Mellowmas 
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Thursday, December 25th, 2008

The Twenty-Fifth Day of Mellowmas: Wingmas!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Jason: Jeff, are you awake?

Jeff: Ah, Mellowmas morn!

Jason: Is it…is it…is it here? I’m a little groggy.

Jeff: I put a little something extra in your eggnog last night.

Can you smell the holiday spirit in the air?

Jason: I can’t smell anything. My nose is all stuffed. I think Smash Mouth gave me a cold. I think I fell asleep around 4 or 5 AM, but only for about 10 minutes. Suddenly, I heard Steve Harwell yelling.

Jeff: That may have been your mom.

Jason: He was all “IZZAT YOU SANNA CLAUS???” and I think I accidentally wet the bed.

Jeff: Hey, look! The fortune cookies you left out are gone!

Jason: They….they are?

Jeff: There’s a note on the table!

Jason: There….there is?

Jeff: Let’s see what it says.

Jason: Read it to me. My eyes are all sleepy. It’s so sleepy in here.

Jeff: “Dear Jaseff & Jon,

Thank for cookies. Please enjoy my musicas.”

“Love,

Wing”

Jason: gasp

Jeff: gasp

Jason: OH NO! Not….not Wing!

Jeff: claps

Jason: Oh NO!

Jeff: Wing is Santa Mellow!

Jason: This is the worst Mellowmas Day EVER! This is worse than Starland Vocal Band! This is worse than “Wonderful Christmastime“!

Jeff: It’s the most perfectly logical conclusion to Mellowmas! What, I ask you, is more Mellowmas than Wing?

Jason: You know what? You’re right. I don’t want you to be right. But you’re right. It’s true. Earnest + shit = Mellowmas.

Jeff: Oh, I’m so excited. I wonder which timeless carols Wing performs on her holiday album, Everyone Sings Carols with Wing. Hmmm…let’s see…”Ca Si Na Mu”?

Jason: “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”!

Jeff: “Sheung Hai Tan II”?

Jason: “(Chinese Version).” Which is a relief, because the Korean version really weirds me out.

Jeff: “O Mio Babbino Caro”?

Jason: Wait, wait, wait. “Vision of Love”?

Jeff: That can’t be the Mariah Carey song. Can it?

Jason: “When You Believe”? That would be TWO Mariah Carey songs, Jeff.

Jeff: Which is perfect. Seeing as how Mariah Carey has actually recorded a Christmas album. And Wing could have done a song or two from that. Maybe these are different songs titled “Vision of Love” and “When You Believe.”

Jason: Hold on. I’m on the phone with the airline, booking my ticket to Sarajevo.

Jeff: Make sure they don’t seat you next to Bolton. I hear he snores.

Jason: I would take Bolton snoring in my ear over Wing singing Christmas carols.

Jeff: Fortunately, you don’t have a choice in the matter. Where should we begin? I’m so excited, I can’t pick.

Jason: Sigh

I can’t believe this. This is the way Mellowmas ends?

Okay, fine. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” (download).

Jeff: “(To Kick Wing’s Ass).”

Jason: Hey, those horns sound real.

Jeff: Nice backing!

Jason: UGH!

Jeff: Oh no!

Jason: ACK!

Jeff: Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing

Jason: Did you hear the “Why?” in the background? That was me, yelling “WHY, WING? WHY!??!”

Jeff: I want you to know, it’s taking everything I have to type right now. I’m laughing so hard I can barely see. I’d love to know how this was recorded.

Jason: Oh, I think it’s obvious.

Jeff: Were those backing vocalists in the studio with Wing? Were they real?

Jason: Oh, hell no. Wing’s producer goes out and spends $5.99 on a karaoke track. $6.41 with tax.

Jeff: He sees when you are sleeping! He knows if you been back or good! I’m dancing in my chair.

Jason: Can you imagine what the karaoke backing singers would think if they heard this?

Jeff: Oh, I wish I could be there to see that.

Jason: Had they known, they might have demanded more money. I mean, the difference between the two styles is just hysterical.

Jeff: I keep hoping Wing will record an album with live musicians. Big finish! Wow!

Jason: Ooh, she’s holding out that last note! She nailed it!

Jeff: Wing’s got some lungs on her!

Jason: She nailed in that way that only Wing can nail it!

Jeff: With a fucking nail gun, right through the cerebral cortex!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Ba-DOW!

Jason: I’m starting to perk up a little.

Jeff: See?

Jason: Hang on, let me get some eggnog from my fridge. I need something to help me swallow this Percocet.

Jeff: Now you’re getting into it.

Jason: Shall we listen to another?

Jeff: Oh, let’s.

Jason: “Jingle Bells” (download)?

Jeff: I’d love to.

Jason: Okay!

Jeff: Oooh!

Jason: More real horns!

Jeff: Uptempo!

Jason: Another $6.41!

Jeff: Over sheels we go!

Jason: Laughing all the weeeey!

Jeff: Oh my God, I love this so much.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Listen to how she punches “Bells!” She’s fucking serious about jingle bells!

Jeff: Satan by my side?

Jason: And soon Miss Fencing Bright?

Jeff: I completely lost track of what she was saying back there.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is AWESOME!

Jeff: I don’t care. I’m just going with the flow.

Jason: Yeah, me too. I’m grooving a little in my chair now.

Jeff: She sounds out of breath. I wonder if her asshole producer sped up the track just to mess with Wing.

Jason: My cats are trying to flush themselves down the toilet.

Jeff: Another big finish!

Jason: What? Only 1:47? NO! Noooooo!

Jeff: Whatever. I have it on a loop.

Jason: I can’t believe what I’m saying, but that wasn’t enough.

Jeff: I’m dashing froo the snow again. Did she say “sing a snake song tonight”?

Jason: She might have! It’s Wing!

I love this. Another! Another!

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: Just not “Ca Si Na Mu,” because iTunes says it’s 6:02.

Jeff: How about “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” (download)?

Jason: Okay, THOSE are synths.

Jeff: Is that David Foster on the keys?

Jason: It came upon a mit! night clear!

Jeff: So. Much. Wing. This could be none more Wing. She has Winged to 11.

Jason: I told you back during Earmageddon: I kind of love this stuff now.

Jeff: Piss on the Earth?

Jason: Hey, man. It’s Wing’s world. We just live in it.

Jeff: This sort of reminds me of going to church when I was younger.

Jason: Yeah?

Jeff: Although if Wing had been a member of my church, I’d still be there. Like, living there. Just hoping to catch a glimpse of her Wingness.

Jason: In the church.

Jeff: Yeah. Hey, do you think she does more than one take of these songs? Because I hope she does.

Jason: Why?

Jeff: Because it would just complete the effect for me. You know, the artist, laboring over her craft. The producer, painstakingly stitching together different vocal takes. The mixer, downing a fifth of bourbon.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! It’s too bad this wasn’t done in the ’80s. I’m imagining the producer with a razor blade.

Jeff: Oh, that would be great.

Jason: Trying to decide whether to cut the track or his wrist.

Jeff: Ha ha ha! I’m imagining the poor fucker who had to master this and laughing my ass off.

Jason: You know, maybe it’s that I’m used to Wing, but I definitely don’t consider this the worst thing of the Mellowmas season.

Jeff: Nor do I. In fact, I want to listen to this all day. Maybe if I listen to it enough times, I’ll be able to understand the lyrics.

Jason: Oh, I doubt it.

Jeff: Do fro alovin ass in fry

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Ag bah in free a bah say mah

Jason: You sound like Michael McDonald on the bayou!

Jeff: I remember that Michael McDonald song. It’s great, but not as great as this.

Jason: How much would you love to hear a duet between Wing and the Singing Saw?

Jeff: How could you tell them apart? I think the Saw might have better diction.

Jason: By the way, at my Acoustic ’80s gig last week, we’re playing “Last Christmas” by Wham!, and I hear someone in the audience yell, “Where’s the singing saw?” It was Jon Cummings.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! You WERE supposed to learn how to play it.

Jason: And it made me happy. Not because he was heckling, but because it meant that he had really listened to the Singing Saw. I think that may be the worst of Mellowmas 2008.

Jeff: I may have to agree, although I still say the fucking Archies were pretty painful. And I’m having a hard time deciding whether Shelley Duvall or the Germans were scarier.

Jason: You’re being such a baby about the Archies.

Jeff: Horrible. Just horrible.

Jason: I vote for Singing Saw or Duvall for the worst of Mellowmas ‘08.

Jeff: The best, of course, was Mr. Alan O’Day.

Jason: Oh, of course. I mean, not that it’s saying much, considering everything else, but Alan O’Day is my hero. An artist with a fantastic creative mind and a sharp sense of humor.

Jeff: He’s won the everlasting devotion of our entire staff. Especially Terje “Curtis Armstrong” Fjelde.

Jason: Yes. Everyone knows Terje, of course. Terje has lovingly devoted himself, as you all know, to nothing but David Foster’s music.

Jeff: And he still talks to us!

Jason: But some of you may not know that Terje is so goddamn obsessed with David Foster that he actually can compose and record in the David Foster style.

Jeff: Terje’s first Foster pastiche, “Baseball in the Backyard,” is one of my favorite tracks of 2008, even though he recorded it in 1997.

Jason: I agree. Mine, too. So when Terje heard Alan’s masterpiece, “Have a Very Mellowmas (Theme From Mellowmas),” he was…inspired.

So it seems fitting to close this year’s Mellowmas season with Terje’s re-interpretation of Alan’s creation. Alan has heard this, by the way.

