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Monday, December 15th, 2008

The Fifteenth Day of Mellowmas: Dollytoe!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Last year, on the Fifteenth Day of Mellowmas, we tortured ourselves by listening to Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton sing “I Believe in Santa Claus.” So what better way to celebrate the anniversary of that horrible day by listening to another track from the same album?

Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton — A Christmas to Remember (download)

From Once Upon a Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: Oh man

Jeff: Now THIS is Mellowmas.

Jason: I can’t believe we’re dipping in the Kenny and Dolly well again. After last year’s torturous “I Believe in Santa Claus.”

Jeff: It’s a deep well, Jason.

Jason: Oooh! Opening with the chorus! Nice choice!

Jeff: Here come those harmonies! What a Christmas to remember! I wonder what made it so memorable? Let’s find out.

Jason: Oh, so synthesized. So very, very synthesized.

Jeff: Dolly was fantasizing about a fast-talking lover, but…Kenny made it a Christmas to…oh, God.

Jason: I have no idea what happened in the first verse. I wasn’t listening. But apparently whatever happened made it a Christmas to remember.

Jeff: They’re humping.

Jason: Really?

Jeff: Strangers as we met, lovers as we leave.

Jason: Don’t get lost, Kenny!

You make this a Christmas to remember! Springtime feelings in the middle of December! They kissed each other warm and tender!

Jeff: My stomach feels like it has a bucket full of Kenny’s chicken in it.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! They loved and laughed and played and choked!
I mean, joked!

Jeff: Maybe Dolly just choked? Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Jason: “Can we do this next winter?”

Jeff: “Though the fire is hot, we’ll just have to let it simmer!” Oh, this is so skeevy.

Jason: What, the thought of Kenny and Dolly making love? Hm. Yeah, they’re definitely talking about making love throughout Christmas.

Jeff: Not only that, but it’s a random hookup.

Oh, sweet, sweet fadeout… I thought you’d never come…

Jason: Oh, you think this is over, Jeff? You think you’re ready to forget this song?

Jeff: I was ready three minutes ago!

Jason: You’re mistaken. After all, this is a Christmas to remember.

Jeff: Don’t tell me you found a video. PLEASE.

Jason: HO HO HO HO HO HO!

Jeff: Do NOT tell me…

Jason: “‘A Christmas to Remember’ is from a classic CBS TV special titled Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas to Remember that originally aired on December 2, 1984.”

Jeff: I have a bad, bad feeling about this.

Jason: Mannequins!

Jeff: Mannequins?

Jason: What the fuck is going on?

Jeff: Why?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Dollytoe!

Jason: Dolly is jerking Kenny’s boots off! Holy shit, he’s getting naked in the lodge!

Jeff: So much hair…

Jason: This is AWESOME!!!!

Jeff: I’m stunned, Jason.

Jason: He’s playing peek-a-boo with the mannequins!

Jeff: This encapsulates everything Mellowmas is about so perfectly that I want to die.

Jason: I’m so happy I found this. I have made this a Christmas to remember.

Jeff: The sequined vest, the snow pants, Kenny’s beard…

Jason: The snow pants! Oh, the snow pants! Mannequins everywhere! For some unknown fucking reason! Oh god, I hope they start having sex with a mannequin.

Jeff: Maybe it’s a metaphor for something. Like for the fact that everyone associated with this must have been stoned out of their entire bodies.

Jason: Man, Kenny and Dolly really got a lot of mileage out of this fake relationship, didn’t they? Wait, did he just knock a fucking mannequin off the piano bench?

Jeff: I guess that was a real person.

Jason: They ended with rubbing noses!??! Where’s the mannequin sex?

Jeff: “Yeah the Mannequins are a little odd in the video but I liked how they put the real one in there to try and fool yah at the piano.”

Jason: That was a real person?

Jeff: That’s from YouTube commenter “HolidayFavs4Me.”

Jason: I actually went back and watched again. It WAS a real person.

Jeff: Jason, this is the grossest Mellowmas song ever.

Jason: Hmm. I wonder who picked this song for Mellowmas? Who could it have been?

Jeff: Andy Williams.

Jason: Was it…Terje? No. Was it…Will? No. Was it…wait, who else is on our staff?

Jeff: Yes! Yes it was! It was Will Harris!

Jason: No, it wasn’t. We both know who it was.

It was KEN.

Jeff: Oh, that’s right. Ken Shane picked it. He loves this stuff.

Jason: Let’s give out his e-mail address. And his home phone number.

Jeff: I think he’s out of town for a few weeks. Sitting in a chalet filled with mannequins.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, let’s come clean. Be honest. YOU picked this track. YOU made this a Christmas to remember.

Jeff: It’s true, I did. I was doing something else while it played the first time, and I nearly got whiplash when I realized what was going on in the lyrics. I think I may have broken a dish.

Jason: Kenny and Dolly, knockin’ winter boots.

Jeff: Rubbin’ snow pants. shudder

Jason: I don’t think it’s as good as last year’s track, because last year’s track had a video of Kenny dressed as Santa Claus. Although there’s something pretty awesome about his ski pants.

Jeff: He looks like a My Buddy doll. My Kenny! My Kenny! Wherever I go, he’s gonna go!

Jason: Kenny’s Roasters and Me!

Say what you want, this was kind of awesome, Jeff.

Jeff: It was 100% Mellowmas.

Jason: Exactly.

Jeff: John Denver dueting with Fogelberg couldn’t have nailed it any harder.

Jason: We can end here, but I’m going to go back and watch the part where Dolly takes off his boots again.

Jeff: You need help, my friend. I love Mellowmas, but I’m never watching that again.

Jason: By the way, “Dollytoe” is one of the funniest things I’ve heard all year.

Jeff: Thank you, thank you.

Jason: Now it’s time for us to go, Jeff, as our hearts melt like chimney snow. There’s just one thing I want to know: can we do this next winter?

Jeff: Though the fire is hot, we’ll just have to let it simmer!

Jason: Actually, fuck next winter. Can we do this again tomorrow?

