The Twenty-Second Day of Mellowmas: The Money Shot

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2013, Music

Jeff: So close, Jason. So close and yet so far.

My big bottle of bourbon is almost empty.

Jason: As is my juice box.

Jeff: I don’t know if I can make it. Have we ever had a Mellowmas when we listened to this much weird outsider shit?

Jason: I’ll make you a deal. I’ll shoot you, and then I’ll shoot myself.

Jeff: In Colorado, right? It has to be in Colorado.

Jason: There’s a diner with our name on it! But to answer your question: no, I don’t think so. I’m aware this is mostly my fault. I voted to go obscure this year. I think it’s because I was still reeling from last year’s Travolta-Newton-John travesty.

Jeff: Suddenly I understand. So…I guess we probably aren’t going to listen to, like, Kelly Clarkson or Mary J. Blige today.

Jason: I think that’s what everybody wants, but the truth is, that stuff is all fairly competent. I’m not saying it’s good, but I’m also not saying it’s bad.

Jeff: This time of year, I crave competence.

Jason: Not me, man! Give me something really great, or give me the bottom of the barrel. I don’t have time for middle-of-the-road. Which is why I have a very special gift for you today, my friend.

Jeff: I vote “something great.” Do we have that?

Jason: Well, Jeff. It’s like this.

Jeff: *gasp* I think this is the first time I’ve been “it’s like this”-ed. I hate it.

Jason: Yeah, you’ve had this coming for a while. You gave me the gift of Conrad Bain, I give you the gift of Crystal Money.

No, not actual money made from crystals. And not a relative of Eddie Money.

Jeff: I wish we were about to listen to Conrad Bain. I wish Conrad Bain had recorded a Christmas album with the cast of Diff’rent Strokes.

Jason: Do me a favor and load up this website.

Jeff: Oh no!

Jason: Hello, friends! I’m Crystal Money. Merry Christmas!

Jeff: *frantically zooms out* Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Crystal Money?

Wait — does Crystal Money only sing Christmas songs?

Jason: You don’t think I kept that page open long enough to find out, do you? Just shhh and listen.

Crystal Money, “Jingle Bell Rock”

Jason: Clip-clop! Izzat you, Wing-y Claus?

Jeff: I groaned when I heard the sound effects, but now I want them back. Crystal Money sings like she’s afraid of waking up her husband.

Lower the key, Crystal! Lower it!

Jason: She also sings like someone gave her the backing track a quarter tone too sharp.

Jeff: Oooh, did you hear what she did with “feet”? That kind of wasn’t a note.

Jason: Oh hey, Santa!

Jeff: Hey, sound effects! Stick around awhile.

Jason: Jingle Bell! Whoa oh ho! Rock!

“Yeah, baby, I did the guitar solo on Crystal Money’s cover of ‘Jingle Bell Rock’ and…where you goin’, baby?”

Jeff: This poor guitar solo got Lee Shanel-ed in the mix!

Jason: I’ll say this: she sure sounds happy — and if she’s happy, I’m happy for her. That doesn’t mean I’m ever going to listen to this ever again, but I’m happy for her.

Jeff: Jesus, is this really only 2:56 long? For a second I felt like she was adding a verse.

That was one amazingly persuasive argument against internet distribution.

Jason: That was REMARKABLE. Every note was just thiiiiiiiiiis much sharp.

Jeff: But she has a fan site! *I* don’t have a fan site. *You* don’t have a fan site. Clearly, we aren’t doing enough of whatever Crystal Money is doing. You go get a stole and borrow your wife’s lipstick, and let’s see if we can recreate the magic of Crystal’s “Jingle Bell Rock.”

Jason: One step ahead of you, my friend!

Crystal Money

Jason: I love this photo because it’s as if you can hear her saying, “This shit again?”


Jason: I could totally pull off this look. I’m pretty sure your mom has that dress.

Jeff: Finally, Maurice Starr might take you seriously. This is where Mellowmas has been leading us all along, isn’t it?

Jason: Yup. Right into Crystal Money. Which I think is also the name of an adult film.

Jeff: From one type of debasement to the next, my friend. Let’s go see about getting you that Money shot, shall we?

Jason: I wish you could see me right now. I’m giving you the exact same look as the photo above. This shit again, indeed.