Author Archive
Monday, July 12th, 2010 by Robert Cass
Yesterday morning I decided to take a leisurely bike ride along Whiskey River, the main waterway that runs through Bootleg City. (Technically, the river is one-tenth 110-proof moonshine because of a leak from Matthew Boles’s riverside “brewery” that has yet to be capped.) But it turned out to be anything but leisurely because of all the heathens cutting me off on the bike path. Do you people really think God can’t see you if you ride fast enough? Your spandex shorts are already so tight we can all tell what religion you are, so fat chance covering your tracks!
If you’re wondering why I wasn’t in church yesterday morning, the answer is simple — I’m bad.
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Tags: Apple, Jan Brewer, Jeffrey Zaslow, Jesse James, Kwame Kilpatrick, Lindsay Lohan, Lloyd Blankfein, Mel Gibson, Michael Bloomberg, Michael Jackson, Richard M. Daley, Roman Polanski, Sheryl Crow, Steve Jobs, Tony Hayward, Wall Street Journal
Posted in Bootleg City, Music | View Comments
Wednesday, June 30th, 2010 by Robert Cass
On Tuesday CNN’s Larry King announced that he’ll end his 25-year-old talk show this fall, having been beaten consistently in the ratings the past year by his 9 PM cable-news competitors, Fox News’s Sean Hannity and MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. King’s announcement came eight days after he hosted a telethon edition of Larry King Live with guests Cameron Diaz, Robert Redford, and Sting — no, not to raise funds for the alimony he owes his half-dozen ex-wives, but to aid victims of another disaster, the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
He’s not the only King lending a hand in the Gulf. Earlier in June, the self-proclaimed King of the World, Titanic director James Cameron, who’s considered an expert on underwater filming technology, held a meeting with other deep-sea experts and the Environmental Protection Agency to discuss the oil spill. A week later, actor-environmentalist Kevin Costner testified before Congress about machines his scientist brother has developed that can separate oil from polluted water; the Waterworld star has invested $24 million of his own money in the technology. There’s also D-list actor and born-again Christian Stephen Baldwin, who’s making a documentary about the spill tentatively titled “The Will to Drill,” and the band Korn has joined forces with Creed and the Backstreet Boys and agreed not to buy BP fuel while on tour this year.
That’s all well and good, but do these fuel-boycotting fossils from the late ’90s realize that concertgoers made a silent agreement to boycott their tours almost a decade ago? As for Cameron, his meeting with the EPA quickly turned into the most expensive meeting of all time — granted, the Avatar director’s PowerPoint presentation was hailed as “a riveting 3-D display of words, arrows, and rectangles” — and Costner later revealed that he’s sunk an additional $24 million of his money into more movies in which he’ll play washed-up former athletes.
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Tags: Amanda Seyfried, BP, Bruce Springsteen, Cameron Diaz, Chris Brown, Dick Cheney, Gulf of Mexico, James Cameron, Joe Barton, Kevin Costner, Lady GaGa, Larry King, Michael Bay, Shia LaBeouf, The Tin Man, Tony Hayward, Warren Beatty
Posted in Current Events, Sugar Water | View Comments
Friday, June 25th, 2010 by Robert CassIn addition to letting perennial electoral bridesmaid Matt Wardlaw write a chapter of my autobiography in exchange for bailing me out of an Arizona jail, I had to agree to give him “equal time” in this online forum. But it is my forum, so right away Mr. Wardlaw’s equal time was split up equally between the two of us …
Matt: It was a dark and early morning on the streets of Bootleg City as I left my house to bail Mayor Cass out of jail. It seems that he had been caught once again with his hand—
The Mayor: “A dark and early morning”? Oh, c’mon, you can do better than that. Look, I’m sorry to interrupt right away, but you need better clichés. Try again.
Matt: I can’t heeeeear youuuu! It seems that Cass, while vacationing in Arizona, got his hand caught in the cookie jar, something we’re used to here in Bootleg City. The Arizona police force were none too pleased with the actions of Mr. Mayor, so I found myself on a plane headed for the Grand Canyon State, ready to dig him out of yet another hole.
The Mayor: How was my hand in the cookie jar, Matthew? Was I caught stealing? No. I was caught eating. But not cookies. Let me make that clear — no cookies were harmed in the making of this trip. I went to Arizona to see London Bridge. It was rumored to be falling down, so I wanted to see it before it crumbled — much like a cookie, I suppose, but again, there were no cookies on this trip.
Matt: Cass, this is my chance to speak, not yours. “Cookie jar” is a figure of speech, though you have gotten your hand caught in other things. Speaking of which, do you want to explain what you were doing with the wife of the state treasurer of Arizona? The state treasurer would certainly like an answer to that question.