Jeff: What the hell. I’ve got nothing going on.

Jason: We do have, like, ten days left or something!

Jeff: Really? Isn’t it Mellowmas Eve yet?

Jason: Wishful thinking on your part. Wishful thinking on everyone’s part.

Jeff: Don’t I hear sleigh bells jingling?

Jason: Oh, that’s your mom. She’s over here jumping on my bed.

Jeff: Why, that’s even grosser than Kenny and Dolly sharing sequins in the chalet!

Jason: I asked her to wear the sleigh bells, but it was her idea to wear the harness. She made this a Christmas to remember. And it’s going to last until I finish these antibiotics.

Jeff: Oh, it’ll last well past that. She’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Jason: Oh ooooh woah! What a Christmas!

Jeff: Hey, that reminds me — your mom left her teeth here last time she came over. Can I send them to you? I don’t want your dad to know.

Jason: Oh, you can just throw them in the fire. They’re made of wood.

Jeff: I figure you can just tell him she took them out at the Firefall concert.

Jason: I have no response. You’ve taken a Mellow Gold artist’s name in vain. NOW you’ve crossed the line.

Jeff: Now I have this damn song stuck in my head. Out! Out! Out! I need to listen to “Tom’s Diner” or something…

Jason: Hooray! Hopefully our readers have the same problem. If they do, I suggest they go back to Day One and listen to “Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a merry Mellowmas…” And don’t worry, folks, only 24 hours before another shitty song is in your head. Don’t say we never gave you anything for Mellowmas!

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Sunday, December 14th, 2008

The Fourteenth Day of Mellowmas: Sweet Little Andymas

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Congratulations!  You’ve made it through two full weeks of Mellowmas, uh, cheer!  Can you handle 11 more days?  You’ll have to get through today first, as we once again piss on a national institution…

Jason: Jeff, I feel kind of weird about this. Andy Williams? I mean, he sings “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.” That’s, like, a classic. When I think of certain kinds of sweaters, I think of Andy Williams. He’s a true classic.

Jeff: Fats Domino did a lot of classics, too.

Jason: Shit. You just schooled me. Let’s listen, sweet little Jesus boy.

Andy Williams — Sweet Little Jesus Boy (download)

From The Andy Williams Christmas Album Amazon iTunes

Jason: Oh. OH.

Jeff: Get out!

Jason: Okay. I guess I see what you’re saying.

Jeff: Get out of my ear!

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jason: They made you be born in a manger!

Jeff: God, this song feels like a wet willie!

Jason: We didn’t know whooooooo yooooooooou werrrrrrrre!

Jeff: It’s taking everything I have not to claw the earphones out of my ears.

Jason: I bet we piss off some readers with this post. I bet there are some readers who love this song. I am not one of them.

Jeff: I am drowning in syrup.

Jason: This song is being sung directly to Jesus as a baby, I guess. Which makes me wish there were noises of baby Jesus farting or something. Speaking of, and I know I’m going off-topic here, but how come the only Mellowmas song to feature a fart sound has been Alan O’Day’s? That seems weird to me.

Jeff: I suppose it depends on your definition of “fart.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Also, I keep looking at the album cover, which is the scariest thing I’ve seen in awhile.


Jason: The album cover is sort of sinister, isn’t it? It’s like the look Michael Jackson gives the camera at the end of the longform “Thriller” video.

Jeff: Yes, it is sinister. That’s exactly what it is. And now he’s talking about how Jesus died, and begging his forgiveness. Is Andy Williams that old? Was he there when Jesus died?

Jason: When did Andy Williams die, anyway? Let me look it up.

HOLY SHIT! He’s still ALIVE!!!

Jeff: He’s still alive! He’s kicking it with Jim Nabors, yo!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Did we bet against Jim Nabors being alive last year? We did, didn’t we?

Jeff: We did. You were supposed to play the Nabors track at full volume in your office. Of course, this year, you don’t work in an office anymore. Coincidence? I think not.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Maybe if I play “Sweet Little Jesus Boy” really loud, I’ll close my eyes and wind up back in an office.

Jeff: A therapist’s office!

Jason: I have no doubt this song has sinister powers. Like Andy’s FACE.

Jeff: Now look, Andy Williams fans, I know he’s done some holiday greats. But can any of you argue with a straight face that this is one of them?

Jason: He has done some holiday greats. Like I said, “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” is an amazing song. Johnny Mathis’ version can’t hold a candle to it, and yes, I know that Johnny Mathis did a popular cover of it, shut up.

Jeff: I just can’t get over the fact that some graphic designer somewhere thought it would be festive to drench everything in red and then put a picture of Andy Williams leering on the cover.

Jason: Leering. Yes. Like Keith Sweat.

Jeff: Ha! It’s awful. It reminds me of a scene from some ’60s movie where someone’s having a bad drug trip.

Jason: Muah hah hah hah hah hah! I’ve come to eat your children! Hey, you know what’s delicious?

Jeff: McNuggets?

Jason: SWEET LITTLE JESUS BOY!!! YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM

Jeff: Oh, right. Him. I’m picturing Andy Williams staggering, zombie-style, into the manger in his tux. Leering at baby Jesus with a little bit of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. His hair, naturally, is perfect. And he’s singing this song.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: It actually makes me want to listen to “Sweet Little Jesus Boy” again, in a weird way.

Jason: Reign of terror! Reign of terror!

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha! I’d like to hear Andy Williams cover that!

Jason: Sorry, that song is still ringing in my ears from yesterday.

Jeff: You know what? I’d like to hear Andy Williams cover everything. Everything we’ve heard this year.

Jason: Let’s make a list of songs we want Andy Williams to cover.

“Ride Like the Wind.”

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: “No Diggity.” “Cum On Feel The Noize.”

Jeff: Imagine if we had that kind of power? The kind of power to compel our “favorite” artists to cover songs of our choosing? Gosh, that would be great.

Jason: Well, we DID get Alan O’Day to write and record a Mellowmas song. So maybe we do have the power.

Jeff: Hmm. Maybe we do.

