The Nineteenth Day of Mellowmas: Kenny’s Beard Strikes Back

Written by Mellowmas, Music

Kenny Rogers takes a break from his busy plastic surgery schedule to record yet another Christmas album, and all of us are poorer for it.

Jeff: So, Jason, it just occurred to me that I think we made a mistake last year.

Jason: By “last year,” do you mean “the past five years”?

Jeff: Ahem. What I mean is that it’s become sort of an unintentional tradition for us to cover Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton every year. Which kind of makes sense, given that they’ve released, like, six Christmas records, but whatever.

Jason: Did we cover them three times? I remember two. I remember “I Believe in Santa Claus,” and “A Christmas to Remember.”

Jeff: At this point, all I remember is Dollytoe.

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: And something about a really creepy holiday mannequin.

Jason: One featured Kenny as Santa, and the other one featured them making out in a chalet filled with mannequins. (Which, now that we’ve talked about Annie Lennox, I realize must have totally freaked you the fuck out.)

Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My point is this: I think we only covered Dolly last year. No Kenny! What the fuck, Jason?

Jason: We covered Dolly on her own last year? I’m so tired. I don’t remember.

Jeff: I think last year was the return of Dollytoe or something, wasn’t it? I don’t remember either. My real point is this: KENNY ROGERS JUST RELEASED A LIVE CHRISTMAS ALBUM.

We cover a lot of artists here, and we’re familiar with the ones who really, really love releasing Christmas albums. But you’ve entered a special circle of Mellowmas when you release a LIVE Christmas album.

Jason: To be honest, Jeff, I’m surprised this is his first live Christmas album. He tours the Christmas season every year.

Jeff: I know! I keep trying to get you to go!

Jason: Didn’t your wife suggest you go with me this year?

Jeff: Shhhhhhh.

Jason: I love your wife.

Jason: Why can’t this be a Kenny Rogers/Lionel Richie live Christmas album?

Jeff: Because Lionel Richie is freaked out by Kenny Rogers’ glowing orange skin?

Jason: I’d pay twice for that. I wonder if Dolly sees him as normal.

Jeff: Sadly, I don’t think Kenny had any special guests on his live Christmas album. Not a Dollytoe to be found.

Jason: Boo, Kenny! You suck, Kenny! What’s Christmas without Dolly, Kenny?

Jeff: …Not tacky? Oh, wait, you weren’t asking me.

Jason: No, I was asking Kenny, but I believe his ears were lifted too high for him to hear me.

Jeff: Hey, speaking of tacky, check out this song from Kenny’s live Christmas album: it’s called “Mary, Did You Know.”

Jason: Let’s figure out the next lyric!

Jeff: “Mary, did you know God was schtupping you?”

Jason: “Mary, Did You Know We’re Having Roasters For Dinner Tonight?”

“Mary Did You Know A Squirrel Lived In My Beard From 1979 – 1991?”

Jeff: “Mary, did you know we’re watching Six Pack in bed tonight?”

See, I’m making fun of Kenny here, but now that I’ve opened Wikipedia, I see that “Mary, Did You Know” has a rather rich history.

Jason: “Mary, Did You Know I Lost My Keys Somewhere In Dollytoe?”

Jeff: For instance, it’s a Marian hymn. Whatever that is. Also, it has been covered by Clay Aiken.

Jason: You can stop there. I don’t need to know any more.

Jeff: Oh! And Kenny has recorded it before. As a duet with Wynonna Judd!

Jason: Oh sweet Jesus.

Jeff: They shared many Kenny Rogers Roasters after it was over. Hey, whoa. The Clay Aiken version? It peaked at #32 on Billboard’s Hot Christian Songs chart.

Every single word in that sentence sounds wrong.

Jason: “Mary, Did You Know That At Kenny Rogers’ Rosters, You Don’t Need A Napkin, Just My Papery Face?” I think I just figured out the new direction for Chart Attack! in 2011.

Jeff: I was drinking when you said that, and now I do need a napkin. Hold on.

Jason: Mellowmas Victory is mine!

Jeff: Well, I guess we’ve probably stalled enough. Are you ready to hear your first live Marian hymn?



Kenny Rogers – Mary, Did You Know? (live)

Jason: Ooh, those strings are live, I think. And yet, the drums are not.

Jeff: Sadly, I think all of this was performed on stage, in front of a live studio audience. Kenny Rogers sounds a little like a goat.

Jason: I hope someone fucks up and presses the TR-808 cowbell sound. Actually, so far, he actually doesn’t sound so bad. I’m surprised.

Jeff: Ha ha ha! That would be great. I’d love to hear Salt ‘n’ Pepa come out and start doing “Push It” over this. Who’s that other person singing?

Jason: I was just going to ask you! I think it’s Oleta Adams. (I am totally making that up.) Maybe it’s Amy Keys?

Jeff: No sax, though. Wynonna? Mary, did you know how so many people ended up covering this boring-ass song?

Jason:
“The dumb will speak.” Too late!

Jeff: I can’t even picture the stage setup for this. Did Kenny bother having a pretend band behind him?

Jason: “Mary, Did You Know You Can Get 1/4 Dark Meat And 1/4 White Meat For $11.99 Now Through December 31st?”

Jeff: “Mary, Did You Know I Used to Matter?”

Jason: Oh, listen to that ’80s keyboard sound.

Jeff: Oof. Hey, guess what? I hate this song.

Jason: “Mary, Did You Know I Funded Boats For Three Different Plastic Surgeons?”

Jeff: Holy shit! It ends with no applause!

Jason: Wait a second. That song just ended and there was no crowd noise whatsoever!

Jeff: What kind of live album is this?

Jason: A bullshit live album! Maybe the audience booed, and they had to edit it out.

Jeff: OR THE MOST HONEST LIVE ALBUM OF ALL TIME.

Jason: Wow. Should we be praising Kenny?

Jeff: I don’t exactly feel like praising anyone other than my glass of bourbon right now, but okay. If it keeps Kenny from releasing yet another Christmas album, I’ll praise anyone.

Jason: I’ll be honest. I didn’t hate the song. It was kind of moody in a nice way. But I’d be interested in hearing someone else sing it. AND NO, NOT CLAY AIKEN BEFORE YOU GET ANY FUCKING IDEAS.

Jeff: “Moody in a nice way”? Who are you? That was terrible. It was schmaltzy and dumb.

Jason: Yeah, but so am I.

Jeff: That’s an excellent point.

Jason: Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to ever listen to it again. But this is the holiday season. We should review what we’re thankful for. I’m thankful he didn’t yell at me like Annie Lennox did.

Jeff: As am I.

Jason: I’m thankful I didn’t have to stare at a picture of Dollytoe looking like the Joker.

Jeff: YES. I’m thankful for fried chicken. I’m also sort of hungry.

Jason: If you want, I could have some fried chicken served to you by a mannequin.

Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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