Jeff: So close, Jason. So close and yet so far.

My big bottle of bourbon is almost empty.

Jason: As is my juice box.

Jeff: I don’t know if I can make it. Have we ever had a Mellowmas when we listened to this much weird outsider shit?

Jason: I’ll make you a deal. I’ll shoot you, and then I’ll shoot myself.

Jeff: In Colorado, right? It has to be in Colorado.

Jason: There’s a diner with our name on it! But to answer your question: no, I don’t think so. I’m aware this is mostly my fault. I voted to go obscure this year. I think it’s because I was still reeling from last year’s Travolta-Newton-John travesty.

Jeff: Suddenly I understand. So…I guess we probably aren’t going to listen to, like, Kelly Clarkson or Mary J. Blige today.

Jason: I think that’s what everybody wants, but the truth is, that stuff is all fairly competent. I’m not saying it’s good, but I’m also not saying it’s bad.

Jeff: This time of year, I crave competence.

Jason: Not me, man! Give me something really great, or give me the bottom of the barrel. I don’t have time for middle-of-the-road. Which is why I have a very special gift for you today, my friend.

Jeff: I vote “something great.” Do we have that?

Jason: Well, Jeff. It’s like this.

Jeff: *gasp* I think this is the first time I’ve been “it’s like this”-ed. I hate it.

Jason: Yeah, you’ve had this coming for a while. You gave me the gift of Conrad Bain, I give you the gift of Crystal Money.

No, not actual money made from crystals. And not a relative of Eddie Money.

Jeff: I wish we were about to listen to Conrad Bain. I wish Conrad Bain had recorded a Christmas album with the cast of Diff’rent Strokes.

Jason: Do me a favor and load up this website.

Jeff: Oh no!

Jason: Hello, friends! I’m Crystal Money. Merry Christmas!

Jeff: *frantically zooms out* Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Crystal Money?

Wait — does Crystal Money only sing Christmas songs?

Jason: You don’t think I kept that page open long enough to find out, do you? Just shhh and listen.

Crystal Money, “Jingle Bell Rock”

Jason: Clip-clop! Izzat you, Wing-y Claus?

Jeff: I groaned when I heard the sound effects, but now I want them back. Crystal Money sings like she’s afraid of waking up her husband.

Lower the key, Crystal! Lower it!

Jason: She also sings like someone gave her the backing track a quarter tone too sharp.

Jeff: Oooh, did you hear what she did with “feet”? That kind of wasn’t a note.

Jason: Oh hey, Santa!

Jeff: Hey, sound effects! Stick around awhile.

Jason: Jingle Bell! Whoa oh ho! Rock!

“Yeah, baby, I did the guitar solo on Crystal Money’s cover of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and…where you goin’, baby?”

Jeff: This poor guitar solo got Lee Shanel-ed in the mix!

Jason: I’ll say this: she sure sounds happy — and if she’s happy, I’m happy for her. That doesn’t mean I’m ever going to listen to this ever again, but I’m happy for her.

Jeff: Jesus, is this really only 2:56 long? For a second I felt like she was adding a verse.

That was one amazingly persuasive argument against internet distribution.

Jason: That was REMARKABLE. Every note was just thiiiiiiiiiis much sharp.

Jeff: But she has a fan site! *I* don’t have a fan site. *You* don’t have a fan site. Clearly, we aren’t doing enough of whatever Crystal Money is doing. You go get a stole and borrow your wife’s lipstick, and let’s see if we can recreate the magic of Crystal’s “Jingle Bell Rock.”

Jason: One step ahead of you, my friend!

Crystal Money

Jason: I love this photo because it’s as if you can hear her saying, “This shit again?”


Jason: I could totally pull off this look. I’m pretty sure your mom has that dress.

Jeff: Finally, Maurice Starr might take you seriously. This is where Mellowmas has been leading us all along, isn’t it?

Jason: Yup. Right into Crystal Money. Which I think is also the name of an adult film.

Jeff: From one type of debasement to the next, my friend. Let’s go see about getting you that Money shot, shall we?

Jason: I wish you could see me right now. I’m giving you the exact same look as the photo above. This shit again, indeed.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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