Jason: You should see me right now. I have a sinister look in my eye.

Jeff: Are the walls in your apartment red?

Jason: Everything is red, Jeff. Except for my tuxedo.

Jeff: Hey, great idea — you should paint the place red before your wife comes home.

Jason: And then just sit in a chair, leering at her?

Jeff: With this song playing.

Jason: Crooning “Sweet Little Jesus Boy”? Sweeeeeeet little Jeeeeeeeesus boyyyyyyyy…

Jeff: I have to say, much as I hate this song, I have to give Andy props for being able to squeeze 30 seconds out of every damn note.

Jason: That’s a good point.

Jeff: It would be under two minutes if he hadn’t done that.

Jason: Maybe each note took so long because he was drooling blood or something. It fits with the album cover. I’m just saying.

I looked up some fun facts on Andy Williams on Wikipedia, Jeff. Check this out:

A persistent rumor states that Andy Williams, while a teenager, provided the dubbed singing voice of Lauren Bacall for her song “How Little We Know” in the movie To Have and Have Not. Bacall herself addressed it in her autobiography, stating that Williams did dub a couple of high notes for her, not the whole song.

That’s just awesome.

Jeff: Oh, wow. High notes? This guy?

Jason: As a teenager! Wait, here’s another one.

He was the sponsor of the letter ‘W’ for the 1978 restoration of the famous Hollywood Sign in Hollywood.

Jeff: chokes

Fucker, I have water all over my shirt now…

Jason: I’m not making these up! That’s the truth! Without Andy, it’s just be Hollyood! Wait, one more for you.

It is widely believed that Andy is half werewolf.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Okay, maybe I made that one up. But it’s not so far fetched, is it? LOOK AT THAT COVER, PEOPLE!

Jeff: Andy was present at both the birth and execution of Jesus Christ.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Andy has settled into comfortable retirement on the macadamia farm of his longtime lover, Jim Nabors.

Jason: Oh man, now you’ve got me clamoring for The Andy Williams and Jim Nabors Holiday Special: A Very Metamucil Christmas.

Jeff: I think their voices would go really well together.

Jason: Each song would be approximately ten minutes. But oh! The sweaters!

Jeff: Throw in Barry White, and you’d have yourself a regular Tuvan monk choir.

Jason: Look at the picture from his Wikipedia page.

Jeff: Ooh. Andy.

Jason: Is that smoke at the bottom? Like, demon smoke? Or is it dust?

Jeff: I think it’s a baby fart.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! His last album was called I Don’t Remember Ever Growing Up.

Jeff: (Or Anything Else)

Jason: Isn’t that perfect? Because I bet he doesn’t.

Jeff: It is.

Jason: Because it was so long ago, when he was with Sweet Little Jesus Boy.

Jeff: It’s also perfect that he’s performing in Branson now. Branson, MO: Where Hokey Acts Go to Die.

Jason: Are you kidding? He built the theater FOR those acts!

Jeff: So he could collect their skeletons!

Jason: Williams has recorded eight Christmas albums over the years and has been penned as “Mr. Christmas.” EIGHT! EIGHT CHRISTMAS ALBUMS!

Jeff: Wow.

Jason: Mellowmas 2009, here we come!

Jeff: A Month of Andy!

Jason: The Twenty-Five Days of Andymas!

With gratitude, as always, to Terje Fjelde — graphic designer extraordinaire — for making all of our Popdose dreams come true.

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Saturday, December 13th, 2008

The Thirteenth Day of Mellowmas: Hayo! Haya!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

We know, we know: sure, Mellowmas is filled with Christmas dreck — but what about the Jews?  Well, today, the Jews be representin’.  Although after hearing this one, you may want to renounce religion altogether.

Peter, Paul & Mary — Hayo, Haya (download)

From A Holiday Celebration With the New York Choral Society Amazon iTunes

Jason: “Hayo, Haya.”

Jeff: What does that even mean?

Jason:Is this an Outkast cover?

Jeff: Ha ha ha! I hope so!

Jason: God, how awesome would that be?

Jeff: I’d love it. Let’s e-mail them and tell them to do it. Mellow Gold musicians take our advice seriously now.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Shit, who let the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in here?

Jason: It’s actually the New York Choral Society.

Jeff: SPEAK ENGLISH!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Way to rip on Hebrew, Jeff!

Jeff: You can’t fool me. They’re all the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Reign of terror?
Oh, no.

Jason: Reign of terror! Reign of terror!

Jeff: Are we back in Sarajevo, Jason?

Jason: Pain forever! Pain forever! It’s like…they’re talking about Mellowmas!

Jeff: I feel cold. This is what you guys sing about on Hanukkah? No wonder everyone likes Christmas better. Blood, terror, and Hebrew. Minor keys.

Jason: This is why nobody remembers songs by the Jews. We’re always like, “yeah, happy holiday, but don’t forget how bad it was, and how bad it could have been.”

Jeff: Burn the Torah? No! Ash and smoke!

Jason: Crushed menorah! Crushed menorah!

Jeff: Oh my G-d, this is horrible!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is why suicide rates are higher during the holidays.

Jeff: I can’t believe they performed this during a holiday concert. Why not something nice, like “Rock of Ages”? What a fucking downer! Way to go, Peter, Paul & Mary!

Jason: Hang on, I’m looking at the track list. Yeah, it’s all filled with marginally happy songs.

Jeff: This album is supposed to be some kind of classic.

Jason: But no “Here Comes Santa Claus.”

Jeff: What the fuck are you people clapping about? The burning of the Torah?
Assholes!

Jason: Reign of terror! Reign of terror!

Jeff: Oh, man. I feel like crying now.

Jason: Today you are a Jew.

Jeff: Even more than when I listen to Peter, Paul & Mary songs that aren’t this one.

Jason: I feel kind of bad ripping on Peter, Paul & Mary.

Jeff: What for?

Jason: I don’t know. It seems wrong somehow.

Jeff: I understand why you felt bad when we ripped on your friends in the Starland Vocal Band.

