Jeff: On the third day of Mellowmas, my Jason gave to me!
Another piece of his soul!
And a partridge in a pear tree!
Jason: weeps silently
Jeff: I apologize for that outburst. I’ve been drunk for 36 hours.
Jason: I hear you. I’ve had a lot apple juice to cope.
Jeff: Is it just me, or has this Mellowmas been especially brutal thus far? We’ve had child pageantry and Christian khaki rap.
Jason: We had mangers of our hearts. And dear lord, it’s only day three.
Jeff: Yes. We are about to enter a very dark place.
Jason: I think you’re deluding yourself if you think we aren’t already there, but okay.
Jeff: So let’s see. How many years have we been doing this? Seven or something?
Jason: This is either six or seven. Or eight? Goddamn, I don’t know and I don’t want to know.
Okay, I kind of want to know.
Jeff: I ask because I feel like we’ve probably heard just about every type of Christmas song there is. Or I felt like that before today, anyway.
Jason: Seriously? You have something new?
Jeff: Because before today, we had never heard an ’80s-style synth ballad about Santa falling in love.
Jason: You know, honestly? You could have told me we had, and I would have totally believed you.
Jeff: You’ll remember this one, believe me.
Lea Salonga, Jason.
Jason: Happy Kwanzaa, Jeff.
Jeff: pours one out for Teddy Pendergrass
Anyway, um, Lea Salonga. She’s, like, a Disney voice or something. Or if she isn’t, she should be.
Jason: I know Lea Salonga. I saw her in Miss Saigon, I think.
Jeff: That’s racist.
Jason: Or maybe it was Les Miserables. aka Jeff and Jason at Mellowmas.
Jeff: ZING! Actually, she won the Tony for Miss Saigon. Which is one more award than she won for what we’re about to hear, I assure you.
Jason: Her album is called The Christmas Album.
Jeff: Les Originales!
Jason, I give you “Even Santa Fell in Love.” Can’t you just feel the Mellowmas in that title?
Jason: Moreso than “Pasko Na Sinta Ko,” another song on the album.
Jeff: Yeah, I’ve recently discovered that synthy Christmas music is huge in the Philippines. But that’s a story for a different day.
Jason: Oh, yes, I can’t wait for that story! readies noose
Jeff: First, Santa is going to fall in love. Ready?
Lea Salonga, “Even Santa Fell in Love” (download)
Jason: That’s pretty.
Jeff: So pretty. I wouldn’t be surprised if a Porcaro was involved in this.
Jason: He brushes back his silver hair?
Jeff: Yes, let’s just dive in here.
Jason: This is like AARP Forum.
Jeff: Yes! And it’s also CREEPY AS HELL. Because let me remind you of something about Santa, which is this: HE CAN ALWAYS SEE YOU. And here he is chasing after some poor woman.
He can teach her how to fly, Jason.
Jason: I want these lyrics to go horribly wrong.
Jeff: They already did!
Jason: “He slipped a roofie in her drink.”
Jeff: SANTA IS A STALKER. He knows when she’s been sleeping! Oh God, he knows when she’s awake! He wants someone to come home to WHEN THE TOYS ARE PUT AWAY I JUST BARFED
Jason: “He masturbated in the corner.”
Jeff: She sees his eyes are all aglow. And oh God HIS CHRISTMAS TOUCH
Jason: Mrs. Kringle feels the tingle!
Jason: That’s actually a GREAT fucking lyric.
Jeff: This is foul. This is Sleeping with the Enemy: Christmas Edition.
Jason: Santa, baby! You creeper!
Oooh, big finish. Gear up that drum machine!
Jeff: No, we still have a minute left!
Jason: HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
Jeff: I guess because Santa hasn’t thrown her body in a dumpster yet?
Jason: Whoa, that just got dark.
Jeff: Where do you think we’ve been for the last four minutes?
Jason: I thought masturbating in the corner was creepy. You win. And by “you win,” I mean “we all lose.”
Jeff: I submit that you can’t write a non-creepy love song about an omnipotent elf man who comes once a year.
Jason: There’s a killer joke about my dad here, I just know it.
This song fascinates me. I’m not sure we’ve ever heard anything more Mellowmas.
Jason: That’s a pretty bold statement, buddy.
Jeff: I mean, it’s SO competently recorded. And SO slick.
And also SO dumb and wrong.
Plus, the singer is doing her best Debbie Gibson impression on the cover.
Jason: Lea Salonga has sung so many songs over the years. I wonder if she gets one like this and she’s like, “….sure, whatever. Fuck it.”
Jeff: I’d love to hear Lea Salonga sing those words. Oh hey, you know who else recorded this song? JIM BRICKMAN.
Jason: That surprises me zero percent, especially since she sings “The Gift” on this album — also a Jim Brickman song.
Jeff: I guess all we need is a Hallmark Channel movie titled Thomas Kincaid Presents: Even Santa Fell in Love, starring Genie Francis and Josh Duhamel.
Jason: Wow. That is incredibly well-imagined. In fact…that’s kind of creepy. Between this and the dumpster comment…maybe it’s time for me to go.
Jeff: Hang on, I’m sending you a video of some dude covering this song in his bedroom studio on YouTube.
Jason: Ten bucks says it’s you.
Jeff: That wasn’t me, baby. It was the manger in my heart.