Jeff: More fitting than Wing?

Jason: You know what he said? “Terje, you’ve produced a masterpiece from a demo of emotional nothingness. I shudder to think what you would do if you were given a decent song to work with!”

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: This is why I love Alan O’Day.

Jeff: One of many reasons, yes. If any of you haven’t bought Alan’s latest album yet…well, I don’t know what to say to you. Other than BUY ALAN O’DAY’S LATEST ALBUM RIGHT NOW.

Jason: Well, this seems to be the end, huh?

Jeff: It’s been a long road to Mellowmas.

Jason: We’ve been through so much this year. I’m exhausted.

Jeff: Parting with this season is always such sweet sorrow.

Jason: Maybe for you! I think our readers will be happy to get back to regular Popdose coverage.

Jeff: Yes, and I’m sure they’ll enjoy meeting all our new columnists and reading all our new features. And seeing the site’s new design.

But still…

Mellowmas…

sniff

Jason: Yes, We thank you all for making it through The 25 Days of Mellowmas, for sure. Give me a hug, buddy. Happy Mellowmas, my friend.

Jeff: And a very Happy Mellowmas to you. Shall we cue up the love theme of the season?

Jason: Hey…did you just fart? Dude! Not cool to fart while we’re hugging!

Jeff: That was the hidden bonus track on the Wing album, I think.

Jason: Enjoy “Love Theme From Mellowmas” (download). Share it with the ones you love, if they’re still with you after listening to everything else from this season.

Jeff: We’ll meet you back here on January 1.

Jason: Happy Mellowmas to all!

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Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

The Twenty-Fourth Day of Mellowmas: Mellowmas Eve

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Smash Mouth – Zat You, Santa Claus? (download)


From The Gift of Rock Amazon

Jason: Oh, no. Who asked for this?

Jeff: Izzat you, Sanna Claus?

Jason: Who asked Smash Mouth to make a Christmas album?
Who told them “you know what we need from you, douches? A Christmas album”?

Jeff: It’s good to know, in a way, that Steve Harwell hasn’t developed any actual talent since Smash Mouth stopped releasing hits. If he was actually a singer now, I might feel bad for him. Hearing this, I can relax comfortably back into my hatred for this horrible band.

Jason: Smash Mouth had a great moment with “All Star.” I actually like that song and will defend it. But everything else?

Jeff: I think you probably just liked “Shrek” and you’re confusing the two. IZZAT YOOOOOOOOOU, SANNA CLAUS???

Fucking hell.

Jason: Santa Claus is calling the Witness Relocation Program.

Jeff: Just listen to these…these “vocals.”

Jason: I don’t want to.

Jeff: I mean, I understand that this song isn’t meant to be taken seriously, but still.

Jason: But I’ve figured out that if you remove the right earphone, you don’t have to listen to the keyboard “solo.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

What would a Smash Mouth song be without Farfisa?

Jason: …a slightly more tolerable Smash Mouth song?

Jeff: Why haven’t these guys fired him? I bet they could get the Spin Doctors’ singer for a nice price.

Jason: Name one other guy in Smash Mouth.

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: You can’t. THAT’S why they haven’t fired him.

Jason: Do you think Steve Harwell gets up and calls “EXTRA” every morning to see if Mark McGrath has called in sick?

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You know, I think McGrath quit that gig, but it doesn’t matter. Harwell has a face for radio. And a voice for…I don’t know.

Jason: The last time I heard anything about Steve Harwell, it was when he was on a season of The Surreal Life.

Jeff: Steve Harwell was on The Surreal Life? I had no idea.

Jason: Yeah. I’m ashamed to say it’s the one reality show I watched pretty faithfully. The best — and by “best,” you know what I mean — part of the show was when they filmed a Smash Mouth video.

Jeff: No.

Jason: Yes. The song was awful.

Jeff: Did they do a Surreal Life remix of “All Star”?

Hey now! You’re a has been!

Jason: All I remember was that Tawny Kitaen was in it, and looking at her made me actually wish Steve Harwell would come back on camera.

Jeff: “The Smash Mouth community was surprised when drummer Michael Urbano left the band without warning on February 14, 2006 due to creative differences.”

The DRUMMER had CREATIVE DIFFERENCES.

Jason: Wait, wait, wait! “In July 2008, Greg Camp left the band to focus on his other music projects and has been replaced by Leroy. Despite losing their main songwriter, the band is currently back in the recording studio, and according to Smash Mouth’s MySpace blog, a new album will be out sometime in early 2009.

“Harwell is currently working on a solo country album.”

Re-read that last line.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: HARWELL IS CURRENTLY WORKING ON A SOLO COUNTRY ALBUM.

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha

Jason: What did country music ever do to you, Steve? Why do you have to punish it?

Jeff: He’s Bret Michaels, if Bret Michaels ate another person.

Jason: Steve called up Darius Rucker drunk at 3 AM and was like, “Lemme get some o’ dat shit.” Look, I could totally see Jewel, Hootie, even Jessica Simpson going towards country. But who needs the voice of Steve Harwell in this genre?

Jeff: Is there a genre suited to Steve Harwell’s voice?

Jason: Touché!

Jeff: I was hoping he had a MySpace page where he’d be streaming demos from his country album, but no dice.

Jason: Well, listen. At least this track was only slightly over two minutes. And I’m not listening to the whole album. I’ve been through too much this Mellowmas season. I just can’t take it.

Jeff: Mellowmas has taken a lot out of you this year.

Jason: Maybe if I hadn’t gotten through every track on Archie’s Christmas Party Featuring Betty and Veronica.

Jeff: I’ve never seen your Mellowmas spirit so low.

Jason: I’m trying, man. We have one more day to go.

The big day.

Tomorrow.

Jeff: I listened to that album twice. It didn’t impact my Mellowmas joy, but it did help me invent some new swear words.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Motherdante! Sonofabetty!

Jason: I think I’m just going to go nestle myself safe in my bed. Leave some spoiled milk and gluten-free cookies out for Santa.

Jeff: You can only hide so long. Before you know it, it’ll be Mellowmas morn.

Jason: Not if I take enough Ambien. If I take the correct dosage appropriate for a full 24 days of Mellowmas, I might be able to sleep until St. Patrick’s Day.

Jeff: And when you hear that rustling sound in the chimney, and you raise your head and ask “IZZAT YOU SANNA CLAUS???”

…It won’t be Sanna Claus.

Jason: Who? Who will it be? Ron Dante? Judy Collins? Your mom?

Jeff: Better than all of them put together! I can hardly wait!

Jason: I guess I’ll have to come back tomorrow and see. Goddammit.

Jeff: I’ll give you a hint.

Jason: No, no hints. I won’t be able to sleep tonight.

Jeff: Just one.

Jason: Ugh. Fine.

Jeff: Those cookies you’re leaving out? Make them fortune cookies.

Jason: OH NO. I HATE YOU.

Jeff: Shhhhhhhh.

Jason: I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.

Jeff: Good night, little buddy. Sleep tight.

Jason: I have the shakes. How am I going to sleep now? Happy Mellowmas Eve to all. Hopefully Jeff’s hint hasn’t ruined your evening the way it’s ruined mine.

Jeff: I can send you the rest of the Smash Mouth Christmas album.

Jason: That’s not going to help, you asshole. That only makes it worse.

Jeff: Hey, maybe we should take a moment to recommend your favorite holiday album of the year. Like, for realsies and stuff.

Jason: Like, my serious favorite holiday album? Really?

Jeff: Really.

Jason: We can recommend something good during Mellowmas?

Jeff: We can take a moment away from all the pain and suffering, can’t we?

Jason: Okay. Although I think technically it came out in 2007, you should all go and download Over The Rhine’s Snow Angels right now.

Jeff: I plan on doing that today. Should we feature a track?

Jason: !!!! We can do that?

Jeff: Sure we can. Can’t you feel the excitement? I’m getting your strength up for tomorrow.

Jason: Okay. Everybody, enjoy “Darlin’ (Christmas is Coming)” (download), one of my favorite tracks of this season.

And how about you, Jeff? Do you have a favorite holiday track this year? Is it “Archie’s Christmas Party”?

Jeff: Don’t make me hit you.

Jason: Come on! Archie’s Christmas Party! clap clap!

Jeff: Now I REALLY can’t wait for tomorrow.

Jason: Do you have anything you want to share with everyone? And by “everyone,” I mean “the three people that made it through all 24 days so far”?

Jeff: You know, I actually did like Mary Chapin Carpenter’s holiday album. Did I send it to you?

Jason: No! You didn’t!

Jeff: Huh. I must have gotten too caught up in the Mellowmas…magic.

Jason: Let me get this straight. You sent me all of Barry Manilow. All of Peter, Paul & Mary. All of Al Jarreau. All of Spyro Gyra. ALL OF SHELLEY FUCKING DUVALL.

Jeff: It’s true, I did send you all that. I’m not sure how I forgot to send you the Mary Chapin Carpenter. I’ll make it up to you now, though. Have a listen to “Come Darkness, Come Light” (download).

Jason: Okay, everybody. Enjoy these two tracks — the antidote to Mellowmas, if you will — and we’ll see you tomorrow morning. Bright and early.

Well, maybe not so bright. But early. Because I know I’m not getting any sleep tonight.

Dread has entered my life.

Jeff: Hee hee hee! Sreigh bells ring! Are you ristening?

