Posts Tagged ‘Jay-Z’

  
Friday, September 11th, 2009

CD Review: Jay-Z, “The Blueprint 3″

by Jeff Giles

51bTJoTAhbL._SCLZZZZZZZ_[1]“I’m talkin’ ’bout music, I ain’t talkin’ ’bout rap,” spits Jay-Z in the opening moments of The Blueprint 3’s leadoff track, “What We Talkin’ About,” and if you didn’t know any better, you’d be inclined to believe him: it’s a chilly, synth-frosted hip-hop/new new wave summit, boasting production from Kanye West, several snaky minutes’ worth of chest-beating from the man with his name above the title, and vocals on the hook from Empire of the Sun’s Luke Steele. Before it’s over, Jay-Z has done everything from take credit for being “a small part of the reason the President is black” to peeling off guffaw-worthy lines like “Grown men want me to sit ‘em on my lap / But I don’t have a beard, and Santa Claus ain’t black / I repeat, you can’t sit on my lap / I don’t have a beard / Now get off my sack.” Long on wit and short on big, dumb hooks, “What We Talkin’ About” is an auspicious beginning, one that suggests Jay-Z’s recent, much-ballyhooed appearance at a Grizzly Bear concert was just the beginning of a brave new world of eyebrow-raising hip-hop collaborations that actually work.

In the end, it doesn’t really turn out that way, but to its extreme credit, the first half of The Blueprint 3 actually makes you think Jay-Z’s going to pull it off. (more…)

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Monday, August 24th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Donny Osmond

by Rob Smith

So Lev comes over to my place last week—first time he’s been around in a while. We have a few beers and watch Tiger Woods implode, split a calzone from Napoli’s, chat a bit. He gets up to leave and, almost as an afterthought, tells me he has more Uncle Donnie memos in his car. Of course, I get pissed—I would have much rather spent the afternoon reading through Uncle Donnie’s memos than watching golf. Lev probably knew that, but his TV was broken and he really wanted to watch Tiger. Whatever.

This is a recent missive Uncle Donnie sent to one particular toothy Mormon Vegas singer. Methinks there might have been ulterior motives in play, though. -RS

TO: Donny Osmond
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

From one Don to another, Donny, we need to get you out there, in a real way. Twenty years since your last hit is too long. Now, I understand you might not think the public is ready for you to reemerge, but you’re wrong, Donny-Boy. Really wrong.

Right now, this very minute, I could get on the facsimile machine and book you a US tour that would take you from Utah to the Florida panhandle, up to Maine, over to California, and back to Utah again. Seventy, eighty shows. And we could do it all in around six weeks, because we’d be playing in under-utilized performance spaces: abandoned Circuit City storefronts. Not inside the stores, mind you; outside them, on the sidewalk. Guerrilla style, like those Rage Against the Machine guys. Set up, play a half hour—”Puppy Love,” “Sacred Emotion,” “Go Away Little Girl,” “One Bad Apple,” “Love Me for a Reason,” maybe a cover of something current, then “Soldier of Love,” done—then pack up and move on to the next place. We could do three or four a day, depending on the routing. Think about it. People hanging around outside abandoned Circuit City storefronts are hungry for your music, and they don’t even know it. (more…)

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Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for… Jennifer Lopez

by Rob Smith

Wasn’t aware that Uncle Donnie had a hand in the movie business until I found this missive.  Of course, the “properties” he’s pushing probably explain why.  Still, wouldn’t it be cool to see J-Lo play Selena again? —RS

TO: Jennifer Lopez
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

J-Lo! It’s D-Skwatz. How are you, babe? How are the twins? No, not those twins—the babies! Ha! Mitzi sends her best to you and Mark. Speaking of the hubby, last time we saw you two (at Mottola’s rooftop garden party), Mitzi offered to send him one of her crochet hoodies, if he’d send her your mailing address. I told her to just send it to your management, but she’s insistent. So if you get the chance, tell us where you live, or get Marc to give Mitzi a call. The hoody is really cozy in the winter.

Where have you been? I know motherhood takes a lot of work, but did you have to disappear? I know, there’s a red carpet here, an awards show there, but you haven’t been seen, you know, really professionally, in quite a while. Making yourself scarce certainly helps build a bit of mystique around you, but enough is enough. Besides, you’re a mystery like I’m a breakdancer. Boogaloo Skwatzenschitz I ain’t, honey (though I have been known to “bust a move,” as you say, when I hear that sax from “Get Right “).