Jason: Yeah, I still feel bad about that one. It’s like ripping on Pete Seeger.

Jeff: No, no, no. Pete Seeger is a hero.

Jason: Peter, Paul & Mary aren’t in that boat? I thought they were.

Jeff: Peter, Paul & Mary are just three old farts who don’t know how to have a good time during the holidays. Although I do sort of wish they’d do a Christmas concert with Judy Collins. Imagine the harmonies we’d hear during “Song for Sarajevo”!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! They actually had a Christmas concert at Carnegie Hall last week. My mother-in-law wanted to go. I couldn’t get tickets, believe it or not.

Jeff: It was sold out? They sold out Carnegie Hall?

Jason: Well, close. Only bad seats in the upper balcony were left.

Jeff: Good Lord.

Jason: Either they sold out or the good seats were all reserved for season ticketholders.

Jeff: Economic crisis, my ass.

Jason: I mean, it is Carnegie Hall. Hey, I wonder if they had a special appearance by the Singing Saw? Seems apropos, no?

Jeff: I can hear that, actually.

Jason: Seriously. What says “reign of terror” more than a singing saw?

Jeff: Judy, Peter, Paul & Mary, and the goddamn Singing Saw. Say, how flammable is Carnegie Hall, anyway?

Jason: And then Lee Greenwood comes out! In his stars & stripes jacket! He doesn’t actually say anything.

Jeff: No, I don’t think he would.

Jason: He just comes out, waves a flag, and leaves.

Jeff: I think he’d punch Julian Koster right in his singing saw.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Man, is Lee Greenwood the best we’ve heard this year? Because it hurts me to type that.

Jason: Define “the best.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha! “Unshittiest.”

Jason: Hm.

Jeff: I think he might be.

Jason: It’s hard to say. I’ve lost all objectivity.

Jeff: We need to find this year’s Paul Carrack, and pronto.

Jason: Yeah, we may be out of luck.

Well, this was a downer, wasn’t it. Happy holidays, but DON’T YOU EVER FORGET THE REIGN OF TERROR.

Jeff: When you’re opening your gifts this year, REMEMBER THE BLOOD AND CRUSHED MENORAHS.

Jason: CRUSHED MENORAH! CRUSHED MENORAH! TRAMPLED CHILDREN! TRAMPLED CHILDREN!

Actually, I don’t think that last one is in there. But it could be, right?

Jeff: Sure! A few trampled children never hurt a song, right?

Jason: Not one like this!

Jeff: I think I heard that line in an Outkast number once, actually. Heyyyyyyyyyyy Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Jason: There are so many lines you could put in there.

BANGED YOUR MOTHER! BANGED YOUR MOTHER!
Hayo!
Haya!

Jeff:

FIND A CLINIC! FIND A CLINIC!
Hayo!
Haya!

Jason: I mean, almost anything fits. ATE A TACO! ATE A TACO!

Jeff: Except for, like, a little fucking holiday cheer. Even Al Jarreau managed that, and he was high.

Jason: Thanks a lot, Peter, Paul & Mary. I’m taking this song and sticking it in my Spyro Gyra.

Jeff: Hayo!

Jason: Haya!

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Friday, December 12th, 2008

The Twelfth Day of Mellowmas: A Very New Kids Arseniomas

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Not much to say, everybody.  This is simply one of the worst days yet.

New Kids on the Block — Funky, Funky, Xmas (download)

From Merry, Merry Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: Ho, ho, ho! No, no, no!

Jeff: Oh, little train? My little elf?

Jason: What fresh hell is this?

Jeff: Are the New Kids missing teeth?

Jason: Why, oh WHY do the New Kids think they’re black?

Jeff: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh God.

Jason: Oh man. This song is five minutes.

Jeff: No it isn’t.

Jason: It is.

Jeff: Stop it.

Jason: You picked this, asshole. We could have listened to the single, “This One’s For the Children.”

Jeff: Jordan K feels so Christmasy? What happened here? I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this song.

Jason: I don’t get it. Didn’t NKOTB have Maurice Starr governing their every move? Where the hell were you, Maurice?

Jeff: Did you hear them ask Santa to kick the ballistics? And…what’s with the fake English accent? MC Santa?

Jason: And here’s the other problem. They’re telling us to have a “funky, funky Christmas,” yet this song is absolutely devoid of funk.

Jeff: Honestly, we’ve heard some strange stuff over the last few years, but I think this is the first time one of our conversations has been 90% questions.

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: And you’re right, there’s no funk here. At all.

Jason: Fresh rhymes, I’m throwin’.

Jeff: Oh no! Danny D is rhyming!

Jason: Wait a minute. His name is Danny Wood. Isn’t that Danny W?

Jeff:

It’s Danny D I’m here with Christmas cheer
no feeling to end the party of the year
it’s going I’m showing fresh rhymes I’m throwing
it’s snowing outside but we ho-ho-hoing
Santa’s on the way, sleigh bells are ringing, swinging, everybody start singing

Jason: Uh…I mean, I think that’s his name. I, uh, don’t really know.

Jeff: Do you see that?

Jason: I don’t see it. I’m pretending you never typed it.

Jeff: I think he has bigger problems than the correct initials.

Here’s MC Santa Claus again.
Kicking the goddamn ballistics.

Jason: What is with this elf Little Train bullshit? Oh man, he just name-checked Maurice.

Jeff: You were right, this is five minutes long.

Jason: Maurice was probably in the Cayman Islands, counting his money.

Jeff: Maurice was probably laughing his ass off. This song sounds like someone lost a bet.

Jason: I’m not even positive that Maurice knew this album was released.

Jeff: Like, the engineer didn’t think Maurice could make them do this song. And he was all like, “Watch me make these little honkies sing for their supper.” And then he wrote this ’song’ on the back of a napkin.

Jason: I disagree. I think this song is an example of Donnie or whomever being like, “hey, we’re real artists. And we identify with real soul. Let us rap.” And Maurice was probably thinking, “You guys are fucking idiots,” but then he checked his account balance at the bank and decided that they couldn’t possibly do enough harm with just one song.