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Tags: Billy Joel, Captain Lou Albano, Cyndi Lauper, Jan Brewer, Matt Wardlaw, Michael Jackson, Mick Hucknall, Simply Red, The Jacksons
Posted in Bootleg City, Music | View Comments
Friday, June 18th, 2010 by Robert CassI’d like to start off by apologizing for my absence last week. After deciding to boycott all things Arizona from Bootleg City, I realized I’d never seen the old London Bridge, which is located, naturally, in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. (Since it’s not from the United States, does that mean it’s going to be deported?)
I made travel arrangements so I’d be back by Friday, but shortly after crossing the border, I stopped at an all-night Del Taco for a midnight snack, where I was promptly arrested by local police for suspicion of being Mexican. I argued that no self-respecting citizen of that country would be caught dead eating at Del Taco — its cuisine barely qualifies as Mexican, much less as food — but the cops weren’t buying it.
I was allowed one phone call in jail, so I dialed the one person who I knew would take my call — my nemesis, Matt Wardlaw. Since he’s always looking for an argument, he never lets his phone go straight to voice-mail, unlike all of my friends, family members, underlings in the mayor’s office, ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, potential ex-girlfriends, potential ex-wives, reporters, fellow mayors, religious leaders, wholesale beer and wine distributors, Salma Hayek, etc.
In exchange for bailing me out, I agreed to let Matt write a chapter of my upcoming autobiography in which “I” confess that I’ve been waxing my head every month since 2007 so I can look more like him. It was a hard pill to swallow — though preferable to some of the other things I was invited to swallow in that holding cell — but I had to get back to Bootleg City.
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Tags: Del Taco, Patty Griffin, Scott Miller, the other Scott Miller
Posted in Bootleg City, Music | View Comments
Friday, June 4th, 2010 by Robert CassOn April 23 Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed into law the state’s controversial immigration bill, which aims “to identify, prosecute and deport illegal immigrants,” according to the New York Times, and gives police the right to question anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. It’s safe to assume that Brewer, in spite of her surname, isn’t a fan of Mexican beer.
Well, guess what? I’m not a fan of Arizona! That’s why I’m taking the lead of other municipal leaders across this great nation and issuing a Bootleg City boycott against all things Arizona. Here’s a partial list of what’s being banned:
• Arizona Iced Tea;
• Arizona Cardinals football jerseys;
• Arizona Diamondbacks baseball caps;
• actual cardinals and diamondbacks that look or sound suspiciously like Arizona natives (don’t be afraid to ask for identification);
• Arizona-transplanted Native Americans who leave a trail of tears wherever they go — I REFUSE TO CLEAN UP YOUR SOGGY MESS!
• boring stories about how you visited the Grand Canyon and it was the most amazing thing you ever blah blah blah;
• the ghost of Arizona senator John McCain (actually, the ghost of the guy who ran for president in 2000 isn’t so bad, but the guy who ran in ’08 — oh, brother …);
• senior citizens, unless they’ve got candy and pharmaceuticals they’re willing to share;
• former Arizona governor and current Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano;
• Concrete Blonde frontwoman Johnette Napolitano, because you can never be too vigilant when it comes to Napolitanos;
• the song “By the Time I Get to Phoenix,” which might as well contain the subtitle “It’ll Be Blindingly White”;
• the band Phoenix — they’re French, not Mexican, but if you miss the days of “freedom fries,” you’ll appreciate this “throwback” gesture;
• sand (it really does get everywhere);
• sunlight.
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Tags: Arizona, David Ragland, Jan Brewer, Patty Griffin
Posted in Bootleg City, Music | View Comments
Monday, May 31st, 2010 by Robert CassThe Bootleg City teacher’s union went on strike this week, delaying the production of this week’s mayoral update. Or is it “teachers’ union?” Or just “teachers union” without any of those…. what do you call those things? Levitating commas?
I need help here.! Without any teachers to teach my unpaid child laborers spelling and punctuation, their already becoming less and less affective at transcribing these updates. If this strike continues, I maybe forced to hire a secretary who won’t do the job for free. She’ll probably want health benefits too, and she’ll say things like “I’m a man. Men can be secretaries too, although we prefer the term ‘executive assistant’. In any case, please stop referring to me as a ‘she’”.
I can’t let that happen. But I can’t cave in to the unions demands, either. Get this — Bootleg City’s teachers claim they’re classrooms will be ‘overcrowded’ if they have to teach 37 kids at a time. They say that with classes that size, they’ll only be able to devote an average of 1.22 minutes of personal attention to each student. Sorry teachers, but the last time I checked, your lucky if you can keep a child’s attention for more than 30 seconds without the aid of Miley Cyrus or a set of shiny keys, so 1.22 minutes should be plenty.