Jason: Blood in all the streets. Running like a flood. There’s nowhere to hide, nowhere I can go. I reach out my hand, touching death itself.

Jeff: That isn’t death!

Jason: Just a holy day on Popdose.

Jeff: It’s…

Jason: Goodnight, everybody!

Jeff: See you soon!

Jason: Too soon!

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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008

The Twenty-Third Day of Mellowmas: Liberace and the Christmas Vest

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Liberace – Beauty of Holiness (download)

From ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: Funny. This doesn’t SOUND gay.

Jeff: It sounds like it was ripped from the vinyl.

Jason: Oh wait, now it does.

Jeff: Oh boy. What’s going on here?

Jason: I have no idea. I think Liberace is getting blown under the table during Christmas dinner.

Jeff: Is he wearing that coat while it’s happening?

Jason: Seriously, I don’t even know what he’s talking about. What is he talking about?

Jeff: I don’t know, but I think I love this song.

Jason: Holy the night. The winter winds are clean.

Jeff: I think I’m going to play it for my family every year. It’s going to be the tradition that my kids bitch about when they’re grown.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Awesome. “Dear Lord, we would come to thee as the ancients came of old.”

Jeff: You’re right, he really is getting blown!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: He’s giving the ancients the glory! Give it to them, Libby!

Jason: The glory hole?

Jeff: That’s the one!

Jason: Huh. The track is over.

Jeff: That was extremely subdued for a Liberace song.

Jason: Agreed. I was expecting something much more flamboyant.

Jeff: I was expecting, like, Fred Schneider.

Jason: Or one of Lee Greenwood’s uptempo numbers. Seriously, what is this? Lee Greenwood actually has come further out of the closet than Liberace.

Jeff: Right — but this is more like the Rush Limbaugh version of “The Night Before Christmas” that you long ago declared off-limits for Mellowmas.

Jason: That track came on my iPod the other day. Why did I declare it off-limits? I forget.

Jeff: Because of your liberal bias, I imagine. And also because it’s terrible.

Jason: Yeah, I think you’re right. I think I didn’t want to give Rush Limbaugh any publicity whatsoever.

Jeff: This song, on the other hand, makes me feel like putting on a cardigan and eating a fruitcake. Unfortunately, I own neither a cardigan nor a fruitcake. C’mon over in a sweater and I’ll have both! Wakka wakka wakka!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Oh, look at this.

Jason: Ha, I bet we’re looking at the same thing right now.

Jeff: Liberace’s final television appearance?

Jason: No, I was looking up somebody’s collection of ornaments from Liberace. What do you have? We’re gifting each other Liberace. This is better than any other gift we’ve gotten each other.

Jeff: It is, isn’t it? I was just reading that “his final television appearance was on Christmas Day that same year on the recently-aired Oprah Winfrey Show TV talk show.” He died from AIDS complications, but “his obvious weight loss in the months prior to his death was attributed to a “watermelon diet” by his longtime and steadfast manager Seymour Heller.”

Jason: Wow. Wow.

Jeff: Now, about this other URL. “Bob’s Liberace”?

“Christmas was undoubtedly Liberace’s most favorite time of year. He once spent $25,000 on decorations alone, but lets not forget that included 12 full sized reindeer, a life sized nativity scene and 18 fully decorated Christmas trees.” Holy fuck!

Jason: Here are some Christmas cards Bob has collected from Liberace’s brother, George!

Jeff: Yeah, and the Liberace “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” 8-track!

Jason: If you go to the homepage, it says the following:

“I love Christmas carols; but then who doesn’t?
The local boys’ choir gave me
a particular thrill one year.”

- Liberace, The Things I love, 1976

Jeff: “PLEASE NOTE: I have NEVER at ANY time owned an 8-track tape player.” Haaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I bet that means EXACTLY what you think it means.

Jason: Wait, wait. Jeff, check this out.

Jeff: I just gasped.

Jason: Jeff, I am contacting Bob and offering him as much money as I have so I can give you a Liberace Santa table ornament.

Jeff: I…understand. I will put it on my table.

Jason: I will offer Bob my first born if I have to. Since I’m guessing Bob isn’t married to a woman.

Jeff: If he is, we must meet her. I wonder if they’ll consent to an interview?

Jason: As long as we don’t ask if he’s ever owned an 8-track tape player, I think we’re good.

Jeff: Excellent. We already know what’s going to top things off for Mellowmas IV.
You read it here first, people. Popdose will be posting directions for a punch-out Liberace Santa table ornament.

Jason: Here’s Liberace playing his Christmas medley in the ’80s!

Jeff: I’m playing this now. My family is here. Imagine how well Libby could have played piano without all those fucking rings?

Jason: This is way too classy. I was expecting campy.

Jeff: We have time. It’s four minutes long.

Jason: Forget it. I’m not watching this. It’s not doing any of the things I want it to. You stay here and watch. I’m going over to eBay to find you some Liberace Christmas memorabilia.

Jeff: I wish he was wearing that white coat. How in the hell did this man become famous?

Jason: Can I buy you this?

“Truly one of a kind, like new condition! You will stand out in a crowd for sure!”

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

“Photos do not show how bright this vest really is.”

Jason: “Note: This jacket has NEVER at ANY time owned an 8-track tape player!”

Jeff: Perfect! Do you think we could get Robert to wear this on next year’s Popdose Christmas card?

Jason: I think Robert would wear this in a heartbeat. We need to get one of our writers who would never wear it. Maybe we could get Scott to run his marathon in it?

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: This is actually a good idea! Scott could offer to wear it if everybody donates a certain amount.

Jeff: I will donate $20.

Jason: I want to buy this for you, and then I want you to post a picture of you wearing it. Possibly with your wife standing next to you, trying to smile.

Jeff: She wants to know what she has to wear. Don’t answer that.

Jason: Ha! She can wear whatever she wants. She just has to stand next to you and try not to look ashamed, like she usually does.

Man. Now I wish I could buy two. One for each of us. And we could do a holiday card. The four of us. Our wives, rolling their eyes as usual. You and I, pleased as punch. Gay punch.

Jeff: I would love that. Find it.

Jason: Well, for this year, this one vest will have to do. I can’t wait for you to try it on. And I want the picture. I want it posted for Mellowmas.

Jeff: You get the vest here. I’ll see about doing the rest.

Jason: “I’ll see”? I’m going to drop $20 on this vest for an “I’ll see”?

Jeff: And, you know, if any other readers care to send in their own bits of treasured Liberace memorabilia…

Jason: I’m bidding on the vest. Don’t let me down. Do it for me. And Libby. And for the beauty of holiness.

Jeff: Don’t worry, Jason. I will come as the ancients.

Jason: Praise God!

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Monday, December 22nd, 2008

The Twenty-Second Day of Mellowmas: Double Duvall!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Jason: So Jeff, the other day we gave our readers a double dose of Sedaka.

Jeff: Yes, we did.

Jason: We also gave them a double dose of Archies.

Jeff: That was mean of us.

Jason: Could we get any meaner?

Jeff: We’re dicks! Double dicks!

Jason: Let’s go for the dick hat trick.

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: Let’s play them some stuff from Shelley Duvall’s Christmas record. That’s right, folks. Shelley Duvall released a Christmas record.

Jeff: Shelley Duvall’s Christmas record, you say? Why, what’s it called, Jason?

Jason: It’s called Merry Christmas, and the first track is called “A Very Merry Christmas.” But she’s full of shit.

Jeff: I think she might be full of something else. Something possibly illegal. Several somethings, actually.

Jason: Wait a minute. I believe the album is actually technically called — and I swear I’m not making this up — Hello, I’m Shelley Duvall…Merry Christmas.

Jeff: Yes, that’s the title I was looking for. And on the cover, she’s posing with a pack of cartoon animals. A cartoon owl in a Santa hat is on her shoulder.

Jason: And she’s wearing something weird on her head. Oh wait, that’s her perm.

Jeff: Shelley Duvall is batshit crazy.

Jason: How crazy, you ask, readers? Well, let’s listen to “A Very Merry Christmas,” shall we?

Shelley Duvall — A Very Merry Christmas (download)

From Hello, I’m Shelley Duvall…Merry Christmas Amazon

Jeff: Hello, Shelley! Merry — wha? Stop.

Jason: I want to.

Jeff: Hey, quit it.

Jason: But my computer is somehow frozen.

Jeff: Stop it, damn you!

Jason: It won’t let me stop the track!!!!

Jeff: Blackberry cherry absolutely very

Jason: It’s a blackberry, raspberry, something something…SHUT UP

Jeff: Well, at least she stopped rhyming with “erry.”

Jason: Is this really a grown woman?

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: She sounds, like, eight.  There is only one way I would accept any of these tracks, and that’s if she sang them in The Shining.

Jeff: This is a very scary Christmas.

Jason: “I know this song is hard to sing.” Shelley, it’s hard to HEAR. Jesus Christ.

Jeff: Not a temporary Christmas! Did you hear that?

Jason: I can’t hear anything anymore, Jeff.

Jeff: She plans on things staying this way forever.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This is BULLSHIT.

Jason: My body is shaking, this is so awful. Jeff, I don’t know. I’m having second thoughts about subjecting them to a second track.

Jeff: Why didn’t anyone SLAP her? Slap her in her FACE? That always works on TV when a woman is acting crazy.

Jason: I’m not condoning violence during the Christmas season, but someone needed to stop Shelley Duvall.

Jeff: I hear it worked for Margot Kidder.

Jason: What record label was this released on?

Jeff: Hmm.

