Jeff: On the third day of Mellowmas, my Jason gave to me!

Another piece of his soul!

And a partridge in a pear tree!

Jason: weeps silently

Jeff: I apologize for that outburst. I’ve been drunk for 36 hours.

Jason: I hear you. I’ve had a lot apple juice to cope.

Jeff: Is it just me, or has this Mellowmas been especially brutal thus far? We’ve had child pageantry and Christian khaki rap.

Jason: We had mangers of our hearts. And dear lord, it’s only day three.

Jeff: Yes. We are about to enter a very dark place.

Jason: I think you’re deluding yourself if you think we aren’t already there, but okay.

Jeff: So let’s see. How many years have we been doing this? Seven or something?

Jason: This is either six or seven. Or eight? Goddamn, I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

Okay, I kind of want to know.

Jeff: I ask because I feel like we’ve probably heard just about every type of Christmas song there is. Or I felt like that before today, anyway.

Jason: Seriously? You have something new?

Jeff: Because before today, we had never heard an ’80s-style synth ballad about Santa falling in love.

Jason: You know, honestly? You could have told me we had, and I would have totally believed you.

Jeff: You’ll remember this one, believe me.

Lea Salonga, Jason.

Jason: Happy Kwanzaa, Jeff.

Jeff: pours one out for Teddy Pendergrass

Anyway, um, Lea Salonga. She’s, like, a Disney voice or something. Or if she isn’t, she should be.

Jason: I know Lea Salonga. I saw her in Miss Saigon, I think.

Jeff: That’s racist.

Jason: Or maybe it was Les Miserables. aka Jeff and Jason at Mellowmas.

Jeff: ZING! Actually, she won the Tony for Miss Saigon. Which is one more award than she won for what we’re about to hear, I assure you.

Jason: Her album is called The Christmas Album.

Jeff: Les Originales!

Jason, I give you “Even Santa Fell in Love.” Can’t you just feel the Mellowmas in that title?

Jason: Moreso than “Pasko Na Sinta Ko,” another song on the album.

Jeff: Yeah, I’ve recently discovered that synthy Christmas music is huge in the Philippines. But that’s a story for a different day.

Jason: Oh, yes, I can’t wait for that story! readies noose

Jeff: First, Santa is going to fall in love. Ready?

Lea Salonga, “Even Santa Fell in Love” (download)

Jason: That’s pretty.

Jeff: So pretty. I wouldn’t be surprised if a Porcaro was involved in this.

Jason: He brushes back his silver hair?

Jeff: Yes, let’s just dive in here.

Jason: This is like AARP Forum.

Jeff: Yes! And it’s also CREEPY AS HELL. Because let me remind you of something about Santa, which is this: HE CAN ALWAYS SEE YOU. And here he is chasing after some poor woman.

He can teach her how to fly, Jason.

Jason: I want these lyrics to go horribly wrong.

Jeff: They already did!

Jason: “He slipped a roofie in her drink.”

Jeff: SANTA IS A STALKER. He knows when she’s been sleeping! Oh God, he knows when she’s awake! He wants someone to come home to WHEN THE TOYS ARE PUT AWAY I JUST BARFED

Jason: “He masturbated in the corner.”

Jeff: She sees his eyes are all aglow. And oh God HIS CHRISTMAS TOUCH

Jason: Mrs. Kringle feels the tingle!

Jeff: Aaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggghh

Jason: That’s actually a GREAT fucking lyric.

Jeff: This is foul. This is Sleeping with the Enemy: Christmas Edition.

Jason: Santa, baby! You creeper!

Oooh, big finish. Gear up that drum machine!

Jeff: No, we still have a minute left!


Jeff: I guess because Santa hasn’t thrown her body in a dumpster yet?

Jason: Whoa, that just got dark.

Jeff: Where do you think we’ve been for the last four minutes?

Jason: I thought masturbating in the corner was creepy. You win. And by “you win,” I mean “we all lose.”

Jeff: I submit that you can’t write a non-creepy love song about an omnipotent elf man who comes once a year.

Jason: There’s a killer joke about my dad here, I just know it.

Jeff: ZING!

This song fascinates me. I’m not sure we’ve ever heard anything more Mellowmas.

Jason: That’s a pretty bold statement, buddy.

Jeff: I mean, it’s SO competently recorded. And SO slick.

And also SO dumb and wrong.

Plus, the singer is doing her best Debbie Gibson impression on the cover.

Jason: Lea Salonga has sung so many songs over the years. I wonder if she gets one like this and she’s like, “….sure, whatever. Fuck it.”

Jeff: I’d love to hear Lea Salonga sing those words. Oh hey, you know who else recorded this song? JIM BRICKMAN.

Jason: That surprises me zero percent, especially since she sings “The Gift” on this album — also a Jim Brickman song.

Jeff: I guess all we need is a Hallmark Channel movie titled Thomas Kincaid Presents: Even Santa Fell in Love, starring Genie Francis and Josh Duhamel.

Jason: Wow. That is incredibly well-imagined. In fact…that’s kind of creepy. Between this and the dumpster comment…maybe it’s time for me to go.

Jeff: Hang on, I’m sending you a video of some dude covering this song in his bedroom studio on YouTube.

Jason: Ten bucks says it’s you.

Jeff: That wasn’t me, baby. It was the manger in my heart.

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

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