Jason: So on my Melllowmas spreadsheet, today’s song is listed as “Sent to us by that douchenozzle Ted.”

Jeff: This is turning into a problem.

Jason: Right?

Jeff: People keep sending us Mellowmas stuff. Last year, Will Harris sent us some really awful music.

Jason: I haven’t spoken to Will since last year for that very reason.

Jeff: I don’t blame you. That shit sucked.

Jason: I don’t even remember what it was right now. But let’s talk about douchenozzle Ted.

Jeff: All right. You have some things you want to get off your chest?

Jason: Here’s what he wrote to you. “Here’s one for Mellowmas this year — or maybe a contender. One reason I’m sending it to you is because it comes from your hometown of Sunnyvale, CA!”

Jeff: First of all, Sunnyvale is not my hometown. Second of all, douchenozzle.

Jason: “The singer is Amy Keys, and the song was ”Created by Ray Ellis and Al Stillman, writer of Home for the Holidays.” Notice Ray Ellis and Al Stillman are a ”writer?” Also, in bold red on the CD, it says A New All Year Round Christmas Song.”

Jeff: That’s funny, because in bold red on my monitor right now are the words “MURDER DEATH KILL.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! He also characterizes the song as “A real room-clearer.”

Jeff: Douchenozzle speaks the truth.

Jason: That’d be impressive. The last song I heard that cleared a room was when your mom played “Jingle Bells” with her hand in her armpit.

Jeff: That wasn’t her armpit!


Jeff: Well, my wife is in the room. Shall we test its room-clearing powers?

Jason: Let’s!

Amy Keys — Let’s Keep That Christmas Feeling (download)

From…we have no idea.

Jason: Ugh!

Jeff: What’s happening with that percussion?

Jason: Forget the percussion, what about the sax?

Jeff: Oh, that sax is awful.

Jason: Her voice isn’t terrible. But the song is.

Jeff: My wife just groaned, “Oh God.”

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: “This one is really awful.”

Jason: Who is this, anyway?

Jeff: A woman with a bright career in jewelry store commercial voiceovers?

Jason: My god, you’re brilliant.

Jeff: I keep getting distracted by that stupid laser effect in the rhythm program. Or whatever that noise is. And sax like this is why sax in pop songs was outlawed after December 1989.

Jason: I can’t find anything about this song online.

Jeff: Dammit, why isn’t this song over yet?

Jason: I did find her MySpace page, which I am not linking to here because it’s ugly and almost crashed my computer.

Jeff: Maybe you can’t find anything online because TED RECORDED IT HIMSELF.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! You think this is Ted’s handiwork? I don’t think his wife sounds like this. Also, I like his wife a lot and refuse to believe she would conspire with him to hurt us.

Jeff: I think maybe he used his Christmas bonus last year to pay Amy Keys and the writer of “Home for the Holidays” to do this. I think maybe when Ted created that megamix of “Wonderful Christmastime” for Vrabel, it sent him over the edge.

Jason: It looks like Amy Keys recorded an album in 1989 entitled Lover’s Intuition. I know what you’re getting for Christmas!

Jeff: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Jason: Actually, fuck that. I’m sending it to Ted.

Jeff: Lover’s Intuition. Can you come up with an album title that’s even more vaguely gross than that?

Jason: What? That could be a Sade title. Or an Anita Baker title.

Jeff: It looks fine on the surface, but there’s something about it that makes me shudder.

Jason: I hate songs in general that talk about keeping the Christmas feeling all year long. If you kept the Christmas feeling all year long, there’d be nothing special about Christmas. Also, I’d have to listen to Mellowmas tracks throughout the year, and starting with you in October is bad enough.

Jeff: Hey, what do you know? Amy Keys’ Lover’s Intuition is available from the Amazon MP3 store.

Jason: Really? I went to eBay, where apparently I can buy Lover’s Intuition on cassette for Ted for $24.50.

Jeff: Oh, wait, no it isn’t. Only the song is. As part of Between the Sheets Vol. 4. I need to go take a shower.

Jason: I can send Ted the vinyl for about $7 or $8. I just have to decide if Ted is worth $7 or $8.

Jeff: Well, I can tell you this much. I just started playing the 30-second sample of Lover’s Intuition at Amazon, and my wife yelled at me.

Jason: Which is impressive, since you figure she’d be completely worn down by now. And you know what’s awful? I still have the chorus in my head.

Jeff: Keep it there all year long!

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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