Jeff: So close, Jason. So close and yet so far.
My big bottle of bourbon is almost empty.
Jason: As is my juice box.
Jeff: I don’t know if I can make it. Have we ever had a Mellowmas when we listened to this much weird outsider shit?
Jason: I’ll make you a deal. I’ll shoot you, and then I’ll shoot myself.
Jeff: In Colorado, right? It has to be in Colorado.
Jason: There’s a diner with our name on it! But to answer your question: no, I don’t think so. I’m aware this is mostly my fault. I voted to go obscure this year. I think it’s because I was still reeling from last year’s Travolta-Newton-John travesty.
Jeff: Suddenly I understand. So…I guess we probably aren’t going to listen to, like, Kelly Clarkson or Mary J. Blige today.
Jason: I think that’s what everybody wants, but the truth is, that stuff is all fairly competent. I’m not saying it’s good, but I’m also not saying it’s bad.
Jeff: This time of year, I crave competence.
Jason: Not me, man! Give me something really great, or give me the bottom of the barrel. I don’t have time for middle-of-the-road. Which is why I have a very special gift for you today, my friend.
Jeff: I vote “something great.” Do we have that?
Jason: Well, Jeff. It’s like this.
Jeff: *gasp* I think this is the first time I’ve been “it’s like this”-ed. I hate it.
Jason: Yeah, you’ve had this coming for a while. You gave me the gift of Conrad Bain, I give you the gift of Crystal Money.
No, not actual money made from crystals. And not a relative of Eddie Money.
Jeff: I wish we were about to listen to Conrad Bain. I wish Conrad Bain had recorded a Christmas album with the cast of Diff’rent Strokes.
Jason: Do me a favor and load up this website.
Jeff: Oh no!
Jason: Hello, friends! I’m Crystal Money. Merry Christmas!
Jeff: *frantically zooms out* Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Crystal Money?
Wait — does Crystal Money only sing Christmas songs?
Jason: You don’t think I kept that page open long enough to find out, do you? Just shhh and listen.
Crystal Money, “Jingle Bell Rock”
Jason: Clip-clop! Izzat you, Wing-y Claus?
Jeff: I groaned when I heard the sound effects, but now I want them back. Crystal Money sings like she’s afraid of waking up her husband.
Lower the key, Crystal! Lower it!
Jason: She also sings like someone gave her the backing track a quarter tone too sharp.
Jeff: Oooh, did you hear what she did with “feet”? That kind of wasn’t a note.
Jason: Oh hey, Santa!
Jeff: Hey, sound effects! Stick around awhile.
Jason: Jingle Bell! Whoa oh ho! Rock!
“Yeah, baby, I did the guitar solo on Crystal Money’s cover of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and…where you goin’, baby?”
Jeff: This poor guitar solo got Lee Shanel-ed in the mix!
Jason: I’ll say this: she sure sounds happy — and if she’s happy, I’m happy for her. That doesn’t mean I’m ever going to listen to this ever again, but I’m happy for her.
Jeff: Jesus, is this really only 2:56 long? For a second I felt like she was adding a verse.
That was one amazingly persuasive argument against internet distribution.
Jason: That was REMARKABLE. Every note was just thiiiiiiiiiis much sharp.
Jeff: But she has a fan site! *I* don’t have a fan site. *You* don’t have a fan site. Clearly, we aren’t doing enough of whatever Crystal Money is doing. You go get a stole and borrow your wife’s lipstick, and let’s see if we can recreate the magic of Crystal’s “Jingle Bell Rock.”
Jason: One step ahead of you, my friend!
Jason: I love this photo because it’s as if you can hear her saying, “This shit again?”
Jeff: THE FACIAL EXPRESSION AND THE VOICE THEY DO NOT MATCH
Jason: I could totally pull off this look. I’m pretty sure your mom has that dress.
Jeff: Finally, Maurice Starr might take you seriously. This is where Mellowmas has been leading us all along, isn’t it?
Jason: Yup. Right into Crystal Money. Which I think is also the name of an adult film.
Jeff: From one type of debasement to the next, my friend. Let’s go see about getting you that Money shot, shall we?
Jason: I wish you could see me right now. I’m giving you the exact same look as the photo above. This shit again, indeed.