Jason: You know, I walked down past my drugstore today, and I realized that Christmas decorations have been in the window for about three months now. Whatever happened to this season, Jeff? I swear I remember a time when Christmas decorations started around Thanksgiving, not the day after Halloween.

Jeff: This is what you’re complaining about this time of year? I had the most wonderful dream last night — I dreamed I was walking down a city street on a gray, rainy February afternoon, and I got splashed with dirty street water by a truck as it drove by. And then I woke up and it was still fucking Mellowmas.

Jason: It’s only the sixth day, to be exact!

Jeff: But I do understand what you’re talking about. It’s easy to feel nostalgic for a simpler, more innocent time during the holiday season. A time like, say, the 1970s.

Jason: Yes. Everything is about cashing in these days.

Jeff: Hey, speaking of cashing in and the 1970s.

Jason: Didn’t we do this yesterday?

Jeff: You seemed to enjoy it so much, I decided we should stay in the decade!

Jason: Haven’t we O’Sullivaned these poor readers enough?

Jeff: The decade when a teen idol could stick his face inside a wreath and girls would swoon!

Jason: Is “wreath” a euphemism?

Jeff: The decade when a man could sing a jaunty pop tune about not getting his girlfriend a goddamn thing for Christmas!

Jason: Oh, you clearly meant an actual wreath. Are we listening to Ron Dante again?

Bobby Sherman, "Christmas Album"

Jeff: Well, it’s sort of a chintzy painting of a wreath. Today we’re listening to former teen sensation Bobby Sherman.

Jason: Bobby Sherman!

Jeff: Bobby Sherman.

Jason: Poor Bobby Sherman! Died on Leap Day this year!

Jeff: Oh, shit! Really? I had no idea. At least we’re talking about someone who’s actually dead this time.

Jason: Oh, wait. Hang on. That was Davy Jones.

Jeff: I was just going to say, didn’t another Mellowmas artist die this year? And then I remembered it was Davy. Poor Monkee Hole, singing in the Mellowmas choir with Dan Fogelberg.

Jason: You know how you know Davy Jones was a dick? It took him dying to get Mike Nesmith to re-join the band. Bring us your worst, Monkees fans! And New Monkees fans!

Jeff: Monkees fans bring “Pool It”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Well, now that we’ve insulted everyone, I guess it’s time for the final insult: Bobby Sherman’s “Love’s What You’re Gettin’ for Christmas.”

Jason: I love this album cover. The bow looks like a grotesque bow tie.

Jeff: It does, doesn’t it? I love everything about the cover, especially the title. It’s all so perfectly descriptive.

Jason: I’d expect that bow tie on The Berry Vest of Bobby Sherman, not this album.

Jeff: It’s like the designer went, “Bobby Sherman, Christmas Album? Fine, fuck you.”

Jason: So what do you think, pal? Are our readers gettin’ love for Christmas?

Jeff: Oh, they’re gettin’ it, all right.

Bobby Sherman, “Love’s What You’re Gettin’ for Christmas” (download)

Jason: Jangly!


Jason: Oh dear god.

Jeff: Yep.

Jason: Now I understand the oversized bow.

Jeff: Bobby Sherman is singing about his dick, and how to get it under your tree Christmas morning.

Jason: Wow, this song is SO MUCH BETTER when you look at it from that perspective.

Jeff: Right? “I didn’t get you anything! Let’s do it.”

Jason: Christmas morning you’ll see!

Dick! From me to you!

Dick! Our whole life through!

Jeff: There’s no Christmas wrappin’ for it!

Jason: “I got a way to send love!”

Jeff: It’s a beautiful present of love wrapped up in him, Jason.

Jason: “A beautiful present of dick wrapped up in me!” Wait, that’s weird.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Dance break! These poor session musicians.

Jeff: Isn’t this great? I love the unapologetic shittiness of it.

Jason: That song was missing a final “Bum!” at the end.

Jeff: The whole thing is Mellowmas terrible.

Jason: I’m just imagining the drummer — it was probably Hal Blaine.

Jeff: Getting triple scale to tap his way through this piece of shit on a hot July afternoon.

Jason: The Dicking Crew.

Jeff: “Hey guys, you’re gettin’ love instead of your usual fee! “It’s wrapped up in meeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Jason: I wonder why Miss Alexis Lee hasn’t covered this. Doesn’t it seem perfect for her?

Jeff: shudder Oh God, now that you mention it. Why? Why did you say that?

Jason: alexis lee dance

About the Author

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Two people, separate rooms Trying to hurt the other Bound together by destiny Is there nothing they won’t do? Will we never see them through?

View All Articles