Jeff: Mmm hmm. I almost wish I had the liner notes in front of me, so I could check for the inevitable “beats programmed by Donnie Wahlberg” credit.

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: I was just reading something the other day about how tweenage girls are the dumbest human beings on the planet, and this kind of proves it.

Jason: Man. If only…If only we could watch a video of these d-bags performing this song. Perhaps live, on The Arsenio Hall Show.

Oh wait! It’s our lucky day! Merry Christmas, little Jefito train!

Jeff: You bastard.

Jason: Ho, ho, ho!

Jeff: What the fuck is Arsenio wearing? Did he steal one of Michael Jackson’s jackets?

Jason: Ooh, look at those dance moves!

Jeff: Did the New Kids do the same dance for every song?

Jason: Of course they did! *Nsync hadn’t raised the bar yet. Listen to that audience. They can’t get enough.

Jeff: Put on a shirt, you little dick!

Jason: Wait a minute. Aren’t there five members? I only see four.

Jeff: THIS IS HORRIBLE

Jason: Where is Jonathan? I mean, uh…the guy that’s missing? Fuck, I am totally coming out of the closet today.

Jeff: Holy shit, would you look at the little one…I think he stole Anthony Geary’s perm from 1985.

Jason: Hey Joey, you know what’d look good on you? A mustard-colored shirt, buttoned up to the top.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Seriously, Jeff. There’s a guy missing.

Jeff: Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I only know that the guy who I think ended up selling real estate is now rapping.

Jason: Hey, it’s the goon New Kid! Danny! The ugly one! He should join a band with Ike Hanson.

Jeff: I’m sorry, I can’t ignore this anymore. Why do you know this shit? Do you have this CD? Wait, were you in the studio when this was taped?

Jason: Shhhh, Arsenio’s joining them.

Jeff: I want to die!

Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Arsenio just name-checked LL Cool J! LL Cool J probably wanted to kill himself!

Jeff: They’re creating a whirling vortex of anti-funk! If it touches funk, it will destroy the universe!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Oh, man. Never have I wanted to slap you harder than I do right now.

Jason: Why? You picked this song, dickhole!

Jeff: But you found the video! The video made it worse! The New Kids + Chunky A – fat suit = worse!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Chunky A!

Jeff: Looks like you were right, by the way. Arsenio said “These are the New Kids, minus one.” Which one? I have no idea.

Jason: It was Jonathan. Who doesn’t know the names of these five guys? I don’t want to know them, but I do, and there’s nothing I can do about it. The same way I know every word to “Tell It to My Heart.” It’s just something that I can’t erase from my brain.

Jeff: Me. I don’t know the names of those five buttholes.

Jason: Yeah, but you know the names of all the session musicians on Chiicago’s albums in the ’80s. It’s the same thing.

Jeff: It is NOT the same thing. Those were actual, hardworking musicians.

Jason: You are lame. Like me. In a different way, but laaaaaame. This is why we’re married.

Jeff: The New Kids are why? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I feel like I need a drink.

Jason: Don’t be such a baby.

Jeff: I feel like I should have had one before I watched that, actually.

Jason: Just remember who started this whole thing. It was you.

Jeff: No, look, in all seriousness, here’s the thing about this shitty song.

Jason: Lay it on me.

Jeff: Much of what we hear during Mellowmas is very bad, right?

Jason: Yes.

Jeff: But it’s sincere. At least it’s sincere. This, on the other hand, is crass.

Jason: You don’t think they sincerely wanted us to have a funky, funky Christmas? I totally got the vibe that they really wanted us to have a funky, funky, Christmas. They just didn’t have the self-awareness to know that they couldn’t possibly give it to us.

Jeff: It’s the sound of bad people who want to get richer. AND IT WORKED.

Jason: Yeah, but I don’t think they were like, “we suck, but the public will buy anything.” I think they were like, “We’re on top of the world, and we can do anything, and we’re funky, dammit.” They were wrong, but I think they came from an earnest place. And earnest is the underlying theme of all Mellowmas.

Jeff: You’re quite naive, aren’t you? You don’t even know when a New Kid is trying to pick your pocket. How have you survived in New York for so long?

Jason: I’m naive? Do you KNOW the shit I’ve listened to over the past three Mellowmasses?

Jeff: Of course I do!

Jason: You know what? This isn’t worth it. I’m not going to fight with you over NKOTB and Mellowmas. Let’s end this right now. Just do me one favor.

Jeff: Uh oh.

Jason: One tiny favor before we go. Please?

Jeff: Um…What is it?

Jason: Have a funky, funky Christmas.

Jeff: sigh

Jason: BOOOOO-YA!

Jeff: All right. I will have a funky, funky Christmas.

Jason: Thank you.

Jeff: I may also kick the ballistics. Just one time, though.

Jason: Thank you, little train.

Jeff: No problem, my elf.

Jason: No, little train IS the elf. You didn’t listen at all!

Jeff: Shit.

Jason: Here we go again!

Jeff: Nooo! Not again!

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Thursday, December 11th, 2008

The Eleventh Day of Mellowmas: A New Jack Mellowmas

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Day Eleven!  Are you exhausted?  We know we’re exhausted.  But the Mellowmas show must go on.  Stay strong, readers!  And get yo’ groove on!

Freddie Jackson — Christmas Forever (download)

From The Greatest Hits of Freddie Jackson Amazon iTunes

Jason: oooh YEAH!

Jeff: Oh wow.

Jason: Funk-ay! New Jack SWANG!

Jeff: See, this is what I think of when I think of terrible Christmas music. Happy Holidays from Casio!

Jason: This is terrible? I love this! I’m groovin’ in my chair!

Jeff: Everybody IS laughing, Freddie.

Jason: Every little step I take! You…will…be…there…Wait, this isn’t Bobby Brown?

Jeff: Mama’s making everyone’s favorite recipe!

Jason: Wow, she’s gonna be in the kitchen for a while!

Christmas forever!
Let’s stay together!

Jeff: I pray we never let Christmas slip away!

