Jeff: Hey, Jason!

Jason: Hey there, Jeff! Man, the air is crisp today! I’m feeling good!

Jeff: Oh, I was hoping you’d say that.

Jason: This fucking holiday is almost over! December 26th just gets closer and closer.

Jeff: Yes, and then this Christmas will become last Christmas.

Jason: Well…yes. That’s true. This Christmas will become last WAIT A SECOND

Jeff: Remember last Christmas, Jason?

Jason: No. No. No. No. No.

Jeff: I gave you my heart.

Jason: You did not, in fact, give me your heart.

Jeff: And an autographed photo of the cast of Family Ties.

Jason: You did give me that.

Jeff: The very next day, you gave it away.

Jason: I traded it in for an autographed photo of Richard Moll!

Jeff: This year, Jason, guess what?

Let me guess: an autographed photo of Conrad Bain? Because I received that gift, thank you very much.

Conrad Bain

Jeff: Yes! But also we get to listen to a new cover of your favorite Christmas song! “Last Christmas”! By Ariana Grande!

Jason: Jeff, you son of a bitch. We talked about this. Plus, what the hell is an Ariana Grande?

Jeff: All the boys and girls love Ariana Grande! For different reasons, I think, but whatever.

She’s the new Mariah Carey!

Jason: She’s being run by Tommy Mottola?

Jeff: I’m only telling you what I myself have been told. She had a hit single awhile back that I liked the first hundred times I heard it, but now I can’t remember what it was called.

Jason: *shrugs*

Jeff: Plus, she’s on Nickelodeon! Just the type of artist you love to hear covering “Last Christmas.”

Jason: *looks for long-lost bottle of furniture polish to chug*

Jeff, you have tortured me with “Last Christmas” covers for as long as I can remember. Last year, it was somebody named Nadine, I think.

Jeff: It’s a tradition within a tradition!

Jason: It’s awful within awful!

Jason: This isn’t Last Christmas.

Jeff: Ariana Grande will not be constrained by original lyrics.

Jason: Oh wait. NOW it’s Last Christmas.

Jeff: I kind of dig that funk guitar that’s hiding in the mix.

Jason: Okay, this isn’t THAT bad.

Jeff: Is this the first “Last Christmas” we’ve covered that has b-boy chants?


Jeff: Ariana heard the lyrics and thought they needed improving, Jason. Hey, new bridge! This is exciting.

Jason: That’s not a bridge. But that IS a key change.

Jeff: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Jason: This is just making me grumpy.

Jeff: It would be awesome if Andrew Ridgeley played on this, by which I mean “shook a tambourine.”

Jason: This song never needed any covers. I wonder what George Michael thinks of this? I don’t think George Michael has said a word in like a year.

Jeff: I wonder if he gets sole writing credit, actually. According to Allmusic, he does!

Jason: Are you serious? Wow!

Jeff: That’s the kind of songwriting George Michael likes to do these days! Hey, Babyface produced this.

Jason: Oh great. You can go discuss this with two other people, then.

Jeff: “Well, I love it. It feels good,” Grande told MTV when asked why she covered “Last Christmas.” “But it has a melancholy lyric, so I like that, it’s interesting and it seems to be one of the favorites that everyone loves and we put a really fun twist on it. We took the chorus and then we rewrote the verses and all that stuff, very excited.

Jason: Guess what? The chorus is still melancholy.

Jeff: Asked to reveal her Christmas songwriting secrets, she replied, “You just write about your feelings and throw in a fireplace here and there, a sensible mistletoe lyric, and you got it.”

Totally a real quote, by the way. Ariana “Irving Berlin” Grande.

Jason: Wow. She’s kind of…a genius. Well, that’s it for “Last Christmas,” right?

Jeff: Are you asking me to start trolling Amazon for other “Last Christmas” covers? Okay, fine. You want to challenge me? Let’s do this! MORE “LAST CHRISTMAS”

Jason: No, no, no, that’s not what I meant! I just wanted to see if I could leave for the d…oh goddammit.

Jeff: Jason, I give you Stardeath and the White Dwarfs!

Jason: Fake record sounds.

Jeff: Ah, the crackle of vinyl. Oh, wait. I see what’s going on here.

Jason: I think this, too, will avoid “melancholy.”

Jeff: As well as “intelligibility.”

Jason: *frowns*

Jeff: Is this Bright Eyes?


Jeff: Or the Polyphonic Spree? The Flaming Lips, mayhap?

Jason: I wish agonized people would just go become plumbers or something.

Jeff: “Stardeath and White Dwarfs is an experimental rock band from Norman, Oklahoma, formed in late 2004.”

Jason: I hate so many words in that sentence.

Jeff: “Lead singer Dennis Coyne is the nephew of Flaming Lips lead singer Wayne Coyne.”

Jason: You’re a genius. I don’t know how you did that, but I love/hate you for it.

Jeff: Yuck! That was awful. That wasn’t my kind of “Last Christmas” at all.

Jason: Is that enough to stop you for the rest of this season? Please say yes. Please, please, please. I have suffered at the hands of an Ariana Grande, whatever that is, as well as at least one or two White Dwarves, one whom might be related to a Flaming Lip.

Jeff: I wonder if anyone has covered “Last Christmas (Pudding Mix).”

Jason: You son of a bitch.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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