The Seventeenth Day of Mellowmas: The Facts of Mellowmas

mellowmas2010

Jeff: Hey, Jason!

Jason: GO AWAY I’M NOT HOME

Jeff: I just met you!

And this is crazy!

But now we’re chatting!

Jason: No. Stop that this instant.

Jeff: And it’s Mellowmas, maybe!

And all the other blogs try to chase me!

Jason: Summer called, Jeff.

Jeff: Summer was pre-Mellowmas, so I’m very interested in taking that call. Anyway, are you saying that 2012 was not the year of Carly Rae Jepsen?

Jason: No, you’re right. And I like that song, as much as I don’t want to. I was hoping it would be Charlotte Rae’s year instead, but you know. You take the good, you take the bad…

Jeff: rimshot I can’t argue with “Call Me Maybe,” but I think we both know Carly Rae will never have another hit like it.

Jason: Yeah, you’re right.

Jeff: Still, that hasn’t stopped the Now That’s What I Call… folks from including her on their latest Christmas compilation.

Jason: Those people have another compilation out?

Jeff: They do! And it’s in your inbox.

Jason: JEFF DON’T….aw crap it’s too late.

Now

Jeff: Including holiday songs from such chart-topping artists as OneRepublic and Selena Gomez!

Jason: Oh good! I was hoping for another compilation with “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo/Whatever” from Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

Jeff: Oh look, it even includes Train’s “Shake Up Christmas”! I remember how much you loved that one. Plus a live Lady Gaga Christmas song!

Jason: grits teeth How lucky am I that you sent this to me!

Jeff: This is truly a bountiful Mellowmas for you, my friend! But they saved the Carly-est for first! “Mittens.”

Jason: Please let this be about Romney.

Jeff: I don’t think so. I think it’s a perfectly adorable title for a holiday song from a 28-year-old Canadian pretending to be an All-American teen.

Jason: I’ll defend that to the very end. Though I’m not Canadian, I was playing 16 on stage when I was 30. Um, I mean, “and I am 30.”

Almost 30.

….I have to go.

Jeff: Not so fast, you son of a bitch. First, “Mittens.”

Jason: Second, “No.”

Jeff: Which I am willing to bet includes lyrics about holding hands and falling in love.

Jason: I’m holding fast to my Romney dream. Which, coincidentally, is a phrase I’ve never before uttered.

Jeff: You and everyone else! [cut to scene of empty Romney campaign headquarters]

Jason: [one lone janitor whistling “Call Me, Maybe.”]

Jeff: Well, are you ready to hear what’s inside Carly’s “Mittens”? We have to hurry up and listen, before she evaporates into the tundra. I think her cultural shelf life is already approaching Vanilla Ice levels.

Jason: I hope the song includes the word “lint.” Not enough songs include the word “lint.”

Carly Rae Jepsen, “Mittens” (download)

Jason: That’s a nice opening.

Jeff: Ah, a four-minute holiday song. Good for Carly. Much like Buble, she pronounces everything funny.

I just heard her demand his warmest pair of mittens, which seems kind of selfish.

Also, she’s singing about what happened last Christmas. Which reminds me of something.

Jason: Don’t you even, you assface.

Jeff: snicker This is kind of sweet, I guess. Right?

Jason: It isn’t offensive. It’s just…there.

Jeff: Although she does keep demanding his strongest pair of mittens, which is an unfair test of love.

Jason: She should just buy her own with all that Scooter Braun money.

Jeff: Jesus, at this point, she could probably buy what’s left of all the icebergs in Canada. Hey, it’s an actual bridge! Good for Carly and/or whoever wrote this!

Jason: And they invited an electric guitar to the party! I am enjoying this song more by replacing the word “mittens” with “testes.”

Jeff: Oh, that’s perfect! Now I want to play it again. But first, sadly, I have an even better idea.

Jason: I don’t believe that for a second.

Jeff: You are wise. Jason, it’s like this.

Jason: Those three little words. How do I say this? They make me want to kill you.

Jeff: Wait until you hear the dulcet tones of Aza singing “Hunky Santa”!

Jason: Who? What? Why?

Jeff: Who is Aza, you ask? I will explain.

Jason: I wasn’t really asking. But okay.

Jeff: Shhh. Aza is a Ukranian singer who has filed a lawsuit accusing Carly Rae Jepsen of essentially stealing the entire arrangement for “Call Me Maybe” from Aza’s holiday single, “Hunky Santa.”

So to recap: Ukranian, lawsuit, “Hunky Santa.” Mellowmas.

Jason: Yes, I just saw the article you wrote for PopCrush, which might be run by Michael Bubble. I know what we have to do.

Jeff: Please tell me that it’s something other than “listen to this song.”

Jason: Don’t you start pleading with ME for mercy! This was your stupid idea!

Jeff: This is true, but I thought maybe you’d found a way out.

Jason: I did too, but my wife disconnected the gas line from the oven. She does this every year around this time. Can’t figure out why.

Jeff: That’s Mellowmas love, baby!

Jason: Okay, okay. Let’s just do it.

Jeff: Not coincidentally, this is also what Aza said to Hunky Santa. But you’ll see all that unfold right here:

Jason: frowny face

Jeff: Well, I can tell this is going to be perfect.

Jason: How old do we think Aza is? My guess is 40.

Jeff: My guess is she’s the devil. How do I even begin to discuss what’s wrong with this?

Jason: What is lahngeray?

Jeff: WHAT IS ANY OF THIS

Jason: What are compleeements?

Jeff: Wait, did she just sing about chocolate covered almonds?

Jason: She just said she’d tell us all her secrets.

Jeff: Also, I just noticed the sampled “ho ho ho” that keeps burping up low in the mix.

Jason: I don’t want to know ANY of her secrets.

Jeff: I think her secrets include the contents of the Necronomicon. Oh God! She’s spanking him!

Jason: This is disgusting.

Jeff: He’s biting a bit, Jason! LIKE A HORSE

Jason: Something about a vish being fulfilled?

Jeff: NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR SANTA

Jason: That was incredibly gross.

Jeff: Yes, and I guess we should also point out that it sounds nothing at all like “Call Me Maybe.”

Jason: Exactly.

Jeff: shudder

Jason: And I think Aza knows it too. And you know what this means? She’s just as smart as Michael Bubble.

Jeff: Aza: The Michael Bubble of the Ukraine.

Jason: Well, thanks for nothing today.

Jeff: Can we just declare this the low point of Mellowmas 2012? If that video wasn’t as gross as Fred Schneider, it came too close for comfort.

Jason: I’m just sitting here, trying to think about what you’ve contributed to my day. I know now about a plastic Ukrainian woman who rode some braindead model like a horse. And I also now know two Carly Rae Jepsen songs.

Jeff: Now that you put it like that, I feel like I need to apologize. I willn’t, of course, because Mellowmas means never having to say you’re sorry.

Jason: And I also know that Charlotte Rae was nominated for two Tony Awards.

Jeff: THAT’S the information I’m going to cling to tonight.

Jason: Sleep well, pal. Don’t forget that I hate you.

Jeff: Is The Facts of Life on Netflix Instant?

Jason: I don’t care. Go to hell.

Note: No, Mellowmas hasn’t destroyed our ability to count; there are no Days 15 and 16 of Mellowmas this year. Given the events of 12/14/12, we opted to stay silent over the weekend. Don’t worry, there’s enough bad music in store to make up for those two days. Just you wait.

Jeff Giles and Jason Hare
Two people, separate rooms
Trying to hurt the other
Bound together by destiny
Is there nothing they won’t do?
Will we never see them through?