Jeff: Jason, how many Mellowmas tracks do you think you remember at this point? I think I might remember maybe five percent.

Jason: Yeah, probably about the same. Every time I forget one, Jeffrey Thames pops out to remind me.

Jeff: Facebook’s “On This Day” function has been barfing them out for me on a regular basis lately. I’d forgotten so, so many.

Like that Rap’n Kidz Bop ripoff!

Jason: Uh….

Let’s see…

Nope, still don’t remember.

Jeff: It’s okay, I can send you the files again.


Jeff: Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that I just recently remembered us covering Menudo at one point. It was very bad, as I recall.

Jason: I remember that one! I think I actually listened to the entire album to find the “best” track.

Jeff: You sad man.

Jason: I was committed!

Jeff: The only thing I remember, other than the music being very much not good, is that Ricky Martin wasn’t in Menudo for the album we covered. What the fuck, Jason?

Jason: You’re right! I remember looking for a familiar face on that cover, and since he’s the only one I know, I was incredibly disappointed.

Jeff: But good news!

Jason: I don’t believe you. I NEVER believe you.

Jeff: At last, I have brought Ricky Martin to Mellowmas.

Jason: Wait, Ricky Martin released a Christmas song?

Jeff: Except he’s Rick Martin now. You know, like how Ricky Schroeder became Rick after Silver Spoons.

Jason: …he is?

Jeff: Here we are, face to face…couple ‘a silver spoons…

Jason: …life is more than mere survival…
…standing tall on the wings of my dreams…
…sha la la la…

Jeff: I can’t believe you crossed the streams!

Jason: It’s all one glorious memory for me. But seriously, I don’t remember Ricky Martin making the change. I guess I’m out of touch.

Jeff: Me too. But here he is! Rick Martin. “At Christmas.”

Jason: Huh. Okay, let me look it up.


Jeff: What’s up, old pal?

Jason: Uh, nothing. I guess it was a while ago that Ricky Martin was like, a “thing.” So maybe I’m just misremembering something.

Jeff: I suppose it was.

Jason: It’s just… well… I don’t remember him being black.


Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: Yeah. But I don’t know, maybe it’s me. It’s probably me.

Jeff: We should probably listen to this just to make sure it isn’t the same Rick Martin.

Jason: Too late to turn back now, really.

Jason: Wait a second. Is that…TR-808 cowbell?

Jeff: And some sort of devil Farfisa patch? And a man who has hit his head?

Jason: What the hell is going on here?

Jeff: What is going on here, Jason, is that anyone who feels like releasing a song can.

Jason: I am seriously sitting here counting, out loud, “1…2…3…4…”

Jeff: Also going on: Crimes against melody and meter.

Jason: I am really, really confused, Jeff. Why would Ricky Martin DO this?

Jeff: There are a number of things about this song that are not good.

Jason: 1) All of it.

Jeff: Do these count as lyrics and/or vocals?

Jason: I think the one thing this song has going for it is that it’s pretty much impossible to get it stuck in your head.

“When I kiss your lips, it puts me in the mood to tell you how to love and all the good things at Christmas”…? Is that what he said?

Jeff: This is the musical equivalent of a shart. I would rather listen to the Shaggs.

Jason: Hold on, Jeff. Rick Martin is about to exchange gifts. He’s going to get under the tree. How is someone going to fit under the tree? That seems so uncomfortable.

Jeff: Oh God, I just remembered how long this song is.

Jason: Then again, Ricky Martin did seem like a flexible kind of guy.

Jeff: Rolex?

Jason: Cartier?

“It turned out to be a really nice day! We went to visit your mom!” Finally, lyrics I can relate to!

Jeff: Jason, why is he talking? Did he forget he’s recording?

Jason: “You happy? I’m happy too.”

Jeff: Please tell me he’s going to keep talking until the song ends.

Jason: “I’m happy for the both of us.”


Jason: “This really turned out to be a wonderful Christmas.”

Jeff: Holy crap, I think he’s really going to do it!

Jason: 45 seconds left!

Jeff: This song is really going to end wth two minutes of talking!

Jason: Nope, he said goodnight! You lose! We all lose!

Jeff: And a 30-second “instrumental” coda! This is amazing. Bonus five seconds of silence! Thank you, Rick Martin!

Jason: There a number of things I don’t understand. First: how was this envisioned. Second: how was this recorded.

Jeff: Rick Martin also does not understand some things, I’m guessing.

Jason: Third: how did you find it. Fourth: WHY WOULD RICKY MARTIN DO THIS.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m checking to see if Rick Martin is on tour with Michael Bubble.

Jason: Wow, you just tied together two distinctly terrible, yet remarkably alike Mellowmas artists. I bow down to you. But man, all I can think is: if only he had stayed in Menudo…

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

View All Articles