without sounding too full of myself, I think I’d have to say that you and I have created one of the all-time great holiday combos.

We’re up there with Bowie and Bing. Kenny and Dolly.

Jason: I’ll agree with you. I look forward to our Mellowmas chats every year. Until we start doing them.

Jeff: Islands in the Mellowmas stream, that is what we are. And speaking of great holiday duets, that’s something we’ve sort of been short on this year, wouldn’t you say?

Jason: You know what? You’re right.

Jeff: Well.

Jason: Wait a minute. You have something up your sleeve, don’t you.

Oh, hang on, I have new e-mail.

“A Gift From Jeff.”

Jeff: Your favorite subject line!


I think I received this in error, Jeff. This was supposed to go to Matt Wardlaw, wasn’t it?

Jeff: There were plenty of errors along the way, but you receiving this was not a mistake.

Matt Wardlaw was probably in the studio when it was recorded, suckling a bottle of Mad Anthony’s Hot Sauce.

What we have here is a brand new holiday combo. Like tequila and light beer!

Jason: Sammy Hagar and…Richard Marx?

Jeff: In the red corner, weighing in at one hundred and Cabo Wabos, it’s Sammy Hagar!

In the other red corner, weighing in at a boot in your ass, it’s Toby Keith!

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllet’s get rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrumble!

Jason: I don’t know, Jeff. I feel like Toby Keith is going to kick my ass if I make fun of him.

Jeff: Maybe Toby Keith should have thought about that before he recorded a Christmas duet with Sammy Hagar. There’s no way we can avoid covering this.

Jason: Not with a cover like this one, no.

Jeff: Besides, when David Lee Roth does a duet with Lee Greenwood, today’s chat will establish context.

Jason: throws up

Jeff: Where’s Santa going today, Jason?

Jason: sigh He’s going south, Jeff. Santa’s Going South.

Jeff: You bet he is.

Toby Keith & Sammy Hagar — Santa’s Going South (download)

Jason: Cute opening.

Jeff: Tasteful. I have a feeling that’s about to stop.

Jason: So far, I like this.

Jeff: Oh, it’s an old-fashioned line-swappin’ duet! Ain’t gonna be no white Christmas, Jason.

Jason: Well, now I see why Toby got top billing.

Jeff: Because he’s packing his tank tops, his board shorts and his flip-flops?

Jason: Wait a second. That was SAMMY SINGING THE WHOLE FIRST PART?

Jeff: I’m pretty sure that’s Sammy going “Woo!” and “yeah yeah yeah.”

Jason: Wait.

Jeff: Santa won’t be back ’til summer’s here?

Jason: Who sang the first part? I don’t hear anything that sounds anything like Sammy Hagar to me.

Jeff: Flippity flops!


Jeff: Santa’s going south for Christmas!

Jason: What the hell happened to Sammy Hagar’s voice, Jeff?

Jeff: He won’t be back ’til summer’s here!

Hey, someone just motorboated your mom!

How many board shorts is Toby Keith packing? Jesus.

Jason: Forget motorboating! WHERE THE FUCK IS SAMMY HAGAR? I don’t understand what’s going on.

Jeff: Oh, he’s in there. You need to listen to more Chickenfoot.

Jason: Where’s the guy who sang “Why Can’t This Be Love” and “Poundcake”?

Jeff: He ain’t coming back ’til summer’s here.

Jason: I admit I haven’t listened to a Sammy Hagar vocal since I saw him play an awful concert with Van Halen in its drunk, reincarnated form.

Jeff: Feliz Navidad!

Jason: Why are you ignoring me?

Jeff: Sammy makes me happy.

Jason: How do you know that was Sammy? Did I miss something? Did he have vocal surgery?

Jeff: I heard Sammy in there. Unless that was Toby. I’ve never listened to a Toby Keith song.

Jason: Toby had to be the one with the twang, right?

Jeff: Maybe? He was the one with the board shorts, I think.

Jason: So was that or was that not Sammy singing the opening part

Jeff: Also the flippity flops.

Jason: ?

Jeff: Sammy did the first line. Then Toby did the second one. After that, it was kind of a blur.

Jason: No.

Jeff: No?

Jason: Isn’t that all one person in the opening?

Jeff: I don’t think so. But that isn’t the point.

Jason: Where the hell is Wardlaw? He’d know. Doesn’t he have a Sammy Hagar singing electric toothbrush next to his Cabo Wabo nightstand lamp?

Jeff: The only thing that matters is that Santa’s going south, and we were here to hear about it first.

Jason: I don’t know what just happened. Also, from what I recall, it wasn’t bad.

Jeff: Pleasantly silly. Charming, one might say. The best part is that it made me want a beer.

Jason: Are we SURE this is Sammy Hagar? And what DOESN’T make you want a beer?

Jeff: Are we sure anyone is Sammy Hagar?

Maybe we’re all Sammy Hagar, Jason. Isn’t that the true message of the holiday season? Gary Cherone died for our sins, and Sammy is risen.

Jason: I think I’m actually going to go back to my Justin Bieber CD. I don’t know. I guess I was expecting the old Sammy Hagar, and instead I got…old Sammy Hagar.

Jeff: Fair enough. I’m going to go see if I own any board shorts and flippity-flops.

Jason: I feel like this whole day of Mellowmas was just an excuse for you to drink before 10 AM. Which is fine. Go have your Corona.

Jeff: Hallelujah!

Jason: I hope lime juice gets in your eye.


About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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