I offered to let the teachers use tranquilizer darts to control any unruley students who waste class time, but they got angry when I told them they’d have to buy the darts themselves, just like any other supplies they need for their class rooms. One even rushed the cafetorium stage to give me a peace of her mind, but I was fine with that because it gave me the chance to demonstrate how fast acting the darts really are.
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Tags: Crowded House, Some Children Are Inevitably Going to Be Left Behind
Posted in Bootleg City, Music | View Comments
Wednesday, May 19th, 2010 by Robert CassIn 1987 Cannon Films, the studio that became (in)famous for churning out low-budget genre fare like The Delta Force and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, couldn’t convince audiences that the Sylvester Stallone arm-wrestling epic Over the Top was the next Rocky. The film was thrashed at the box office, and arm wrestling remained a pastime whose international exposure was confined to ABC’s Wide World of Sports.
The 2009 documentary Pulling John, now available on DVD, provides an engrossing look at the sport, whose world championships are held in hotel conference rooms and whose most successful competitor, John Brzenk, earns his living as an airline mechanic so he can fly for free to tournaments, where he earns roughly $15,000 a year doing what he loves. Brzenk may be “the Michael Jordan of arm wrestling,” but there aren’t any multimillion-dollar Nike endorsements in his past, present, or future. Guys like him can’t even get face time on a Wheaties box.
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Tags: Alexey Voevoda, John Brzenk, Sevan Mattossian, Travis Bagent, Vassiliki Khonsari
Posted in DVD Reviews, Film | View Comments
Friday, May 14th, 2010 by Robert Cass
Earlier this week I took a group of underprivileged kids to see the first big blockbuster of the summer movie season, Iron Man 2. Or at least they sounded underprivileged — when I pulled into the Come-N-Go to fill up my tank, they asked if I’d buy them some beer.
I of course was smart enough to know that their request was nothing more than a cry for help and computer-generated movie magic, so with the promise of free overpriced candy at the theater, I enticed the kids into my windowless van and we were off. Besides, I’m bound to be sentenced to community service one of these days, so I figured my good deed was likely to be looked upon favorably by a judge as “time served.”
The kids had a great time at Iron Man 2 and showed their appreciation for Jon Favreau’s sequel by throwing the contents of half-pound bags of M&M’s at moviegoers who didn’t share their enthusiasm. Two of them had fun reenacting the big kiss between Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) a full 90 minutes before it took place in the movie, adding some R-rated pelvic thrusts for good measure, while the youngest in the group, 14-year-old Cyrus, downloaded a pirated copy of Iron Man 2 onto his phone and watched it from there. One moviegoer politely asked him to “turn that [four expletives deleted] thing off,” but Cyrus couldn’t hear him over the movie’s AC/DC-stuffed soundtrack album, which he’d also illegally downloaded and decided was a good replacement for the film’s dialogue.
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Tags: 311, Alien Ant Farm, Coldplay, Dashboard Confessional, Default, Good Charlotte, Hoobastank, Jimmy Eat World, Jon Favreau, Justin Theroux, marvel studios, Mickey Rourke, Pete Yorn, Phantom Planet, Puddle of Mudd, robert downey jr., Starsailor, Stone Temple Pilots, Sum 41, The Goo Goo Dolls, Unwritten Law, Y100
Posted in Bootleg City, Music | View Comments
Friday, May 7th, 2010 by Robert CassLast week I mentioned that my mom took me to see Chicago in West Germany in 1977 with Matt Wardlaw and his older sister— I mean, his mother. Yes, of course … his mother.
But Mama Cass did much more than take me to soft-rock concerts in a country where the phrase “crippling national identity crisis” is just another way of saying “We’re number one!” She also taught me the difference between right and wrong, and how promising to fight for what’s right can get you elected to office, at which point you stop promising and start apologizing for everything that’s about to go wrong.
If it weren’t for Mama Cass’s decades of love and support and blackjack earnings (even when I was a toddler, she only frequented casinos where 24-hour day care was available), I never would’ve been able to afford all those negative attack ads that helped me crush my opponents in the 2005 mayoral race. And if it weren’t for Mama Cass’s love and support of blackjack, Bootleg City would’ve given up after several attempts to legalize riverboat gambling and wouldn’t have become the first city in the nation — nay, the world! — to legalize paddle-boat gambling.
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Tags: Barry Gibb, Bee Gees, Colin Petersen, Mama Cass, Maurice Gibb, Robin Gibb, Vince Melouney
Posted in Bootleg City, Music | View Comments
On May 12 the American Civil Liberties Union filed two free-speech lawsuits in Scranton, Pennsylvania, defending citizens who were charged with using profanity by local police. Seven days later CBS announced its fall schedule, which includes the 