Jason: Find out. And find out who runs that label. Even if they didn’t run it in 1991, they deserve to be beaten for the past sins of the label.

Jeff: Oh, wow.

Jason: What?

Jeff: I found a “review” of the album.

Jason: I found that too! That blog is great, by the way. So readers, if we’re not giving you enough crap to listen to, head over to Musical Fruitcake. Dammit. I wish I had thought of that title.

Jeff: Dude, Kid Rhino released this. I’m assuming Kid Rhino is the kids’ offshoot of Rhino Records.

Jason: Maybe it was actually a kid rhino.

Jeff: Knowing they’re responsible for this makes me angrier than I would have expected. Can you imagine the faces in the boardroom when she played this shit for the executives?

Jason: I imagine her actually bringing the stuffed animals. And dancing around the room.

Jeff: They must have been beyond high.

Jason: Hello. I’m Shelley Duvall.

Jeff: Merry Christmas.

Jason: And I’m FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Do we subject them to another one?

Jeff: Fuck yes we do! We both listened to the whole album!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: They can suck it up.

Jason: Now you’re talkin’! How about “Gotta Be a Christmas”? I mean, really, we could pick anything. But this one is, like, four minutes long. And that seems especially mean.

Jeff: Heh, heh, heh.

Jason: And thus perfect for Mellowmas. The other one was only two minutes.

Jeff: It felt like fifty.

Jason: Ready?

Jeff: Very very very

Jason: Suck my dingleberry

Jeff: I popped your mother’s cherry

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I’m crying over here!

Hang on. Seriously. I have to stop laughing. Oh my God. The tears.

Jeff: The Mellowmas tears.

Jason: Oh, my stomach hurts.

Whew
Okay.
Deep breaths.
Okay. I have to move on.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Snicker

Jeff: I don’t think the readers are in any rush.

Jason: I don’t think the readers are going to find this as funny as I’m finding it right now.  Oh, I needed that. Okay, seriously now. On to “Gotta Be a Christmas.” This should take the smile off my face.

Jeff: Right away.

Shelley Duvall — Gotta Be a Christmas (download)

From Hello, I’m Shelley Duvall…Merry Christmas Amazon

Jeff: Oh, man.

Jason: AHHHHHHHHH! What the fuck?? Are those the South Park kids?

Jeff: It sounds like she’s fronting the most annoying kids’ choir in the world.

Jason: Ding dong! Shelley Duvall is at the door! And she’s hoping for your turkey scraps!

Jeff: Penguins? Santa lives in an igloo?

Jason: He lives in a giant…what?

Jeff: Shelley, those are Eskimos, you dumb bitch.

Jason: Who WROTE this shit?

Jeff: Synth drums!

Jason: How the hell is she pronouncing “Claus”?

Jeff: I…I want to choke her.

Jason: Jack Nicholson is sitting somewhere banging his head on the desk. “What happened, Shelley”?

Jeff: I hate Christmas all of a sudden. Like, I wish there was no such thing.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jason: He eats too much…bologna?

Jeff: Santa eats too much BALONEY?

Jason: Wha….? This is so terrible.

Jeff: I don’t understand.

Jason: Like, genuinely terrible.

Jeff: I don’t understand how this happened.

Jason: Wait, here comes the godforsaken chorus.

Jeff: I’d love to interview one of the people who lost their jobs because of this album.

Jason: What is with her squeaky motherfucking voice?

Jeff: That’s her falsetto, Jason. When will this end?

Jason: I have to know who the guitarist is.

Jeff: That’s Shelley, dressed up as an owl.

Jason: This is so very awful. Ding dong! Shelley’s at the door! She wants to know if you have any left over Oxycontin!

Jeff: Fade out! Please! Fade OUT already! Fade, fade, fade, damn you! Faster!

Jason: “There’s just GOTTA be a Christmas!” “I don’t know what I would do!”

Jeff: Shut your goddamn mouth, Shelley!

Jason: “There better be a Christmas!”

Jeff: sigh of relief

Jason: You’re right. That fade took way too long. But it’s over now.

Jeff: What the fuck.

Jason: I think even Alan O’Day has left by this point. Alan may very well be on a plane, getting ready to hunt one of us down and shoot us.

Jeff: I’m looking for Shelley’s official site.

Jason: No. Don’t do it.

Jeff: Surprise! She doesn’t have one. Nobody even cared enough to cybersquat at www.shelleyduvall.com.

Jason: Who’d want to admit to being Shelley’s cybersquatter? What is she doing now, anyway?

Jeff: “She is currently living in Blanco, TX.”

Jason: Is there a cult there?

Jeff: “Although recent reports have stated Duvall residing in Blanco, she has been sighted making multiple trips to the original filming site of The Shining. Rumors speculate after filming The Shining, Duvall never recovered from the traumatic experiences with director Stanley Kubrick.”

Oh my God, it all makes sense now.

Jason: !!!!! Holy crap.

Jeff: Yeah, this is scarier than Verschmiginnighscht. I will be sleeping with my lights on tonight.

Jason: Ooh! I double-dog dare you to put THIS on your daughter’s iPod!

Jeff: Just waiting to hear a high-pitched old lady’s voice say “ding dong!”

Jason: Seriously, though, will you play it for her, and let me know what she thinks?

Jeff: Oh, but I already have.

Jason: You have?

Jeff: Sophie loves music so much. She has her favorites, but she just loves music.

Jason: I know.

Jeff: After hearing “A Very Merry Christmas,” do you know what she said?

Jason: What?

Jeff: My three-year-old daughter looked up at me and said, “It’s over now. Isn’t that good?”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sophie Giles FTW! Did you play it for your wife? I haven’t played it for mine.

Jeff: At full volume!

Jason: You did?!?!? Oh my God!

Jeff: She’s grown numb to this kind of thing.

Jason: Poor Leah!

Jeff: I think I played it while she was making dinner, actually, which makes it even worse.

Jason: I’m surprised your dinner didn’t have an extra-special ingredient in it that night.

Jeff: There’s nothing like Mellowmas to remind you of what a horrible human being you are, is there? Thanks a lot, Shelley Duvall!

Jason: I need to go take some medicine. That was awful. Sorry, readers.

Jeff: Pepto won’t help.

Jason: How about cyanide?

Jeff: It also won’t stop the nightmares of Shelley Duvall rocking herself to sleep on the porch of an abandoned hotel in the Rocky Mountains.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Hello!
I’m Shelley Duvall.
And I’m here to eat your first born!

Jeff: Can’t…type…laughing…so…hard…

Jason:
Hello!
I’m Shelley Duvall.
Vergissmeinnicht.

Jeff: Upper…body…hurts…

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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Sunday, December 21st, 2008

The Twenty-First Day of Mellowmas: Sedakamas

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

What would Christmas be without Neil Sedaka?  Other than a whole lot better?  Today, we do something especially cruel: we give you not one, but two songs from one of the sappiest artists alive.  Enjoy!

Neil Sedaka — Love is Spreading Over the World (download)

From The Miracle of Botox Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: I just want to tell you how excited I was when I found this record.

Jeff: I can see why.

Jason: Like, I knew it was awful before I even heard a note. It’s so…calculated.

Jeff: I’m transfixed by the cover photo.

Jason: Listen to this shit. Listen to that synthesizer!

Jeff: I know, it’s supposed to be a Hammond.

Jason: I would bet ANYTHING that’s Daryl Dragon.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: It sounds like Captain & Tennille! Key change! And more C&T keyboards!

Jeff: What do you think Neil looks like when he’s singing? I imagine him with a grin permanently frozen on his face. Snapping his fingers.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! In a sweater.

Jeff: Oblivious to the fact that his producer has left the building.

Jason: You think this gospel choir in the background went out and committed mass suicide after this?

Jeff: He’s really having fun here. You can tell. He doesn’t even know how much he sucks.

Jason: It’s like he’s trying to channel “Put a Little Love in Your Heart.”

Jeff: God is alive and he’s making a comeback! Oh no!

Jason: God is NOT alive, Neil.

Jeff: Watch out, sinners!

Jason: Wait for it, here it comes…PRAISE GOD!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: God’s like, “No! No! Stop! Don’t praise me!”

Jeff: Funky breakdown!

Jason: Do you feel it?! Clap! Clap! Clap!

Jeff: Neil Sedaka is a Baptist!

Jason: I’m bopping in my chair! Amen!

Jeff: That isn’t bopping — that’s your internal organs trying to escape.

Jason: He just said “praise God” again! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I feel like we’d be remiss if we didn’t tell our readers that this is a DOUBLE-DISC SET. TWO DISCS OF SEDAKA.

Jason: The first is traditional Christmas music. We didn’t even download that one. The second, with original Christmas music, seemed much more enticing.

Jeff: I almost wish I had a physical copy of this, so I could give it to the oldest person I know.

Jason: …Ron Dante?

Jeff: Ha! I bet Ron and Neil are gummin’ buddies!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: They crack a six-pack of Ensure and talk about the good old days!

Jason: So I’ve actually listened to all of this disc. I think he mentions God specifically in every track, but this one seemed to be the most blatant. God. Is. Alive. And. He’s. Making. A. Comeback.

Jeff: More blatant than “Where Is God?”

Jason: Ooh, good point.

Jeff: Yes, friends, there is a track titled “Where Is God?”

Jason: “Where is God” is actually a depressing track, if I remember correctly. It’s not like “Where is Thumbkin.”

Jeff: Ha!

