The Seventeenth Day of Mellowmas: The Facts of Mellowmas

Written by Mellowmas, Mellowmas 2012, Music

In which Carly Rae Jepsen and a plastic Ukranian woman remind us of “The Facts of Life”


Jeff: Hey, Jason!


Jeff: I just met you!

And this is crazy!

But now we’re chatting!

Jason: No. Stop that this instant.

Jeff: And it’s Mellowmas, maybe!

And all the other blogs try to chase me!

Jason: Summer called, Jeff.

Jeff: Summer was pre-Mellowmas, so I’m very interested in taking that call. Anyway, are you saying that 2012 was not the year of Carly Rae Jepsen?

Jason: No, you’re right. And I like that song, as much as I don’t want to. I was hoping it would be Charlotte Rae’s year instead, but you know. You take the good, you take the bad…

Jeff: rimshot I can’t argue with “Call Me Maybe,” but I think we both know Carly Rae will never have another hit like it.

Jason: Yeah, you’re right.

Jeff: Still, that hasn’t stopped the Now That’s What I Call… folks from including her on their latest Christmas compilation.

Jason: Those people have another compilation out?

Jeff: They do! And it’s in your inbox.

Jason: JEFF DON’T….aw crap it’s too late.


Jeff: Including holiday songs from such chart-topping artists as OneRepublic and Selena Gomez!

Jason: Oh good! I was hoping for another compilation with “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo/Whatever” from Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

Jeff: Oh look, it even includes Train’s “Shake Up Christmas”! I remember how much you loved that one. Plus a live Lady Gaga Christmas song!

Jason: grits teeth How lucky am I that you sent this to me!

Jeff: This is truly a bountiful Mellowmas for you, my friend! But they saved the Carly-est for first! “Mittens.”

Jason: Please let this be about Romney.

Jeff: I don’t think so. I think it’s a perfectly adorable title for a holiday song from a 28-year-old Canadian pretending to be an All-American teen.

Jason: I’ll defend that to the very end. Though I’m not Canadian, I was playing 16 on stage when I was 30. Um, I mean, “and I am 30.”

Almost 30.

….I have to go.

Jeff: Not so fast, you son of a bitch. First, “Mittens.”

Jason: Second, “No.”

Jeff: Which I am willing to bet includes lyrics about holding hands and falling in love.

Jason: I’m holding fast to my Romney dream. Which, coincidentally, is a phrase I’ve never before uttered.

Jeff: You and everyone else! [cut to scene of empty Romney campaign headquarters]

Jason: [one lone janitor whistling “Call Me, Maybe.”]

Jeff: Well, are you ready to hear what’s inside Carly’s “Mittens”? We have to hurry up and listen, before she evaporates into the tundra. I think her cultural shelf life is already approaching Vanilla Ice levels.

Jason: I hope the song includes the word “lint.” Not enough songs include the word “lint.”

Carly Rae Jepsen, “Mittens” (download)

Jason: That’s a nice opening.

Jeff: Ah, a four-minute holiday song. Good for Carly. Much like Buble, she pronounces everything funny.

I just heard her demand his warmest pair of mittens, which seems kind of selfish.

Also, she’s singing about what happened last Christmas. Which reminds me of something.

Jason: Don’t you even, you assface.

Jeff: snicker This is kind of sweet, I guess. Right?

Jason: It isn’t offensive. It’s just…there.

Jeff: Although she does keep demanding his strongest pair of mittens, which is an unfair test of love.

Jason: She should just buy her own with all that Scooter Braun money.

Jeff: Jesus, at this point, she could probably buy what’s left of all the icebergs in Canada. Hey, it’s an actual bridge! Good for Carly and/or whoever wrote this!

Jason: And they invited an electric guitar to the party! I am enjoying this song more by replacing the word “mittens” with “testes.”

Jeff: Oh, that’s perfect! Now I want to play it again. But first, sadly, I have an even better idea.

Jason: I don’t believe that for a second.

Jeff: You are wise. Jason, it’s like this.

Jason: Those three little words. How do I say this? They make me want to kill you.

Jeff: Wait until you hear the dulcet tones of Aza singing “Hunky Santa”!

Jason: Who? What? Why?

Jeff: Who is Aza, you ask? I will explain.

Jason: I wasn’t really asking. But okay.

Jeff: Shhh. Aza is a Ukranian singer who has filed a lawsuit accusing Carly Rae Jepsen of essentially stealing the entire arrangement for “Call Me Maybe” from Aza’s holiday single, “Hunky Santa.”

So to recap: Ukranian, lawsuit, “Hunky Santa.” Mellowmas.

Jason: Yes, I just saw the article you wrote for PopCrush, which might be run by Michael Bubble. I know what we have to do.

Jeff: Please tell me that it’s something other than “listen to this song.”

Jason: Don’t you start pleading with ME for mercy! This was your stupid idea!

Jeff: This is true, but I thought maybe you’d found a way out.

Jason: I did too, but my wife disconnected the gas line from the oven. She does this every year around this time. Can’t figure out why.

Jeff: That’s Mellowmas love, baby!

Jason: Okay, okay. Let’s just do it.

Jeff: Not coincidentally, this is also what Aza said to Hunky Santa. But you’ll see all that unfold right here:

[youtube id=”w0mIgS2yi3k” width=”600″ height=”350″]

Jason: frowny face

Jeff: Well, I can tell this is going to be perfect.

Jason: How old do we think Aza is? My guess is 40.

Jeff: My guess is she’s the devil. How do I even begin to discuss what’s wrong with this?

Jason: What is lahngeray?


Jason: What are compleeements?

Jeff: Wait, did she just sing about chocolate covered almonds?

Jason: She just said she’d tell us all her secrets.

Jeff: Also, I just noticed the sampled “ho ho ho” that keeps burping up low in the mix.

Jason: I don’t want to know ANY of her secrets.

Jeff: I think her secrets include the contents of the Necronomicon. Oh God! She’s spanking him!

Jason: This is disgusting.

Jeff: He’s biting a bit, Jason! LIKE A HORSE

Jason: Something about a vish being fulfilled?


Jason: That was incredibly gross.

Jeff: Yes, and I guess we should also point out that it sounds nothing at all like “Call Me Maybe.”

Jason: Exactly.

Jeff: shudder

Jason: And I think Aza knows it too. And you know what this means? She’s just as smart as Michael Bubble.

Jeff: Aza: The Michael Bubble of the Ukraine.

Jason: Well, thanks for nothing today.

Jeff: Can we just declare this the low point of Mellowmas 2012? If that video wasn’t as gross as Fred Schneider, it came too close for comfort.

Jason: I’m just sitting here, trying to think about what you’ve contributed to my day. I know now about a plastic Ukrainian woman who rode some braindead model like a horse. And I also now know two Carly Rae Jepsen songs.

Jeff: Now that you put it like that, I feel like I need to apologize. I willn’t, of course, because Mellowmas means never having to say you’re sorry.

Jason: And I also know that Charlotte Rae was nominated for two Tony Awards.

Jeff: THAT’S the information I’m going to cling to tonight.

Jason: Sleep well, pal. Don’t forget that I hate you.

Jeff: Is The Facts of Life on Netflix Instant?

Jason: I don’t care. Go to hell.

Note: No, Mellowmas hasn’t destroyed our ability to count; there are no Days 15 and 16 of Mellowmas this year. Given the events of 12/14/12, we opted to stay silent over the weekend. Don’t worry, there’s enough bad music in store to make up for those two days. Just you wait.