Jason: Oooh yeah, Jeff.

Jeff: Freddie is FEELING this.

Jason: So am I. Why did you choose this? Were you hoping for something similar to last year’s Keith Sweat incident?

Jeff: I suppose I was. You can’t get much better than “Joy to Keith Sweat! Keith Sweat has come.”

Jason: “Hark the herald Freddie Jackson sings” doesn’t have the same ring to it. And Freddie doesn’t seem to be sexing us up the way Keith was.

Jeff: Well, no, Freddie isn’t sexing us up quite that way, but he sure is trying hard. Freddie gets an A for effort.

Jason: You should see me right now. I’m doing the whitest dance imaginable.

Jeff: Well, hey, it’s the special day that makes the world feel as one. Why wouldn’t you?

Two Freddies!

Jason: He just slipped “Christ” in there somewhere. It was subtle. A subtle Jesus Christ mention. Boy, does he want to be Luther Vandross or what?

Jeff: How many Freddies did we get in that fadeout?

Jason: I think at least three.

Jeff: I picture him in his garage studio in Secaucus, frantically overdubbing all afternoon.

Jason: I really didn’t think that was so bad. You didn’t like it? I mean, it wasn’t a Christmas classic, but I enjoyed the groove.

Jeff: Well, no, not really. But mainly because it was so ordinary, not because there was anything really awful about it. I mean, Freddie can sing, and his heart is in the right place. And he doesn’t leer at us on the cover the way Keith Sweat did.

Jeff: Still, it kind of feels like he had a leftover groove that he never wrote lyrics for, and he maybe forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present.

Jason: Ha! That’s totally it, I bet. Wait a minute. I’m looking at some of Freddie’s other singles. “Tasty Love.”

Jeff: That’s disgusting.

Jason: “Can I Touch You.”

Jeff: Is he Keith Sweat’s alter ego?

Jason: “Rub Up Against You.”

Jeff: Goodness gracious.

Jason: Why couldn’t we get some of those sentiments in this Christmas song?

Jeff: I guess Freddie has class?

Jason: I mean, it would have been awful, but we would have had more to talk about, at least.

Jeff: On December 25th? I’m still holding out hope for a MILLIE Jackson Christmas album.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That would STINK! Literally. I’m pretty sure Millie Jackson doesn’t bathe.

Jeff: That’s Mellowmas giving! I’m going to send her an e-mail about recording next year’s theme song. “Back to the Mellowmas Shit.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: You hear that, Freddie Jackson?

Jason: Do you smell what Millie Jackson is…wearing?

Jeff: If you want to be part of next year’s celebration, let’s hear some of that nasty “Tasty Love” funk in your next holiday album.

Jason: Yeah, Freddie! Bring it! No more of this innocent New Jack Christmas bull!

Jeff: In closing, I would like to leave you, and everyone, with the following image.

Jason: Thanks a lot! What a terrible way to end today’s post!

Jeff: I am ordering you a Millie Jackson “Old Bitches Got It Going On” t-shirt. And her “Butt-A-Cize” CD single.

Jason: I was just about to do the same thing for you!

Jeff: Awwwwwww! Mellowmas really IS the most wonderful time of the year!

Jason: Actually, I was going to buy your mom the “Taking Care of Bitchness” shirt.

Jeff: It’ll go well with her “Taking Care of Bitchness” trucker hat!

Jason: I was going to get her the Young Man, Older Woman DVD, but I’m pretty sure she filmed her own version.

Jeff: I think your mom was in the sequel. Young Man, Older Woman II: The Thickening.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I don’t even know what that means, but I love it!

Jeff: Happy Freddie Jackson Mellowmas, friend! You’ve earned it!

Jason: And to you as well, fucker!

Jeff: And to all a good night!

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Wednesday, December 10th, 2008

The Tenth Day of Mellowmas: The Singing Saw at Mellowmas Time

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Jason: Jeff, I’m in a bad mood today. I don’t know what it is. I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. I’m just…pissy.

Jeff: Where’s your Mellowmas spirit, pal?

Jason: And I feel especially bad, because I think I’m going to take it out on you.

Jeff: Buck up. We’ve got a whole new — wait, what?

Jason: I think I’m going to take it out on you. And our readers. I think I’m going to make you listen to some really, really bad shit today.

Jeff: What did we listen to yesterday? And all the days before?

Jason: That stuff was bad, sure. But I’m talking, like, Earmageddon-level bad.

Jeff: Oh, THAT bad.

Jason: Yeah, you see what I’m talking about.

Jeff: You really are in a bad mood.

Jason: I know.

Jeff: I’m a little excited. Did Lou Reed release A Metal Machine Christmas when I wasn’t looking?

Jason: If we listen to what we’re about to listen to, we have to accept the risk that people may not come back tomorrow. I’m warning you. I’m in a bad mood. Like, subversive.

Jeff: You listen to Richard Marx. I think I can handle your “subversive.”

Jason: So you’re just going to have to go along with me, or I’m going to throw a temper tantrum. And you can ask anybody who’s reading this that’s met me in person, if those people even exist — you don’t want to see me throw a temper tantrum. I’m like, six.

Jeff: All right, Bruce Banner.

Jason: But you say you can handle it.

Jeff: Let’s see what you’ve got.

Jason: Fine. You’ll be sorry. YOU’LL ALL BE SORRY.

Jeff: You’ll be DEAD! ahem

Jason: Let’s listen to Julian Koster’s new album, aka The Singing Saw.

Jeff: Julian whathefuck? The Singing Who?

Jason: The Singing Saw. Turn on “The First Noel.”

Jeff: I don’t want to.

Jason: DO IT.

Jeff: Saws don’t sing.

Jason: Jeff, I’m three seconds away from throwing a dish at the wall.

Jeff: All right, all right.

Julian Koster — The First Noel (download)

From The Singing Saw at Christmastime Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Oh.

Jason: Right? You see? You see what I meant? BAD MOOD, Jeff. Apparently this is a singing saw.

Jeff: Hey, listen…my wife is calling me, or something.

