The Third Day of Mellowmas: The Kringle Tingle

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2012, Music

Does omnipotence give Santa an unfair advantage with the ladies? We investigate

Jeff: On the third day of Mellowmas, my Jason gave to me!

Another piece of his soul!

And a partridge in a pear tree!

Jason: weeps silently

Jeff: I apologize for that outburst. I’ve been drunk for 36 hours.

Jason: I hear you. I’ve had a lot apple juice to cope.

Jeff: Is it just me, or has this Mellowmas been especially brutal thus far? We’ve had child pageantry and Christian khaki rap.

Jason: We had mangers of our hearts. And dear lord, it’s only day three.

Jeff: Yes. We are about to enter a very dark place.

Jason: I think you’re deluding yourself if you think we aren’t already there, but okay.

Jeff: So let’s see. How many years have we been doing this? Seven or something?

Jason: This is either six or seven. Or eight? Goddamn, I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

Okay, I kind of want to know.

Jeff: I ask because I feel like we’ve probably heard just about every type of Christmas song there is. Or I felt like that before today, anyway.

Jason: Seriously? You have something new?

Jeff: Because before today, we had never heard an ’80s-style synth ballad about Santa falling in love.

Jason: You know, honestly? You could have told me we had, and I would have totally believed you.

Jeff: You’ll remember this one, believe me.

Lea Salonga, Jason.

Jason: Happy Kwanzaa, Jeff.

Jeff: pours one out for Teddy Pendergrass

Anyway, um, Lea Salonga. She’s, like, a Disney voice or something. Or if she isn’t, she should be.

Jason: I know Lea Salonga. I saw her in Miss Saigon, I think.

Jeff: That’s racist.

Jason: Or maybe it was Les Miserables. aka Jeff and Jason at Mellowmas.

Jeff: ZING! Actually, she won the Tony for Miss Saigon. Which is one more award than she won for what we’re about to hear, I assure you.

Jason: Her album is called The Christmas Album.

Jeff: Les Originales!

Jason, I give you “Even Santa Fell in Love.” Can’t you just feel the Mellowmas in that title?

Jason: Moreso than “Pasko Na Sinta Ko,” another song on the album.

Jeff: Yeah, I’ve recently discovered that synthy Christmas music is huge in the Philippines. But that’s a story for a different day.

Jason: Oh, yes, I can’t wait for that story! readies noose

Jeff: First, Santa is going to fall in love. Ready?

Lea Salonga, “Even Santa Fell in Love” (download)

Jason: That’s pretty.

Jeff: So pretty. I wouldn’t be surprised if a Porcaro was involved in this.

Jason: He brushes back his silver hair?

Jeff: Yes, let’s just dive in here.

Jason: This is like AARP Forum.

Jeff: Yes! And it’s also CREEPY AS HELL. Because let me remind you of something about Santa, which is this: HE CAN ALWAYS SEE YOU. And here he is chasing after some poor woman.

He can teach her how to fly, Jason.

Jason: I want these lyrics to go horribly wrong.

Jeff: They already did!

Jason: “He slipped a roofie in her drink.”

Jeff: SANTA IS A STALKER. He knows when she’s been sleeping! Oh God, he knows when she’s awake! He wants someone to come home to WHEN THE TOYS ARE PUT AWAY I JUST BARFED

Jason: “He masturbated in the corner.”

Jeff: She sees his eyes are all aglow. And oh God HIS CHRISTMAS TOUCH

Jason: Mrs. Kringle feels the tingle!

Jeff: Aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghh

Jason: That’s actually a GREAT fucking lyric.

Jeff: This is foul. This is Sleeping with the Enemy: Christmas Edition.

Jason: Santa, baby! You creeper!

Oooh, big finish. Gear up that drum machine!

Jeff: No, we still have a minute left!


Jeff: I guess because Santa hasn’t thrown her body in a dumpster yet?

Jason: Whoa, that just got dark.

Jeff: Where do you think we’ve been for the last four minutes?

Jason: I thought masturbating in the corner was creepy. You win. And by “you win,” I mean “we all lose.”

Jeff: I submit that you can’t write a non-creepy love song about an omnipotent elf man who comes once a year.

Jason: There’s a killer joke about my dad here, I just know it.

Jeff: ZING!

This song fascinates me. I’m not sure we’ve ever heard anything more Mellowmas.

Jason: That’s a pretty bold statement, buddy.

Jeff: I mean, it’s SO competently recorded. And SO slick.

And also SO dumb and wrong.

Plus, the singer is doing her best Debbie Gibson impression on the cover.

Jason: Lea Salonga has sung so many songs over the years. I wonder if she gets one like this and she’s like, “….sure, whatever. Fuck it.”

Jeff: I’d love to hear Lea Salonga sing those words. Oh hey, you know who else recorded this song? JIM BRICKMAN.

Jason: That surprises me zero percent, especially since she sings “The Gift” on this album — also a Jim Brickman song.

Jeff: I guess all we need is a Hallmark Channel movie titled Thomas Kincaid Presents: Even Santa Fell in Love, starring Genie Francis and Josh Duhamel.

Jason: Wow. That is incredibly well-imagined. In fact…that’s kind of creepy. Between this and the dumpster comment…maybe it’s time for me to go.

Jeff: Hang on, I’m sending you a video of some dude covering this song in his bedroom studio on YouTube.

Jason: Ten bucks says it’s you.

Jeff: That wasn’t me, baby. It was the manger in my heart.