Jason:
Here I am!
Here I am!
How are you today, sir?
Choking on Sedaka!
Run away!
Run away!

Jeff: Jason, this whole record is depressing.

Jason: I know.

Jeff: I’m sure there’s an infomercial for it somewhere.

Jason: runs to YouTube

Jeff: It probably plays in a loop in the restrooms of Ron Dante cruise ships.

Jason: Shit! I can’t find one! I did find “Laughter in the Rain,” which is an awesome song, but I digress.

Jeff: Well, we found it at eMusic, and something tells me Neil’s target demographic doesn’t frequent that particular vendor. I’m sure he’d sell more copies on QVC.

Jason: I think the first disc was released last year, and now they’re re-releasing as a 2-disc set. Or something.

Jeff: Deluxe reissue!

Jason: Wasn’t there another track you wanted to foist upon our poor readers?

Jeff: I think there was.

Jason: Something that reminisced about the Andrews Sisters or something?

Jeff: Oh yes.

Jason: “Razzle Dazzle Christmas,” I think it was.

Jeff: “Razzle Dazzle Christmas.”

Jason: What the fuck. Let’s just do it. These people hate us by now, anyway. We only have one reader left. Alan O’Day.

Jeff: Hi, Alan!

Jason: And Alan probably knows Neil. Who knows, we may have just pissed off Alan O’Day. But it’s okay. A copy of “Vergissmeinnicht” and some chloroform will calm him down.

Jeff: This is a short track. They can count themselves lucky for that much, at least.

Neil Sedaka — Razzle Dazzle Christmas (download)

From The Miracle of Botox Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Hee hee hee!

Jason: Sedaka channels Bob Fosse!

Jeff: Where is God, indeed!

Jason: Sedaka’s totally doing jazz hands! Careful, Neil! You’ll break your hip!

Jeff: Silly sound effects!

Jason: I think he’s going to name-check some people soon.

Jeff: I think he’s going to die soon.

Jason: We can drink some brandy! Great idea, Neil!

Jeff: Sugar on a spoon!

Jason: Give me a taste of the old days, it was sugar on a spoon? What the hell does that mean?

Jeff: That’s Thursday afternoon at Boca del Boca!

Jason: Crosby and the Andrews Sisters!

Jeff: Brenda Lee could rock it! Haaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Brenda Lee! He slept with Brenda Lee! Brenda Lee is havin’ his baby!

Jeff: What’s with that fucking whistle?

Jason: Big finish! BIIIG FINISH! Kick line!

Jeff: Do you think this is what karaoke night at Neil’s sounds like? Oh! My colostomy bag!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Oh, thank God that’s over. Whew

Jeff: That was…something.

Jason: It was. I don’t even know what to say.

Jeff: I think you do.

Jason: Except Neil Sedaka + jazz hands = my lunch, coming right back up.

Jeff: urp

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Saturday, December 20th, 2008

The Twentieth Day of Mellowmas: VERGISSMEINNICHT!!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Jeff: You want to get German?

Jason: Ja.

Eisbrecher — Vergissmeinnicht (download)

From Melodic Metal Dreams for Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: !!!! What the fuck is this?

Jeff: This doesn’t sound like Christmas at all. AHHHHHH!

Jason: HOLY SHIT!

Jeff: What the FUCK?

Jason: Jeff, as a Jew, I want you to know I’m really, really frightened right now.

Jeff: As a NON-Jew, I’m frightened.

Jason: How the fuck did you find this track?

Jeff: It’s on an album called Melodic Metal Dreams for Christmas.

Jason: This sounds like one of the songs the Numa Numa kid would listen to.

Jeff: Ha ha ha! Numa Numa Kid!

Jason: What does Vergissmeinnicht mean, anyway?

Jeff: I don’t know, but I found the lyrics. The first verse begins:

Three weeks gone and the combatants gone
returning over the nightmare ground
we found the place again, and found
the soldier sprawling in the sun.

Jason: What the…

Jeff: Maybe this guy wrote “Song for Sarajevo.”

Jason: How is this a Christmas song?

Jeff: If Rammstein ever makes a Christmas album, I think it’ll sound a lot like this.

Jason: I don’t understand.

Jeff:

For here the lover and killer are mingled
who had one body and one heart.
And death who had the soldier singled
has done the lover mortal hurt.

Jason: Seriously. How is this Christmas?

Jeff: Oh, wait, you know what?

Jason: Hang on, I’m busy renouncing my faith.

Jeff: Those aren’t the lyrics. They’re a poem with the same fucking name.

Jason: Eisbrecher totally just punked you!

Jeff: These guys are the world’s scariest plagiarists.

Jason: I found the video!

Jeff: Are you watching it? I hear it ends with the singer in a casket.

Jason: Are you kidding me? No, I’m not watching the video! I won’t be able to sleep tonight!

Jeff: You know what? I like this better than the Archies.

Jason: You said you hated the Archies. You melodramatic motherfucker.

Jeff: I’m totally imagining these guys interrupting one of Ron Dante’s cruise ship concerts.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! “Sugar…oh, honey hon (SLAP)”

Jeff: “Vergissmeinnicht! Vergissmeinnicht, Vergissmeinnicht, Vergissmeinnicht!”

Jason: “Oops, I crapped my pants!” I wonder how Eisbrecher would play in Fort Lauderdale. If I had some kind of immunity, I would totally invite them over for Passover seder.

Jeff: The band’s name translates to “icebreaker.” Oh, wait, I found the translation of the title!

Jason: Oh yeah? Does it mean “achoo”?

Jeff: Ha! It means “forget-me-not.”

Jason: So we still don’t know what the fuck this has to do with Christmas, other than you found it on that album.

Jeff: I’m going to their website. If I’m not back in five minutes, call the cops.

Jason: Forget the cops, I’m calling my rabbi. Think of shalom, Jeff.

Jeff: They have a podcast!

Jason: Do you think they just scream all through the podcast?

Jeff: I hope so!

Jason: Vergissmeinnicht!

Jeff: This website is full of hilarious almost-English: “Your loyalty will be recompensed! Who buys the new Eisbrecher-record „Sünde “ within the first publication week, gets a surprise from us on top.”

Jason: Vergissmeinnicht to all, and to all a good night!

Jeff: I’m totally buying this record for you.

Jason: Oh, no. Please, no. Send it to Robert or something.

Jeff: I want to know what the surprise on top is. Specifically when it is on top of you. Vergissmeinnicht!!!

Jason: Vergissmeinnicht! Do me a favor. Put this track on your daughter’s iPod.

Jeff: You’re so mean.

Jason: Tell her it’s a wonderful sweet lullaby. Then turn off all the lights. And wear all black, and dance around with a flashlight under your face.

Jeff: I’m scared she’ll know the words. I’ll wake up and find her next to my bed and she’ll say “Vergissmeinnicht!”

Jason: If your daughter can pronounce that word at three years old, you have a genius on your hands.

Jeff: I’ll tell you what I will do, though.

Jason: Let me guess. You’ll send me the CD.

Jeff: Aww, you ruined the surprise!

Jason: I hope you have to order it from overseas and it costs you like $30.

Jeff: Don’t worry, though — the band has an extra surprise on top for you. “What the surprise will be will not be shown yet of course!”

Jason: Vergissmeinnicht!

Jeff: Vergissmeinnicht!!!

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Friday, December 19th, 2008

The Nineteenth Day of Mellowmas: Archiemas!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Jason: So before we start, Jeff, I’d like you to tell our readers about how you felt when this CD showed up on your doorstep. Sent lovingly by yours truly.

Jeff: Well, for some strange reason, you insisted on requiring a signature for delivery.

Jason: That wasn’t me. That was Amazon. But okay, I’ll take the credit.

Jeff: And the UPS guy happened to show up when I wasn’t home.  So I spent an entire day wondering what wonderful gift someone might have sent me.

Jason: Go on.

Jeff: Something so precious that it needed a signature.

Jason: Yes. YES.

Jeff: It had to be valuable!

Jason: Like a delicate Christmas ornament! Or a puppy!

Jeff: Mayhap! And then the guy showed up, and it was just this dinky little box. And I opened it…and then…

Jason: Go on…

Jeff: Hang on, I need a moment.

Jason: Take your time. Our readers will wait.

Jeff: I opened it, and there…There was this THING…

Jason: …Yes? Yes?

Jeff: Oh, it was awful.

Jason: Tell me. Tell us.

Jeff: It was The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica.

Archies Christmas Party! COME ON!

Jason: YES. It WAS. Did you scream out, “MOTHERFUCKER!”? Because that’s what I did when you sent me the Judy Collins CD.

Jeff: I think I may have done that, actually. And then I checked the receipt, and it had your name on it. Along with a brief note.

Jason: …which said…?

Jeff: “Suck it!”

Jason: YES! I wanted to write, “Suck it, fuckface!” but I wasn’t sure if Amazon would stop it from going out.

Jeff: You are a bastard. You really, truly are.

Jason: Yay! Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a merry Mellowmas!

Jeff: We’ll find out when I send you a copy of — well, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Jason: I threw the Judy Collins CD across the room, which was a bad idea because now the CD case is cracked and I can’t give it to my Aunt. I mean, sure, I could put it in a new case, but that’s a waste of a new case.

Jeff: Just use one of the Mardones cases. (Note: back in 2006, Jeff “graciously” sent Jason the entire Benny Mardones discography.  Prick.)

Jason: Ooooh! You asshole!

Jeff: Or have you had those bronzed?

