…It is also the story of a book, a book called The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - not an Earth book, never published on Earth, and until the terrible catastrophe occurred, never seen or heard of by any Earthman.

Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book.

In fact it was probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing houses of Ursa Minor - of which no Earthman had ever heard either.

Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly successful one - more popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid’s trilogy of philosophical blockbusters Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes and Who is this God Person Anyway?

In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitch Hiker’s Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words Don’t Panic inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.

Coldplay - “Don’t Panic”

Neil Young - “Heart of Gold”

Radiohead - “Paranoid Android”

Last week, Zack pulled off a surprise upset against DwDunphy, as Peter Schilling’s “Major Tom” took home 55% of the vote against David Bowie’s “Space Oddity.” Next week, we’ll do a recap of how the various matchups have turned out, as well as taking a look at what’s in store for the future.

David Bowie - “Space Oddity”

Peter Schilling - “Major Tom (Coming Home)”

DwDunphy: It almost seems unfair that Peter Schilling’s “Major Tom” should go up against David Bowie’s “Space Oddity.” “Major Tom” is a pleasant enough piece of ’80s fiddle-dee-dee, but come on! Let’s review the facts here. First, Bowie’s song is about an astronaut as metaphor for a smack junkie. Schilling’s song is about an astronaut. Sure, it’s an astronaut lost in space, but so what? All kinds of crap gets lost out there. Second, Bowie is starting to get his freak on as this song arrived just before the Ziggy Stardust juggernaut. Schilling’s delivery makes Kraftwerk sound like Disco Tex and the Sexolettes. Third, Schilling’s keys sound like a Casio on sale at Wal-Mart. “Space Oddity’s” mellotron part? Rick goddamn Wakeman.

Zack: Sheesh, you aren’t going to make this easy, are you? Obviously there would be no Schilling song without Bowie’s original concept (or would there? The story of Major Tom bears a surprising similarity to the plot of the Asimov short story “Does a Bee Care?”), and “Major Tom (Coming Home)” only reached #14 on the American singles chart. That’s way worse than “Space Oddity,” right? Actually, no, it’s not. Even after Bowie’s record label attempted to buoy “Space Oddity’s” popularity by releasing it to coincide with the Apollo 11 moon landing in 1969, the original release, failed to chart in the U.S. Yeah, but who cares about the U.S.? How much did the hometown fans in the U.K. like it? The original version only reached #5 in the U.K. It wasn’t until 1975, six years later, that a third release of Bowie’s song managed to reach the top of his home market, something that Schilling accomplished in about six minutes when he released “Major Tom” in 1980 in his native Germany.

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Sublime - “5446 and Ball and Chain”

Social Distortion - “Ball and Chain”

Cheap Trick - “Surrender”

The Who - “The Kids Are Alright”

Dire Straits - “Skateaway”

Melanie Safka - “Brand New Key”

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n

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What do you want Rollergirl to do with her skates?

• Leave them on (Dire Straits)
• Take them off (Melanie Safka)

View Results

M83 - “Teen Angst”

Placebo - “Teenage Angst”

Zack: It’s hard to argue that there’s anybody who has a better grasp of teen angst than Gordon Gano of the Violent Femmes. But Brian Molko of Placebo comes close. Growing up as a theater-obsessed, androgynous (and eventually bisexual) child in a family that rarely spent more than two years in a single location, I guarantee the only thing Molko dreaded more than having to interact with his dad, an international banker, was going to school. In an FHM interview, Molko claimed to have been forced to leave his school in Luxembourg due to excessive bullying, and given his nature and appearance, is it hard to doubt? And what does M83’s Anthony Gonzalez have to say about his life as an adolescent? “I loved being a teenager. That’s when I discovered music and started to take drugs and make parties [sic] with my friends. I really started to discover new things. Nowadays I would like to be a teenager again.” Wow. Someone get this poor guy a rag so he can wipe off all the angst.

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Sonic Youth - “The Sprawl”

Straylight Run - “Existentialism on Prom Night”

“He sat beside Molly in filtered sunlight on the rim of a dry concrete fountain, letting the endless stream of faces recapitulate the stages of his life. First a child with hooded eyes, a street boy, hands relaxed and ready at his sides; then a teenager, face smooth and cryptic beneath red glasses. Case remembered fighting on a rooftop at seventeen, silent combat in the rose glow of the dawn geodesics. He shifted on the concrete, feeling it rough and cool through the thin black denim. Nothing here like the electric dance of Ninsei. This was different commerce, a different rhythm, in the smell of fast food and perfume and fresh summer sweat.” — William Gibson

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Def Leppard - “Rocket”

Herbie Hancock - “Rockit”

Mojo: “The exception that proves the rule” is a cliche whose meaning completely eludes me. It’s like saying just once, we can trust Rush Limbaugh to walk into an NFL pregame show and…well, you know what I mean. But if there was ever a band that fit the cliche, it’s Def Leppard. They fit a lot of cliches, but let’s focus on Mojo’s main rule: If it’s got a good hook, it’s gotta be good pop, period, and it doesn’t matter if it’s Miley Cyrus or Miles Davis is doing it. Def Leppard had dumptruck loads of good hooks, but no one would ever confuse them with good pop. “Rocket” is personally offensive to me, because they co-opt the very fabric of rock-n-roll and claim to be a part of the lineage that begat Major Tom, Dizzy Miss Lizzy, and even Lou Reed and his Satellite of Love–even though I think the gents in the last song-off did a good job of communicating the collective Popdose attitude toward Lou Reed. But even he’s a dozen steps up from this garbage.

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Eric Clapton - “I’ve Got a Rock and Roll Heart”

Dave: Did Clapton have to record this to pay back the writers for lending him money for blow? This record is such a piece of dogshit that a couple of Phil Collins-produced records and selling out to Michelob were considered a “return to form.” And that lyric “I get off on screaming guitars” would be horrible even if the guitar lick actually, you know, screamed. Maybe the problem was that he was too busy removing his dick from the tailpipe of a ‘57 Chevy to realize his tone sucked.

Scott: What do you have against a man and his masturbatory habits, David? When Clapton recorded this song, he’d kicked drugs for the first time; he needed something to get his rocks off. Still, this song isn’t that bad. It’s an natural extension of the drug fueled reggae influenced shuffles he churned out in the 70’s, except this time he was sober. Maybe “I get off” was a bad selection of words, but when you look at the charts from 1983 (Men at Work, Human League, Culture Club) who the hell expected this song to be a hit? Certainly not Clapton. The look of his face on the cover of “Money and Cigarettes” tells it all: “I don’t give a shit. I’m Eric Clapton.” I’m sure some dumb ass exec enthusiastically told him that this song was a bona fide hit. To which Clapton most likely replied, “Fuck it, ya poofter, release whatever god damn song you want. I’m ERIC FUCKING CLAPTON! Now bring me a Trans Am, I’m through with that saggy old Chevy.” Seriously, the song’s obviously a throwaway that became a fluke hit. How else do you explain him selling his soul to the devil and teaming up with Phil Collins?
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Dramarama - “Work for Food”

It’s hard to go shopping in a thrift store these days without running into a t-shirt or two from Dramarama’s Hi-Fi-Sci-Fi tour, which was attended by approximately 10% of the U.S. population. (more…)