The Twenty-Fifth Day of Mellowmas: Rhymes with Falafel

Jason: JEFF!



Jeff: Dammit, I was hoping if I just sat here without moving, you’d think I was dead and go away.


Jeff: Time for the cyanide pill?

Jason: That’s ...

The Twenty-First Day of Mellowmas: Oh, Roland!

Jeff: We’re in the home stretch, buddy! Just a few more miserable days to go.

Jason: It feels like it’ll never end! Like Dave Lifton talking about Springsteen.

Jeff: We’re at the part of the Mellowmas season when it’s possible — but ...

The Twentieth Day of Mellowmas: The Christmas Tree!

Jeff: How many Christmas songs do you think we’ve listened to over the years?

Jason: You mean specifically for Mellowmas?

Jeff: Yeah, specifically for Mellowmas.

Jason: Funny you should ask. I’m a year into putting together a master Mellowmas database.

Jeff: “Master”


The Nineteenth Day of Mellowmas: Hot Ghetto Mess

Jeff: It’s like this, Jason.


Goodbye, you jerk.

Jeff: [grabs Jason by his collar while his adorable feet windmill off the ground]

The thing is this: Recording technology has come ...

The Eighteenth Day of Mellowmas: It Takes a Village

Jason: Jeff, you know what this holiday is missing?

Jeff: The sight of me leaving?

Jason: Close! A song by Victor Willis, one of the original members of the Village People.

Jeff: I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. ...

The Seventeenth Day of Mellowmas: Sheer Misery

Jason: You ever wonder if we’re having too much fun?

Jeff: Are you high? It’s Mellowmas. No, jerkoff. I never wonder that.

Jason: I mean, clearly there’s some reason we keep coming back to this holiday, right?

Jeff: For me, it’s 50 ...

The Thirteenth Day of Mellowmas: Blame the Parents

Jason: You and I have been together for a real long time now.

Jeff: This is true, but I feel like if I agree, things are about to get mean.

Jason: I was just thinking about the first time you said those ...

The Eleventh Day of Mellowmas: Grit Kissers

Jason: As you know, Jeff, I feel bad for some of these artists that we listen to. They just always seem to try so hard.

Jeff: “Always”

I’m not as forgiving as you, but I do know what you mean.

Jason: Like, ...

The Tenth Day of Mellowmas: Pine Cone Crotch

Jeff: I’ve been thinking, Jason.

Jason: There has been no thinking going on since December 1st. You’ve been doing something, I know. But it’s not thinking.

Jeff: I mean, the holidays are for everyone, right? People of all nationalities. All creeds. And ...

The Ninth Day of Mellowmas: Pepe Le Mellowmas

Jeff: Jason! What’s black and white and has joybells?

Jason: A penguin that sat on a Christmas tree? I know that’s a lame answer, but I feel like you’ll call me a racist if I answer with anything else.

Jeff: You’re absolutely ...

The Eighth Day of Mellowmas: Subterranean Mellowmas Blues

Jason: I don’t think we should share with our readers how the Mellowmas sausage is made, but they probably know we just scour the Internet for weeks on end, adding our “favorite” songs to a Mellowmas playlist.

Jeff: The worst playlist in ...

The Fifth Day of Mellowmas: Der Weihnachtstanz

Jeff: Ugh, Jason. I drank to numb the pain of yesterday’s songs, and now I don’t feel so good.

Jason: That’s funny, because I feel like shit from the pain of yesterday’s songs, and I didn’t drink at all.

Jeff: I think ...

The Fourth Day of Mellowmas: Carol of the Gimp Bells

Jeff: Oh, the weather outside is frightful, Jason. So much snow. So much shoveling.

Jason: Good. I hope you get trapped under a snow bank.

Jeff: I hate all the work winter entails up here in New Hampshire, and yet I almost ...

The Second Day of Mellowmas: Do You Hear My Safe Word?

Jeff: T minus 24, Jason.

Jason: Oh, I know. I’ve scratched it into my wall like I’m in jail. Mellowmas is the new black.

Jeff: Your wife likes it when you wear an orange jumpsuit, doesn’t she?

Jason: As long as I ...

The Twenty-Fifth Day of Mellowmas: Ain’t It Funky

Jason: IT’S HERE!

Jeff: Go away!


Jeff: I don’t want to do this anymore!

Jason: Looks like we maaaaaade it!

Jeff: After all the hateful things you said yesterday, I’m afraid what “made it” means. What have you ...

The Twenty-Third Day of Mellowmas: Taint Sweat for the Holidays

Jeff: Ha ha! YES! It’s December 23rd. I’m virtually trembling with anticipation.


Jeff: Mellowmas has made me yearn for Christmas like I haven’t since I was a kid!

Jason: Mellowmas has made me yearn for an ...

The Twenty-Second Day of Mellowmas: The Money Shot

Jeff: So close, Jason. So close and yet so far.

My big bottle of bourbon is almost empty.

Jason: As is my juice box.

Jeff: I don’t know if I can make it. Have we ever had a Mellowmas when we listened ...

The Twentieth Day of Mellowmas: Turn Around, Bright Eyes

Jason: Well, Jeff, Christmas is almost here.

Jeff: Thank God. Every year, I write “MELLOWMAS IS OVER” on a little piece of paper, I put it in a box, and that’s my Christmas present.

Jason: For me, it means I only have ...

The Nineteenth Day of Mellowmas: Elf on the Shanelf

Jeff: Oh, goddammit.

Jason: What? What happened?

Jeff: Nothing, I guess. I just hate shoveling snow.

Jason: At least the snow you’re shoveling is white — here in Queens, it’s a very special shade of black.

Jeff: Mine used to be white. ...