Jason: They sat on the floor under my desk at work until I left that job. When I was packing up my shit, I was tempted to just leave them there for the next occupant.

Jeff: You should have!

Jason: Instead — and I don’t know why — I took them home. I have no idea where they are now. One, I think, is underneath the litter box.

Jeff: Oh, I know why.

Jason: Why?

Jeff: Because you love Benny Mardones.

Jason: Shit. You have me there.

Jeff: You looooooooooooove him.

Jason: I do kind of looooooove him. Even though I’ve still only heard “Into the Night.”

Jeff: Which sucks, but is still thousands of times better than anything on this piece of shit CD.

Jason: Well, let’s see, shall we?

Jeff: We shall.

Jason: Onto the Archies!

The Archies — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (download)

Archies Christmas Party! COME ON!

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jeff: I hate it already. I hate you even more.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! This is awful!

Jeff: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Jason: It might have almost – ALMOST – made sense in 1998.

Jeff: This is like “Sugar Sugar” after someone took a dump on it.

Jason: Ha! Shitty Sugar!

Jeff: Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Jason: I wonder: is this Betty or Veronica?

Jeff: I know we’re supposed to snark on these songs, but all I want to do is swear.

Jason: Man, can you hear the AutoTune? ‘Cause I can totally hear the AutoTune. Key change! Probably achieved by a pitch shift in ProTools!

Jeff: This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jason: Oh, stop it.

Jeff: No, I’m serious.

Jason: It’s nowhere NEAR the worst thing you’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jeff: It is!

Jason: It isn’t. You’re being melodramatic. Stop it.

Jeff: I’m not either.

Jason: Yes, you are. Think back.

Jeff: I want to punch this girl. And you. And then the girl again.

Jason: Ha! Hang on, I found the MySpace pages for these girls.

Jeff: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. I was hoping they were Ron Dante after some kind of gross post-production.

Jason: Kelly Lynn and Danielle van Zyl.

Jeff: Hey, these girls are built like the real Betty and Veronica! Suddenly, I like this song more.

Jason: I’m glad you mentioned him. Have you noticed something interesting about this album? It’s The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica. And they’re not kidding. Archie — Ron Dante — gets, like, NO singing time. You heard him a little bit at the end of that track. But the Archies people are no idiots.

Jeff: Says you. And even if they aren’t idiots, they’re still evil.

Jason: They know that kids who read Archie comics, and listen to this stuff, don’t want to hear 100-year-old Ron Dante.

Jeff: KIDS DON’T READ ARCHIE COMICS!

Jason: They don’t? I know I did when I was a kid. But then again, I listen to Mellow Gold, so go figure.

Jeff: Oh my God. Nobody ever slapped you with a rolled-up Spider-Man?

Jason: I had a huge collection of Archie comics. And not just mine — I had my mother’s, too.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Oh, fuck you!

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha hah ha hahahahahaha

Jason: If I had known this was going to be a point of teasing, I never would have brought it up. FUCK.

Jeff: I saw Mommy reading Archie comics…

Jason: At least my mom’s not a prostitute. Because yours totally is. I’m just saying. I saw your mommy blowing Santa Claus. And by “Santa Claus,” I mean “me.”

Jeff: At least my mom doesn’t call my dad Mr. Weatherbee.

Jason: You wanna listen to another one? Let’s listen to one of the Archies-centric tracks. Let’s listen to “Archie’s Christmas Party.”

Jeff: Another one? Shit.

Jason: Hey, come on. Ron Dante needs our support.

Jeff: He needs a punch in the head.

Jason: You think that cruise line gig is paying the bills? No siree.

Jeff: Cruise line whaaa?

Jason: Yeah. I, uh, looked him up too.

Jeff: Man, if I bought tickets for a cruise and Ron Dante was the entertainment, I would fucking kill somebody.

Jason: You’d jump off the ship?

Jeff: Jump off? With an open bar? Don’t be stupid. I said I’d kill SOMEONE.

Jason: Dammit. I was hoping you’d jump off. I’m already on the cruise line page, ready to buy you a ticket.

Jeff: Does Ron bring Kelly-Lynn and Danielle on these cruises?

Jason: I’m glad you asked.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: There he is! He actually looks pretty good. Well preserved.

Jeff: There is no God.

Jason: Only Jughead.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: “Archie’s Christmas Party” or “Here Comes Santa Claus.” Both feature a sliver of Dante. Take your pick.

Jeff: I have “Party” cued up.

Jason: Okay. Let’s give our readers what they deserve! More Archies!

The Archies — Archie’s Christmas Party (download)

Archies Christmas Party! COME ON!

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jason: Oooh, tambourine! I think that’s Betty singing. Just FYI.

Jeff: Again, I am filled with hate.

Jason: It’s Archie’s Christmas Partyyyyy! We’re gonna have fun! Clap! Clap clap!

Jeff: I wonder if it’s a rainbow party?

Jason: Betty and Veronica will sing along! Archie will stand around and eat pureed food! Reggie will give Hot Dog a reacharound!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Wait, they just promised us “famous names.”

Jeff: Do these people really think they’re jump-starting the franchise with this record?

Jason: I have no idea.

Jeff: No one is going to buy this. I’m surprised you didn’t get a signed letter from Ron Dante.

Jason: I thought Ron Dante would be driving the UPS truck! Still no Archie on this track, though.

Jeff: Oh, there he is.

Jeff: I think I hear his gums rattling.

Jason: He actually sounds pretty good, all things considered. Like, you know, his AGE.

Jeff: Jesus Christ, this is lame.

Jason: Archie’s Christmas Party! COME ON! COME ON! Archie’s Christmas Party!

Jason: I wonder what Ron Dante thinks when he sings this stuff.
“I get to eat tonight!”

Jeff: How badly would you want to change careers if you played on this album?

Jason: You know, I’m glad you asked that. I always think about these session musicians.

Jeff: Oh no. Did you look them up, too?

Jason: Um…maybe. I looked up the bassist. Leave me alone.

Jeff: Tell me it’s the same guy you stalked at the Air Supply concert.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! I WISH! I love that guy! The bassist plays on oldies cruises. I’m not sure if he plays with Ron Dante, though. Probably.

Jeff: In more ways than one!

Jason: ZING!

Jeff: ZANG! So anyway, those songs suck.

Jason: True dat.

Jeff: Just like everything else on this horrible album.

Jason: But that’s why we feature them this Mellowmas.

Jeff: It’s the Mellowmas spirit.

Jason: And that’s why I sent them to you. Enjoy, asshole. Merry Mellowmas.

Jeff: I hope you choke on that smug grin you’re wearing, dickhole. Merry Mellowmas to you.

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Thursday, December 18th, 2008

The Eighteenth Day of Mellowmas: The Unimaginable Mellowmas

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Jason: Before we play this track –  “December” by Kenny Loggins — we should acknowledge that this was one of the only Mellowmas suggestions we received this whole season.

Jeff: Mainly so people know who to blame.This one wasn’t our fault! We knew about this album — oh yes, we knew. But we avoided it.

Jason: Robert Smith, everybody. Blame Robert Smith. And no, not from The Cure. Robert Smith who wrote that awesome CHART ATTACK! earlier this year.

Jeff: Man, I wish The Cure would record a Christmas album.

Jason: You know why I avoided this track, specifically?

Jeff: Why, specifically?

Jason: Because it was released in 1998.

Jeff: Deep in the heart of Kenny’s “Enema Period.”

Jason: YES.

Jeff: I know what you mean.

Jason: When everybody was FORCED to know about his undying love for his wife. When we had to know all the details of their Unimaginable Life.

Jeff: Please, don’t talk about it.

Jason: I bought the CD for my mom. One day, I was bored and read the liner notes. Let’s just say that my eyes can’t unsee all that they have seen. It’s…unimaginable.

Jeff: Dude, I bought the BOOK for my mom.

Jason: Wow.

Jeff: I wish I could un-unimagine it.

Jason: This is the first time you’ve seemed like more of a mama’s boy than me.

Jeff: I think I probably paid less for the book than you did for the CD, so we might be even.

Jason: It’s not about money, and you know it. You wanted your mom to have an unimaginable life! And of course, at the time, you couldn’t have possibly imagined I would have been banging her, so there you go. I guess it was a worthwhile purchase.

Jeff: Ha! How about the penicillin? Was that worthwhile?

Jason: She took care of the co-pay, that was nice of her, at least.

Jeff: Anyway, point is, neither one of us has ever bothered listening to Kenny’s Christmas album. WE knew better.

Jason: Right.

Jeff: And we’ve listened to some heinous shit.

Jason: HEINOUS. Unimaginable, even.

Jeff: But Robert Smith suggested — begged us, even! — to include this song.

Jason: I have to admit, when he mentioned it, as well as the lyrics, I was intrigued.

Jeff: The lyrics are…intriguing.

Jason: Let’s share with all, shall we?

Jeff: Let’s.

Jason: Just remember, everybody. Robert’s to blame.

Kenny Loggins — On Christmas Morning (download)

From December Amazon iTunes

Jason: Piano! Ugh! Old December’s here at last! Time for Kenny to slur his words!

Jeff: This synth setting is the musical equivalent of a tramp stamp tattooed on the space right above a girl’s ass. You know everything you need to know as soon as you see it.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! That’s the best thing you’ve written, ever.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: Kenny’s talking about a Christmas scene, but I feel like the gross stuff is coming. The stuff about his wife.

Jeff: You know what’s funny about this song already? I think Kenny Loggins lives in Santa Barbara.