Jason: DON’T YOU DARE FUCKING LEAVE! You PUSSY. I will KILL YOU.

Jeff: Uh…

Jason: Sit the fuck DOWN. SIT. DOWN.

Jeff: Oh, don’t worry. I can’t stand while this is on.

Jason: Listen to the singing saw. Now, I don’t know if this is one singing saw, or two, or three, or what. I just know that it hurts my ears. Like, a lot.

Hey! You reading this! TURN IT BACK ON! I saw you click the play/pause button! Stop that! You’re going to get through this if it kills all of us!

Jeff: Hey, you know who covered this album already?

Jason: Florence Foster Jenkins?

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Close. Stereogum.

Jason: Are you serious? This year?

Jeff: Ugggggggggggggggghh…this is painful. Yes, in July.

Jason: I haven’t read Stereogum in at least 6 months.

Jeff: Best comment: “And I thought it didn’t get any better than Sufjan Stevens singing “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” while I trimmed the tree. I’m getting choked up just thinking about December.”

Jason: Wow, a Stereogum post with only three comments? And this is by a HIPSTER?

Jeff: I guess there are some things too hip for even Stereogum listeners.

Jason: Oh, fuck me. You’ve gotta be kidding me. These are the same people that like…what’s her name? Holy shit, I’ve forgotten. Fuck, what’s her name?

Jeff: I wonder if that isn’t really a saw, but Joanna Newsom singing.

Jason: Joanna Newsom! That’s it!

Jeff: ZING!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

The track is over.
Thankfully for most of you.

Jeff: Oh, it’s over all right.

Jason: But guess what?

Jeff: No.

Jason: Yes. We’re moving on to “Jingle Bells.” I told you. I’m in a subversive mood.

Jeff: Can’t you just go beg your wife for sex?

Jason: Jeff, I have a knife to a kitten’s neck right now, and I swear I’ll cut her if you don’t turn on “Jingle Bells.”

Jeff: Okay, okay.

Jason: I will bleed kitten blood all over this computer if you don’t listen to more singing saw.

Jeff: Stupid cute little kitten.

Jason: “Jingle Bells” it is.

Julian Koster — Jingle Bells (download)

From The Singing Saw at Christmastime Amazon iTunes

Jeff: AHH!

Jason: Right? Right?

Jeff: Wasn’t this on the soundtrack to The Shining?

Jason: Don’t worry. Our readers will get their Shining moment later in the Mellowmas season.

Jeff: I love how the ID3 tag lists the genre as “Alternative.”

Jason: Listen to that chorus! Listen to it! It’s awful!

Jeff: It’s all awful!

Jason: Jeff, you’re not going to believe this. My frown. It’s turning…upside down. I’m starting to…I can’t believe this…smile. This chorus is changing my mood, somehow. I’m…happy.

Jeff: “Singing Saws sing all by themselves. The idea that a Human Being could play one, as one might a cello or a tuba, is a common misconception perpetuated by the saws themselves for their own amusement.”

Jason: Oh, isn’t he a clever little hipster!

Jeff: I was thinking “pompous douche,” but to each his own.

Jason: Wait, I think the chorus is coming around again. Hang on…hang on…here it comes!

Jeff: sigh

Jason: CHORUS!

Jingle bells!
Jingle bells!
Jingle all the way!
Singing saw style!
It’s awful!

Jeff: Oh my God.

Jason: Some hipster is sitting in his apartment on the Lower East Side, pretending to love this! Yaaaaaaaayyyy!

Jeff: I think I just popped an eardrum on that last note.

Jason: Oooh, big finish! Big off-key finish!

Jeff: Ow.

Jason: I love it! One more!

Jeff: WHAT?

Jason: ONE MORE. Jeff, I’ve got a toothpick, and I’m about to stab it into a goldfish if you don’t do one more.

Jeff: Why, why, why?

Jason: Because you love me.

Jeff: You know what you are? You’re the Mellowmas Grinch.

Jason: Isn’t that redundant?

Jeff: Good point. Let’s get this over with.

Jason: One more it is! Hark! I hear something! It’s Herald Angels! They’re singing! Saw-like!

Jeff: Saw V, even!

Julian Koster — Hark! The Herald Angels Sing (download)

From The Singing Saw at Christmastime Amazon iTunes

Jason: Listen to that!

Jeff: Bells?

Jason: I don’t think so!

Jeff: That’s cheating!

Jason: I don’t know what that sound is, exactly.

Jeff: It’s creeping death!

Jason: Yes! Creeping death! I’m so happy now! I’m doing cartwheels! My ears hurt, but my heart is warmed.

Jeff: There’s something wrong with you. I blame myself.

Jason: I know. I warned you before we started. I told you. You didn’t listen. You chose to come on this journey with me. I didn’t force you.

Jeff: Before we started this, you were listening to Lionel Richie and loving the holiday season.

Jason: I don’t remember those days at all. That was a different person. That’s not me anymore.

Jeff: Now you’re a Singing Saw fan.

Jason: A Singing Saw fan? Hell no! I’m not loving this!

Jeff: So we can stop?

Jason: I’m loving the torture that it’s bringing! To you, to myself, and others!

Jeff: Oh.

Jason: We’ll stop when I say we’ll stop. Join the triumph of the skies, Jeff!

Jeff: There is no triumph here.

Jason: With angelic singing saws proclaim! Big finish!

Jeff: Those bells…they sound like Salvation Army volunteers.

Jason: The ones that hate gay people, yes.

Jeff: I wonder if Julian Koster took their bells. With their hands still attached.

Jason: Damn, the song is over.

Jeff: Damn the song is right. Vomits in relief

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! That’s 3 out of 12. Rest assured, readers, the other 9 are just as bad, if not worse.

Jeff: I found them painfully similar.

Jason: If you like shitty music, or Joanna Newsom, you’ll love this album.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: You will also love this album if you love singing saws.

Jeff: And just remember: Someone at Merge Records decided it would be a good idea to give Julian Koster money to make this album.

Jason: Did I tell you that there’s a woman in the subway that plays the singing saw? I’ve seen her at the 59th Street stop.

