Jeff: Jason!

Jason: Daddy!

I mean, Jeff! Crap. THAT’S awkward.

Jeff: Oh God, have I started looking that much like James Wynbrandt? Turning 40 is rough, man.

Jason: I’ll find out in like 10 years. *cough*

Jeff: Now that you aren’t acting anymore, you don’t have to pretend, you know. But it’s cool. Your secret is safe with me.

Jason: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why have you called upon me today?

Jeff: As our readers may recall, I’ve been trying for days to come up with something unique and special for you to give your wife this holiday season.

Jason: Yes.

Jeff: We tried using a “Sexy Christmas List.”

Jason: Didn’t work.

Jeff: And then it was “Puppy for Christmas.”

Jason: Vetoed by me.

Jeff: But I think with the help of a new Mellowmas artist by the name of Champagne Honeybee, I might have solved your problem.

Jason: …You want me to get Jessica a drag queen for Christmas?

Jeff: That isn’t a bad idea, actually. Doesn’t your daughter need a new au pair?

Jason: One recipient at a time. So who is Champagne Honeybee?

Jeff: Champagne Honeybee knows what to get your wife.

Jason: Perfume?

Jeff: Of a sort, sure!

Jason: Roses?

Jeff: Jason, I give you…”Kimchi for Christmas.”

Jason: Jeff, I return to you “Kimchi for Christmas.”

Jeff: Dammit! You don’t like this idea either?

Jason: I HAVEN’T LIKED A SINGLE IDEA ALL MELLOWMAS

Jeff: Me neither! We should celebrate by listening to Champagne Honeybee’s “Kimchi for Christmas.”

Jeff: Well, there’s the title.

Jason: Oh, this is kind of cute.

Jeff: She makes a pretty persuasive case for Christmas kimchi, actually. Has she won you over yet?

Jason: She rhymed “breath” with “death.” She sure as hell won me over!

Jeff: Plus, there’s that classy ’50s piano thing going on in there.

Jason: How many Christmas songs mention fermented cabbage? This and “The Christmas Waltz.” That’s it.

Jeff: Has Wing covered this yet? Wing could probably eat the shit out of a jar of kimchi.

Jason: No, but I think we could get her to do it for $50. Like, jar included?

Jeff: NOTHING SAYS HOLIDAY CHEER
LIKE CABBAGE THAT’S BEEN FERMENTING ALL YEAR

Jason: Well, that happened.

Jeff: It totally did. It’s real.

Jason: I didn’t mind that song at all.

Jeff: I mean, you might read the words “‘Kimchi for Christmas,’ by Champagne Honeybee” and think it’s all made-up nonsense, but no.

Jason: It had a goal, and it clearly stated that goal from the first line.

Jeff: I know you hate parentheses in song titles, but I wasn’t sure how you felt about songs that use the title as the first line. Now I know!

Jason: I’m only fine with them if the word “Kimchi” is included.

Jeff: “Inspired by jazz legends and singer/songwriters of the ’60s and ’70s, Champagne Honeybee takes the ukulele to unexpected places.”

Jason: So does Dave Lifton’s mom.

Jeff: [points at nose, points at you]

She bills herself as a duo consisting of herself and her ukulele, whose name is Lenny. “Her influences include Elton John, Prince, The Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Heart, and Chaka Khan, just to name a few.”

Jason: I kind of love her. I hear all of those in “Kimchi for Christmas.”

Jeff: I bet you do. I think that’s a silly list, but I have to say, Champagne Honeybee has written a holiday song unlike any other, which is a pretty significant accomplishment.

Jason: It’s possibly one of the best things we’ve heard all season. It’s dopey, but it knows it’s dopey, and I find her charming.

Jeff: Me too! In her honor, I will send your wife one (1) case of kimchi for Christmas.

Jason: Is this our first #mellowmasfail of the season?

Jeff: Tuneful, original, creative, self-aware? Check, check, check, and check. I think it might be, yeah.

Jason: Ehh, we made it pretty far in. I’m okay with this. But you can take your case of kimchi and shove it up your ass.

Jeff: NOTHING SAYS HOLIDAY CHEER
LIKE A CASE OF KIMCHI SHOVED UP JEFF’S REAR