Jason: He believes! He believes in love!

Jeff: Oops, here it is.

Jason:

On Christmas morning you awaken with a smile.
You hold me in your arms.
We watch the snowflakes fly.

Jeff: And then you love me!

Jason: We have tantric sex.

Jeff: Grrooooooooooooosssssss!

Coming back again this year!

Jason: You shave my beard and feed me oatmeal.

Jeff: Is it technically “feeding” when she put it in his butt?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Silently they watched the seasons change, Jason. I wonder if that’s because she kept Kenny in a ball gag.

Jason: On Christmas morning you awaken with a smile. You hold me in your arms.

Jeff: Notice how she’s the one doing all the work here?

Jason: We watch the snowflakes fly. You clip my toenails and pick your teeth with the shavings.

Jeff: She awakens. She holds him. She “loves” him.

Jason: Ugh, key change.

Jeff: We knew it was coming. There had to be at least one in here.

Jason: Yeah, we did, didn’t we? He realizes how sweet a life can be!

Jeff: Notice how Kenny’s using his soulful voice on this one?

Jason: Well, of course, Jeff. His love was nothing if not soulful. Gee, I wonder who produced this.

Jeff: Walter Afanasieff?

Jason: Let me check the ID3 tag.

Jeff: James Newton Howard?

Jason: Hey, look who composed it! David Foster!

Jeff: Oh no!

Jason: Oh YES!

Jeff: David Foster wrote this? The lyrics, too?

Jason: I don’t know! Ugh, does that mean Kenny and Julia had a threesome?
UGH UGH UGH UGH. Was David Foster part of their unimaginable life?

Jeff: It burns!

Jason: I don’t want to imagine it, Jeff! Make it stop!

Jeff: I’ll tell you one thing. I’m going to use “and then you love me” on my wife at every possible opportunity.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Use it as a persuasive tool. Like, when you want booty, you can just look at her sternly and be like, “and then you LOVE ME.”

Jeff: “Goodnight, honey. And just remember: You awaken with a smile.”

Jason: “You stick a Q-Tip in my ear. You clean the lint from my navel.”

Jeff: Doesn’t it make you laugh to listen to this shit and think about back in the ’80s, when we were all willing to pretend Kenny Loggins could rock?

Jason: I thought he did a decent job in the ’80s.

Jeff: Remember when he was on the Top Gun soundtrack? Kenny Loggins, singing about fighter pilots.

Jason: About highways.

Jeff: And…danger zones. WAIT A MINUTE…

Jason: Oh, I see where you’re going. Go on.

Jeff: Oh, I’m not spelling that out. The readers will have to make their own conclusions about Kenny’s “danger zone.”

Jason: Remember when he was alright, and he didn’t need nobody to worry about him?

Jeff: Yes, except I think he was wearing a red jumpsuit at the time, which meant he was technically not all right. Or alright, even.

Jason: I took my mom to see him in concert maybe two summers ago. It was…not good. He looked like he had taken waaaaaaaay too many drugs. Like, he was just…slow.

Jeff: Maybe it had been awhile since his last enema.

Jason: I’m trying to think of how I can describe this. Brian Wilson on speed, maybe.

Jeff: Wow.

Jason: Like, energetic, but still not all there.

Jeff: Well, we’d be remiss if we didn’t point out that Kenny’s had a rough few years. His wife/analrapist left him. His records don’t sell anymore.

Jason: Well, neither do Richard Marx’s records, but I’ll defend his current rocking abilities to the ends of the earth. But yes, we should note that Kenny’s unimaginable life ended poorly.

Jeff: Richard Marx, much as I love to make fun of him, has never recorded anything as terribly sappy as The Unimaginable Life. That record — all of it — makes “Right Here Waiting” sound like “Start Me Up.”

Jason: Well, the problem is, if you record an album like The Unimaginable Life, you’re pretty much bragging, “Hey, my marriage is amazing and unstoppable, and here’s how you can have it, too.” I mean, that’s what the book said, right? Don’t pretend your mom didn’t read it to you. I know she read it to me.

Jeff: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT THE BOOK SAID. But yes, that is the problem with that album. And also the fact that he was NAKED ON THE COVER.

Jason: Yes! But you gotta give him at least this — once his marriage broke up, he wrote an angry divorce record.

Jeff: Heh. Blood on the Tracks, it ain’t.

Jason: That may be true.

Jeff: But yes, I know the record you’re talking about. Instead of a freshly waxed vagina, it has teeny-tiny little balls.

Jason: How About Now, with songs like “I’m a Free Man Now” and “I Don’t Wanna Hate You Anymore.” And “One Last Goodbye Song,” which pissed me off because it’s clearly not true.

Jeff: You were hoping Kenny was saying goodbye to us?

Jason: A little.

Jeff: I understand.

Jason: Oh! You know what this whole thing reminds me of?

Jeff: 1987?

Jason: You remember the SNL sketch with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch where they were college professors talking about what activities they partake in as “lovahs”? And it was all old, gross stuff?

Jeff: Yes! This is equally squirm-inducing!

Jason: Yes! This is the musical manifestation of that sketch! Oh, wow! I feel like I’ve been carrying that association in my head for years and only put it together just now. Thanks, Rob!

Jeff: I will not be thanking you for anything, Rob. Just so you know.

Jason: Well, I feel significantly unclean at this point, how about you?

Jeff: I’m just looking for a way to contact Kenny on Rob’s behalf.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: But yes, I do feel significantly unclean, although after 18 days of Mellowmas, it’s hard to tell.

Jason: Merry Mellowmas, Rob! Hope an unimaginable life is headed your way!

Jeff: Hey, at the Kenny Loggins Web Store, you can purchase Kenny Loggins ringtones! I wonder if they have one for this song.

Jason: If not, we could easily make one and send it to Robert.

Jeff: Autographed tour poster: $40!

Jason: Forget it. I want to punish Rob, but not $40 punish him.

Jeff: I keep looking for a Wing-style option to have Kenny call the person of your choice, but sadly, Kenny appears not to care about his fans as much as Wing.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Looks like Rob got off lucky this time. THIS TIME.

Jeff: But Rob, I swear to God, if you recommend anything else for Mellowmas…

Jason: …we’ll send you a copy of The Unimaginable Life. Both the book AND the CD. You have been warned!

Jeff: As for the rest of you, well, maybe an enema will help settle your stomachs.

Jason: Good luck, everyone!

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Wednesday, December 17th, 2008

The Seventeeth Day of Mellowmas: Mellowmas Goes South

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Well, folks, every year, we come across a song or two that we imagine will be truly, truly terrible — and we’re surprised to find out that they’re actually not half-bad. Take a trip with us down south and see if you agree!

Lynyrd Skynyrd — Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin’ (download)

From Christmas Time Again Amazon iTunes

Jason: Ungh! OOOOH! ROCK!

Jeff: This is unusual for a Mellowmas track.

Jason: You mean that it actually has some balls behind it?

Jeff: It sounds…hairy. Smells like Natural Light.

Jason: Or Milwaukee’s Best.

Jeff: Santa Claus wants some lovin’! It’s time for Santa to make his midnight greet!

Jason: Say it again! Santa Claus wants some lovin’!

Jeff: Oh, wait, that’s “creep.” As in, “this song is creeping me the fuck out.”

“Now I been trying to fix this old bicycle
Can’t seem to find my pliers
Halfway watchin’ Mama for that sleep in her eyes cause
Santa Claus wants some lovin’.”

Does that mean what I think it means?

Jason: I’m afraid so.

Jeff: Is he waiting for her to fall asleep?

Jason: I think so. I don’t know what it has to do with the old bicycle though.

Jeff: Or the pliers. shudder

“I don’t want no turkey
Don’t care about no cake
I want you to come here Mama ‘fore the children wake cause
Santa Claus wants some lovin’.”

I want to vomit.

Jason: See, this is a case where I think the music is just fine, but the lyrics are terrible.

Jeff: Shit, for all I know, this music is from another Skynyrd song.

Jason: I mean, the music isn’t great by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s not horrible.

Jeff: “Come make your Papa happy.” Spoken like a true man of the south!

Jason: Oh, no. That’s awful.

Jeff: “Daddy, get off me, you’re crushin’ my cigarettes!”

Jason: Hey, do you think Santa Claus wants some lovin’? Because they haven’t mentioned it about 300 times.

Jeff: Ssshh. I’m enjoying the solos. I’m finally having some fun this Mellowmas.

Jason: This isn’t going to go on until tomorrow like “Freebird,” is it?

Jeff: And they fucking faded it out! Assholes! Come back here and make your papa happy, dammit!

Jason: They probably faded out because the guitarist was drugged up and didn’t open his eyes for another 10 minutes. They didn’t want to disturb his groove.

Jeff: Or maybe another one of the Skynyrds was on the run from the law.

Jason: Actually, for all we know, that guitarist may still be playing. Maybe they faded it out, mixed it, pressed it and released it, all while he was noodling.

Jeff: Well, I feel unfulfilled. We were just starting to rock a little, and those dicks ruined it. I’ve sat through Al Jarreau, Barry Manilow, and worse.

Jason: Jarreau, Manilow and…Skynyrd. I smell a tour!

Jeff: I smell what happens when you mix together too many brands of toilet cleaner!

Jason: Ha ha ha!

Jeff: Stand back!

Jason: So now what?

Jeff: Well, we’re down South.

Jason: Uh oh. You have something else up your sleeve, I know it.