So it’s time to relaunch J-Lo—you, your career, your brand, everything. The whole nueve yardas. I have a few ideas, as you might guess—I’m an idea guy. Here are mine for you:

  • Get back into movies. I have two really hot properties you’d be perfect for, The first is called The League of Zombie Entertainers. It’s 2025, and thanks to a strange lab experiment, Frank Sinatra, Patsy Cline, Jim Croce, and Selena are reanimated in space and sent back to Earth to fight crime. Their travel is facilitated by Cher, who we all know can move between the living and undead with ease. I’ve got Harry Connick lined up as Ol’ Blue Eyes, Faith Hill as Patsy Cline, Jason Lee as Croce, and you, I’ve got penciled in as Selena, naturally. Better act quickly, though; that little trollop Shakira wants in and my backers are getting antsy. Oh, and I’ve got Ben Affleck signed on to play Cher—that won’t be a problem, will it? The other film is a biopic—Rita Moreno: The Electric Company Years. Needless to say, lots of drugs and nudity. Big Oscar possibilities, though.

    • (more…)

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Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for… Beyoncé

by Rob Smith

For someone who doesn’t know a lot about hip-hop (as we surmised from his memo to the late Tupac Shakur), Uncle Donnie does seem to be well acquainted with certain hip-hop movers and shakers.   Apparently, he’s close enough with Mr. and Mrs. Shawn Carter to score an invite to their “did-they-or-didn’t-they” nuptials last year.  Of course, after receiving this missive, who knows if he’ll be invited back if they ever renew their vows? —RS

TO: Beyoncé Knowles
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career advice

Hey, there, Beyoncé.  It’s been too long, I know.  Mitzi and I really wanted to be at the wedding last year, but the dress she bought for the occasion gave her hives, and she couldn’t recover in time.  We hope you liked the Macy’s gift card.  They had a great deal on table linens recently; we got some very nice vinyl place mats that look like tree branches.  If you’ve got anything left on the card, I highly recommend the place mats.

Anyway, I see that you’re riding high on the charts with I Am … Sasha Fierce, though I’m not sure who Sasha is, and I haven’t trusted the whole alter ego thing since Garth took my advice on the Chris Gaines thing back in ’99.  What’s going on?  I mean, you could be even bigger than you are right now, but I think you could use a little guidance.  Since we’re old pals, I thought I might offer you some advice:

  • Play more inaugurations. The video of you singing “At Last” at that Obama inaugural ball was outstanding—a real moment.  Have you ever been on the TV more often than you were the week after that ball?  I think not.  Imagine how much exponential publicity you could receive if you played more inaugural balls.  I think Iraq is having an election soon. And those eastern European countries are always going to the polls for something.  Your name could become synonymous with democracy, and you’d be in the news almost constantly.  It’d be better than playing Vegas.
  • Make a duet record with Jay-Z. You two are great together.  “Crazy in Love?” Are you kidding?  Mitzi still shakes her rump to that, and even has the rap down cold.  People will pay for more.  In the grand tradition of Allman and Woman, Johnny Cash and His Woman, you and your hubby could do HOVA and His Bitch. It’d be a little like those records Kristofferson did with Rita Coolidge back in the 70s. Remember them? Probably not—that was a bit before your time. But trust the Skwatzenschitz—they were awesome. You could be as big as Rita Coolidge.
  • Make an ass calendar. Gather a dozen photos of your badonkadonk—one for each month of the year—and put them on a calendar for 2010.  You might not even have to put your name on it—you have the most recognizable tookas this side of J-Lo, so people would probably just know it was yours.  You’ll make millions—I guarantee it.
  • Fake your death. What does America love more than a diva?  A dead diva, that’s what.  Think Marilyn Monroe.  True, she didn’t really sing, but she’s an icon.  And she’s dead.  You could be an icon, too.  Collapse onstage in LA, we’ll have you in a cottage up in Mendocino in four hours.  Do it in Miami, and you and Jigga are choppered out to a waiting yacht in minutes.  Get in a plane that is reported disappeared, and you don’t even have to go onstage—we whisk you off to the Alps to live out your days living off all the Beyoncé merch people will absolutely have to have.  Think about it.  It’d really be no work at all to get it done.

All the best,

Don

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