Jeff: Well, here we are, 10 days into the last Mellowmas ever. How are you feeling, old buddy?

Jason: I’m feeling great. What I could probably use is another guilt trip from you, if you’re up for it.

Jeff: You know I’m always up for one of those!

Jason: You are totally Andrew Ridgeley right now, by the way.

Jeff: Just waiting for you to get caught in a rest stop, pal. We both know you’ve already fallen asleep in your car plenty of times.

Jason: Better than puking out the back.

Jeff: [points at nose, points at you]

Now that we’ve dredged up the ghost of “Son of Albert.”

Jason: Clearly I’m stalling.

Jeff: I was actually asking about how you’re feeling because of a different uncomfortable emotion.

Jason: Gas?

Jeff: I know your wife tends to get pretty grumpy around this time of year, what with the Mellowmas and all. I thought maybe today’s song selection might help in that area.

Jason: Let’s be clear about something: there isn’t a single song selection from Mellowmas that will help me in any area of my relationship.

Jeff: YET.

Jason: I refuse to believe you have such a song in your arsenal.

Jeff: Wait, that isn’t true! Remember that thing you guys did with the Mary Rice Hopkins vest role-play?

Jason: You’ve got it all mixed up. That was you and me and the Liberace vest.

Jeff: You let Jess put it in the manger of your heart.

Wait, wouldn’t that make YOU Andrew Ridgeley? This is getting confusing. Let’s talk about the Midwest Merry Makers instead.

Jason: The who?

Jeff: You know, the Midwest Merry Makers. The band that recorded “Christmas Makes Me Horny.”

Jason: No, I DON’T know. THEY DID WHAT.

Jeff: “Christmas Makes Me Horny”! It’s a holiday standard for the ages!

Just kidding, it’s gross and inappropriate.

Jason: I guess that does make it a perfect Mellowmas contender.

Jeff: I so hope it’s seven minutes and 18 seconds long.

Jason: I will kill you.

Jason: Hawny?

Jeff: Oh boy. So this guy has a fetish for holly, lights, and elves, apparently.

Jason: This is gross.

Jeff: Elvis! Elvis is back!

Jason: Although that guy just did a better impression than Dale Hansen.

Jeff: He’s all lit up with the gifts to give like a human Christmas tree, Jason! He wants to make some cheer.

Jason: Something just made his face so tingly.

Jeff: He just rhymed “tingly” with “jingly.”

Jason: Oh good, THERE are the jingle bells I was dying to hear.

Jeff: I love that a real band recorded this.

Jason: The chords are nice. But this song is so dumb. “Maybe it’s the egg nog, or maybe it is not.”

Jeff: Sexy Claus?

Jason: “I’ll be your Sexy Claus.” Enough said.


Jeff: Well, that was unappealing.

I guess it might not actually help you with your wife. You never know until you try, though.

Jason: Not unless she has a thing for the skeevy.

Jeff: You did say you liked the chords. How long do you think it would take you to learn the arrangement?

Jason: I’d rather learn how to pish.

Jeff: I would like it if you filmed yourself suddenly entering the bedroom while performing “Christmas Makes Me Horny.”

Jason: Wearing the Liberace vest.

Jeff: Your dad would play the sleigh bells, I bet.

Jason: Also, why do you want to see this? You’re as sick as a Midwest Merry Maker.

Jeff: Maybe it’s the eggnog!

Jason: Or maybe it is not.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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