Jeff: And I’m in the mood for some more guitar.

Jason: Can’t I just send you a Tommy Emmanuel track?

Jeff: I have something caught in my beard.

Jason: Is it yesterday’s yogurt?

Jeff: Oh, would you look at that? It’s 38 Special!

Jason: slams head on desk

Jeff: Santa Claus needs a second chance, Jason. He knows he was wro-ooooooong, and he wants you back where you belong.

Jason: Great. Now “Second Chance” is in my head.

Jeff: Are you ready to have a wild-eyed Christmas night?

Jason: Does it even matter anymore?

Jeff: Absolutely not.

So listen, before we listen to this song, I want everyone to just sit and stare at the cover artwork for a minute.

null

Jeff: Do you see that?

I repeat. DO YOU FUCKING SEE THAT?

Jason: I’m trying not to look at it! It makes my stomach feel all funny!

Jeff: What says “Christmas” like eyeballs hanging from a tree?

Jason: Yeah, that cover is almost as creepy as the Lee Greenwood cover.

Jeff: As if it wasn’t weird enough that 38 Special was making a Christmas album in the first place.

Jason: Well, let’s listen to the track. And see if it’s as creepy as the cover.

Jeff: I can only hope.

38 Special — A Wild-Eyed Christmas Night (download)

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From Wild-Eyed Christmas Night Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Real drums! It’s a Mellowmas miracle!

Jason: Yeah! “All right, let’s do it!”

Jeff: When you hear that, you know no one’s going to do it.

Jason: Huh. Jeff, this…this isn’t that bad.

Jeff: You know, I think I may have to agree with you. I mean, okay, it’s hokey as hell.

Jason: Yeah, but most Christmas songs are.

Jeff: And there’s nothing Christmasy about it. And they namecheck themselves in the chorus. Which is terrible.

Jason: WHOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wild-eyed Christmas night!

Jeff: But all things considered, this could be much, much worse.

Jason: Well, the lyrics are Christmasy, you gotta give them that. They’re talking about mistletoe and other shit.

Jeff: It…actually sort of rocks.

Jason: I know!

Jeff: Solo! See? This is what I wanted.

Jason: This feels…not right, somehow. Not right for Mellowmas. This is kind of like when we covered Paul Carrack last year. We expected awful, and we got…not-awful.

Jeff: This guitar solo is giving me the strength I need to carry on. It’s also making me want to listen to my Gary Hoey Christmas CDs.

Jason: I love the Gary Hoey Christmas CDs! I mean, it’s probably not an awesome song, but in the context of Mellowmas? It’s pretty fucking great.

Jeff: Yeah, it deserves a Mellowmas Grammy of some kind.

Jason: Well, what the hell? Let’s give it to them.

Jeff: And the award for Song Better Than Its Album Artwork goes to 38 Special’s “A Wild-Eyed Christmas Night”!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! And the award for Band Least Likely To Put Out A Christmas Song That’s Not Adult Contemporary goes to 38 Special’s “Wild-Eyed Christmas Night”! And the award for Band Least Likely to be Able to Afford Real Horns and Drums goes to 38 Special’s “Wild Eyed Christmas Night”!

Jeff: YES! I was hoping they’d win that one!

Jason: How did this happen, Jeff? How did 38 Special wind up being Mellowmas heroes?

Jeff: It’s the magic of the season, my friend.

Jason: This is the question that could be asked in Alan O’Day’s Mellowmas song next year.

Jeff: Good idea — let’s ask Alan if he can write that down.

Jason: How awful to have your Mellowmas season rescued by 38 Special.

Jeff: It seems appropriate, somehow.

Jason: I feel wrong thinking, “Oh, thank God, 38 Special! I never dreamed you’d come!”

Jeff: Well, never let it be said that we don’t give Mellowmas credit where it’s due.

Jason: And there you have it, folks. Mellowmas Redeemed: The Story of 38 Special.

Jeff: If there’s one Mellowmas record you need to buy this year, it’s…38 Special’s Wild-Eyed Christmas Night.

Note: There are no Mellowmas records you need to buy this year.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

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Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

The Sixteenth Day of Mellowmas: Into the Ear of Mellowmas Madness

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Jason: So today’s track is from a David Foster Christmas album.

Jeff: Isn’t that perfect?

Jason: Anybody want to take a guess who suggested it?

Jeff: Ken! Ken Shane!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No, you fucknut! Terje! Terje Fjelde! The man behind Into the Ear of Madness, the weekly Foster-obessive series on Popdose!

Jeff: Oh riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! That dude!

Jason: I have no idea what to do with the “j’ in his last name, do you?

Jeff: You mean how to pronounce it?

Jason: I guess it’s a “y” sound?

Jeff: When I say it out loud, I pronounce it “Curtis Armstrong.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Okay, so Terje sends us an e-mail, and he says: “It’s an All-Star rendition of ‘White Christmas’ from David Foster’s 1993 Christmas album, with what no doubt is the most soulful delivery of the line ’sleighbells in the snow’ in the history of recorded music.

“With: Natalie Cole, Roberta Flack, Peabo Bryson, BeBe and CeCe Winans, Celine Dion (in French), Tom Jones, Vanessa Williams, Michael Crawford, Tammy Wynette, Johnny Mathis and Wynonna.”

Jeff: Nice!

Jason: And I looked on my hard drive, and it was already there. But what I can’t figure out is: how did I miss it before?

Jeff: Willpower? Luck? All of the above? What an incredible lineup.

Jason: Define “incredible.”

Jeff: “With tons of miserable potential.”

Jason: That’s what I thought you meant. Let’s go!

David Foster — White Christmas (download)

From The Christmas Album Amazon

Jason: Oh, those keyboards. That’s David Foster, all right.

Jeff: I’m in middle school all over again.

Jason: So I guess this is Natalie Cole. Sounds like Natalie Cole.

Jeff: Have I ever told you how much I fucking loathe Natalie Cole?

Jason: You have. I believe we attempted to do a Mellowmas track of hers last year, but it didn’t make the cut.

Jeff: Oh boy. Is that Peabo?

Jason: It ain’t Roberta Flack! I’m not going to recognize another voice until Tom Jones, I know it.

Jeff: Do you feel seasick?

Jason: I feel like David Foster is sucking the soul out of all the artists, and us as well.

Jeff: Oh, there’s Celine. Singing in FRENCH, the bitch.

Jason: I wish she sang in German.

Jeff: Go back to your own country!

Jason: Hey, don’t be a dick! Terje is foreign!

Jeff: This song is synthtastic!

Jason: Hey, there’s Tom Jones! How did he get involved? Wait, I bet the answer is in an “Into the Ear of Madness” post somewhere.

Jeff: There are SO MANY SYNTHS.

Jason: Which “sleighbells in the snow” line was the most soulful one? I think I was busy shoving cotton into my ears the first time around.

Jeff: I don’t know, I can’t think straight.

Jason: It’s like a “Voices That Care” Christmas carol.

Jeff: There’s too much going on here, and all of it sucks.

Jason: I hate it.

Jeff: BOLTON!

Jason: That was Bolton?

Jeff: Was it?

Jason: Shit! Two Bolton appearances this year?

Jeff: Wasn’t it? I don’t know.

Jason: I don’t know either. I don’t know anything anymore. Oh man, now they’re all riffing and shit. Rein ‘em in, Foster! These bitches work for YOU!

Jeff: I do know that David Foster thinks that 64 synth tracks plus some overdubbing equals holiday spirit.

Jason: Hey, fuck you, buddy! Do you have hits like David Foster? I didn’t THINK so!

Jeff: Diane Warren? Is that you?

Jason: It’s called “pop music” because it’s “popular”! Isn’t that what he’s been talking about this month while promoting his new book?

Jeff: I also know that if I’m ever hosting a holiday party and I want everyone to go home, I’m playing this.

I wonder if this song turns into “After the Love Is Gone” when you play it backwards.

Jason: Hey! Where the hell is Cetera? How did he get out of this? Doesn’t Foster own his soul?

Jeff: I think he was probably busy writing a check for half his assets to his ex-wife at the time.

Jason: Do you think Jason Scheff was knocking on the studio door?

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: “Peter, uh, can’t make it. Can I come in?” This is great. Now I’m picturing Jason Scheff suffocating Peter Cetera. This is actually the nicest thing I’ve thought about all Mellowmas.

Jeff: That’s a nice metaphor for Jason Scheff’s career, actually. “Peter isn’t here. Mind if I, uh, sing?”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha h!

Jeff: “You may know me from such hits as ‘Sounds Like That Other Chicago Song’ and ‘Same Damn Ballad All Over Again’.”

Jason: Well, that song’s over.

Jeff: wipes hands, hard drive

Jason: That was pretty terrible. Syrupy, schmaltzy, exactly what I expected, yet I’m still upset by it. Thanks a lot, Ken.

Jeff: There’s a Mellowmas continuum, you know? At one end is “Oh my God, that was actually pleasant.” In the middle is Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. At the other end is “That hurt to listen to.”

Jason: Where does this fall for you? I’m somewhere between the middle and end.

Jeff: I think this track was closer to the “hurts to listen to” end.

Jason: Before or after Singing Saw?

Jeff: Ugh.

Jason: I’m just asking.

Jeff: I don’t want to think about it.

Jason: Fair enough.

Jeff: Which I guess means that I like this song better than the Singing Saw.

Jason: Well, thanks, Terje, you’ve infected us all with Foster yet again.

Jeff: The Ear of Madness claims two more victims.

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