All posts tagged: Mellowmas

Fredlostok

The Twenty-Second Day of Mellowmas: VEIHNACHTEN!

Jason: Weren’t we talking recently about our lack of Mellowmas songs in other languages? Jeff: We totally were. You’re about to make me wish we weren’t, aren’t you? They can’t all be as much fun as gentle, pine-crotched Wolfgang C. Gmoser. Jason: Well, as you know, I mentally block out each of our chats after we have them. But I’m never going to forget VERGISSMEINNICHT. Jeff: God, who could forget VERGISSMEINNICHT? That shit was horrifying. Jason: Well, yeah. That’s what I remember. I don’t remember what it means at all. Other than nightmares for days. Jeff: It means “forget-me-not,” and I recall that the CD I ordered you was supposed to come with a “surprise on top.” Was it a lock of Benny Mardones’ hair? One of Timothy B. Schmit’s talons? I’ve wondered all these years. Jason: I think it was the tighty-whities from one of the guys in Ambrosia. Jeff: VERGISSMEINNICHT! Jason: In any case, I think I might have found another VERGISSMEINNICHT. Not that there can ever be another VERGISSMEINNICHT, but if there …

Rapping Santa

The Twenty-Fifth Day of Mellowmas: Ain’t It Funky

Jason: IT’S HERE! Jeff: Go away! Jason: MELLOWMAS MORN! Jeff: I don’t want to do this anymore! Jason: Looks like we maaaaaade it! Jeff: After all the hateful things you said yesterday, I’m afraid what “made it” means. What have you done, you sadist? Jason: Well, actually, it’s funny. I stayed up all night looking for something truly awful for you. But I actually couldn’t find anything. I mean, think about all the stuff that we’ve covered this year. Let’s do the ’80s sitcom flashback, shall we? Jeff: Ha ha ha! Let’s! Jason: Alexander O’Neal! The one song that was actually pretty good! Jeff: Don’t forget Wintley Phipps! Jason: Our buddy from Toehider! Jeff: Not as good as Alexander O’Neal or Wintley Phipps, but okay. Jason: And who could fourget the Consoultant? Jeff: Almost everyone who’s ever accidentally heard Consoultant! But not us, sadly. Jason: Remember when we Ralf’d, Jeff? Man, did we Ralf heartily. Jeff: Oh my goodness, yes. Jason: Our friends the Robertsons have gotten themselves into some trouble since we last heard …

Jesus Cake

The Twenty-Fourth Day of Mellowmas: The Reason for the Season

Jason: Our readers probably are aware that the holiday season starts much earlier for us. Sometimes even earlier than it starts at your local drug store. Jeff: Very true. I feel like we got kind of a late start this year, and we kicked off in…what, September? Jason: It might have even been after Halloween. It’s hard to remember, but I know there have been years where we’ve started in August. My point is that we are exposed to the crass commercialism of Christmas way earlier than either of us would like. Why do we do it? Because we hate all of you. Jeff: Is that why? I’ve lost track. Jason: I have a lot of hate in my heart, Jeff. Jeff: I feel like we’ve gotten to the point where we do it mostly because everyone expects us to and we’re too polite to say no. Well, actually that isn’t true. You say no every year. I just ignore you. Maybe I’m the one with the problem here. God, I need a drink. Jason: …

Kool and the Gang

The Twenty-Third Day of Mellowmas: Taint Sweat for the Holidays

Jeff: Ha ha! YES! It’s December 23rd. I’m virtually trembling with anticipation. Jason: SO CLOSE. SO GODDAMN CLOSE. Jeff: Mellowmas has made me yearn for Christmas like I haven’t since I was a kid! Jason: Mellowmas has made me yearn for an enclosed garage and a running vehicle. Jeff: Back in the early ’80s, when Reagan was in the White House and all the best bands were still on the radio. Jason: Oh, man. Don’t even get me started. Remember when you could flip to any radio station and just hear awesomeness? Jeff: I do. I totally do. Pop, rock, and R&B, all rubbing shoulders in the Top 40. And sometimes even on the same album! Jason: Yes! Music was…I don’t know. It was fresh. Exciting. Jeff: Me listening to Chicago, you to Kenny Rogers. Jason: It was so exciting to me. Jeff: Me listening to Christopher Cross, you to Air Supply. Jason: Both of us listening to Billy Joel. Jeff: I WAS JUST TYPING THAT. Jason: Love you. Jeff: I had Ruth Pointer’s Adam’s …

Crystal Money

The Twenty-Second Day of Mellowmas: The Money Shot

Jeff: So close, Jason. So close and yet so far. My big bottle of bourbon is almost empty. Jason: As is my juice box. Jeff: I don’t know if I can make it. Have we ever had a Mellowmas when we listened to this much weird outsider shit? Jason: I’ll make you a deal. I’ll shoot you, and then I’ll shoot myself. Jeff: In Colorado, right? It has to be in Colorado. Jason: There’s a diner with our name on it! But to answer your question: no, I don’t think so. I’m aware this is mostly my fault. I voted to go obscure this year. I think it’s because I was still reeling from last year’s Travolta-Newton-John travesty. Jeff: Suddenly I understand. So…I guess we probably aren’t going to listen to, like, Kelly Clarkson or Mary J. Blige today. Jason: I think that’s what everybody wants, but the truth is, that stuff is all fairly competent. I’m not saying it’s good, but I’m also not saying it’s bad. Jeff: This time of year, I crave …

Bright Eyes

The Twentieth Day of Mellowmas: Turn Around, Bright Eyes

Jason: Well, Jeff, Christmas is almost here. Jeff: Thank God. Every year, I write “MELLOWMAS IS OVER” on a little piece of paper, I put it in a box, and that’s my Christmas present. Jason: For me, it means I only have a little time left to listen to all of the Christmas music I’ve collected in 2013. As you know, I listen to, and rate, every song that comes my way. Jeff: That reminds me — I need to send you a new copy of the Bootsy Collins Christmas record to replace the one you lost. Jason: With the exception of that record, of course. I honestly don’t know why I do it anymore. It’s not like I need more Christmas music. It’s a compulsion. Jeff: I imagine you’re doing it as a desperate attempt to hang onto the spirit of Christmas, which has been ruined by this thing we do every December. Jason: You’re probably right on both counts. I think the worst part of it is that I download all of these …

Lee Shanel

The Nineteenth Day of Mellowmas: Elf on the Shanelf

Jeff: Oh, goddammit. Jason: What? What happened? Jeff: Nothing, I guess. I just hate shoveling snow. Jason: At least the snow you’re shoveling is white — here in Queens, it’s a very special shade of black. Jeff: Mine used to be white. Dave Lifton’s mother came over a couple of days ago, and she always squats on her way back out to the car. I won’t let her use my bathroom. It’s disgusting, but at least it’s outside. Jason: I’ve now met Dave Lifton’s mother, and I have to tell you: you are absolutely on-point. Jeff: I used to get so excited for a good snowstorm when I was a kid. Now I see one on the forecast and I start thinking about all the work I’ll have to do. Stupid winter. I wish I was in the Caribbean. Jason: Oh man, that’d be nice, wouldn’t it? Jeff: A nice ocean breeze…the sun on my face…the sand in my toes…a chalupa in my hand… Jason: The first chalupa reference of Mellowmas 2013!. Jeff: Well, now …