Jeff: Jason!

Jason: Daddy!

I mean, Jeff! Crap. THAT’S awkward.

Jeff: Oh God, have I started looking that much like James Wynbrandt? Turning 40 is rough, man.

Jason: I’ll find out in like 10 years. *cough*

Jeff: Now that you aren’t acting anymore, you don’t have to pretend, you know. But it’s cool. Your secret is safe with me.

Jason: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why have you called upon me today?

Jeff: As our readers may recall, I’ve been trying for days to come up with something unique and special for you to give your wife this holiday season.

Jason: Yes.

Jeff: We tried using a “Sexy Christmas List.”

Jason: Didn’t work.

Jeff: And then it was “Puppy for Christmas.”

Jason: Vetoed by me.

Jeff: But I think with the help of a new Mellowmas artist by the name of Champagne Honeybee, I might have solved your problem.

Jason: …You want me to get Jessica a drag queen for Christmas?

Jeff: That isn’t a bad idea, actually. Doesn’t your daughter need a new au pair?

Jason: One recipient at a time. So who is Champagne Honeybee?

Jeff: Champagne Honeybee knows what to get your wife.

Jason: Perfume?

Jeff: Of a sort, sure!

Jason: Roses?

Jeff: Jason, I give you…”Kimchi for Christmas.”

Jason: Jeff, I return to you “Kimchi for Christmas.”

Jeff: Dammit! You don’t like this idea either?


Jeff: Me neither! We should celebrate by listening to Champagne Honeybee’s “Kimchi for Christmas.”

Jeff: Well, there’s the title.

Jason: Oh, this is kind of cute.

Jeff: She makes a pretty persuasive case for Christmas kimchi, actually. Has she won you over yet?

Jason: She rhymed “breath” with “death.” She sure as hell won me over!

Jeff: Plus, there’s that classy ’50s piano thing going on in there.

Jason: How many Christmas songs mention fermented cabbage? This and “The Christmas Waltz.” That’s it.

Jeff: Has Wing covered this yet? Wing could probably eat the shit out of a jar of kimchi.

Jason: No, but I think we could get her to do it for $50. Like, jar included?


Jason: Well, that happened.

Jeff: It totally did. It’s real.

Jason: I didn’t mind that song at all.

Jeff: I mean, you might read the words “‘Kimchi for Christmas,’ by Champagne Honeybee” and think it’s all made-up nonsense, but no.

Jason: It had a goal, and it clearly stated that goal from the first line.

Jeff: I know you hate parentheses in song titles, but I wasn’t sure how you felt about songs that use the title as the first line. Now I know!

Jason: I’m only fine with them if the word “Kimchi” is included.

Jeff: “Inspired by jazz legends and singer/songwriters of the ’60s and ’70s, Champagne Honeybee takes the ukulele to unexpected places.”

Jason: So does Dave Lifton’s mom.

Jeff: [points at nose, points at you]

She bills herself as a duo consisting of herself and her ukulele, whose name is Lenny. “Her influences include Elton John, Prince, The Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Heart, and Chaka Khan, just to name a few.”

Jason: I kind of love her. I hear all of those in “Kimchi for Christmas.”

Jeff: I bet you do. I think that’s a silly list, but I have to say, Champagne Honeybee has written a holiday song unlike any other, which is a pretty significant accomplishment.

Jason: It’s possibly one of the best things we’ve heard all season. It’s dopey, but it knows it’s dopey, and I find her charming.

Jeff: Me too! In her honor, I will send your wife one (1) case of kimchi for Christmas.

Jason: Is this our first #mellowmasfail of the season?

Jeff: Tuneful, original, creative, self-aware? Check, check, check, and check. I think it might be, yeah.

Jason: Ehh, we made it pretty far in. I’m okay with this. But you can take your case of kimchi and shove it up your ass.


About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

View All Articles