Jeff: Are you sure it isn’t Julian Koster in the skin of a woman he murdered with his horrible saw?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You know, it could be! I’ve never stopped to look, for fear I’ll turn into a pillar of salt. But I’ll tell you this: she always looks really, really happy.

Jeff: Apparently, the singing saw has a rich tradition. Many not-so-famous musicians have played it.

Marlene Dietrich, for instance.
David Weiss, the retired oboe player from the Los Angeles Philharmonic.
Filmmaker Terry Zwigoff.
And, of course, noted hipster douche Julian Koster.

Jason: I FOUND HER!

Jeff: She has a BLOG? Goddamn, New Yorkers have a lot of change.

Jason: I have to be honest, I kind of like seeing her. She seems really nice. And the music on her webpage is nicer than stupid Julian Koster’s.

Jeff: She’s appeared on the Andy Milonakis Show, of course. And recorded with…John Hiatt?

Jason: !!! You HAVE to like her now! You LOVE John Hiatt!

Jeff: I do, it’s true. I love him a little less now, but still.

Jason: Well, I like her and I like her music. Not Julian Koster’s, though.

Jeff: I guess I just need to learn how to play the cordless drill, and I’ll be invited to appear on one of his albums.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Happy Mellowmas, everybody! Enjoy your singing saw! And if it puts you in a bad mood, send this webpage to everyone you know. I promise you, you’ll feel better.

Jeff: It didn’t make me feel better! Now my head hurts and I don’t think of John Hiatt the same way!

Jason: That’s because you didn’t send it on to anyone, stupid. Send it to your wife.

Jeff: Oh, good idea!

Jason: See? Mellowmas is about GIVING.

Jeff: You’re right. I DO feel better now.

Jason: Told you!

Jeff: Happy Mellowmas to all, and to all a singing goddamn saw!

Jason: You SURE you don’t want to do a fourth track? I might come full circle and get into a bad mood again.

Jeff: Jason, I have an actual saw in my hand, and I will cut off my own head if you don’t let this end here.

Jason: Fair enough.

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Monday, December 8th, 2008

The Eighth Day of Mellowmas: Tuxedomas

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Take off that red-and-green shirt, everybody! Today, for the Eighth Day of Mellowmas, we’re going red, white and blue!

Lee Greenwood — It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (download)

From Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Horns!

Jason: Big production!

Jeff: Whoa. Who is this guy?

Jason: Is that a GUY? Sounds like he’s sucked on some helium! C’mon, You know Lee Greenwood! “God Bless The USA!”

Jeff: I’m…I’m a little stunned. That might be because I’m looking at a picture of Greenwood performing in “his trademark Stars and Stripes jacket.”

Jason: It’s a little hyperactive, yes. And don’t you love that cover? That tux?

Jeff: Oh yes, the tux. I almost forgot about the album cover.

Jason: And here’s the best part…I think either a key change or song switch is coming. I believe every fast-paced song on this song either has a key change or is actually a medley.

Jeff: He looks like a sad old valet who happened to make a Christmas album.

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: Dude, what happened with his voice right there? He turned into Cher for a second, I think. Oh, come ON, Lee Greenwood.

Jason: So I’ll tell you something. I never thought I’d make it through this whole album, but I did. And to my surprise, there were a few tracks I really liked. Like, seriously liked.

Jeff: Yeah, I did too. It isn’t the worst thing we’ve got this year. It has a certain scruffy charm.

Jason: There’s an instrumental “What Child is This” that is kind of nice. The sax is a little Kenny G-esque, though. Also, he does this song called “‘Til the Season Comes ‘Round Again.” Have you ever heard this song before? Because so far, I’ve heard it twice this year. And never before that. Little River Band did it too. And both did a nice job.

Jeff: I think this might be what a Benny Mardones Christmas album would sound like. A little sweaty. Extremely eager to be liked. Although I don’t think Benny would be caught in that stars & stripes jacket.

Jason: Ha! Great picture! Lee knows where his bread is buttered!

Jeff: Actually, I just found out that Lee has a real job. You’ll never guess what it is.

Jason: Librarian? Maitre’D?

Jeff: “In November 2008, President Bush appointed Greenwood to a 6 year term to the National Arts Council.”

Jason: Oh, that’s just fucking PERFECT.

Jeff: Isn’t it, though?

Jason: David Cross has a great bit about Greenwood. He talks about his line “And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today,” and how Greenwood never actually did that.

Jeff: Folks, if our national anthem is changed to “God Bless the USA” at any time during the next six years, be very suspicious.

Jason: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” wasn’t that bad either, by the way. He has a nice voice. And the album is recorded well.

Jeff: I’m still really disappointed that this album doesn’t contain any patriotic songs.

Jason: I agree. I was surprised.

Jeff: Or anything about the “War on Christmas.”

Jason: I figured he’d definitely go that route. But Lee Greenwood, once again, proved me wrong.

Jeff: I would have loved it if Lee had done a duet with Toby Keith about hating “happy holidays.”

Jason: I feel like I owe Lee Greenwood an apology.

Jeff: Looking at the album cover, I feel like Lee Greenwood needs to set the table and fetch me my paper.

Jason: “Winter Wonderland!” It’s a medley! Told you! And those horns are real! How did he afford them? This guy must sit home and pray for war so he gets those “God Bless the USA” royalty checks.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: I mean, how else does he afford…anything? KEY CHANGE! Medley AND key change! This guy really crams it in!

Jeff: Actually, according to his Wikipedia entry, Lee “has charted more than thirty-five singles on the Billboard country music charts.” I suspect they mean Billboard Ukraine, but whatever.

Jason: !!! I stand corrected! Apologies, Lee!

Jeff: Walkin’ in a winter wonderlaaaaaaaaand

Jason: Oooh, soft sensitive finish! The problem with the album is that the uptempo songs are really hyperactive. But like I said, check out those two or three and you might actually find a good holiday moment in there. Here, of course, we only focus on the crap. I don’t know why he had to medley those two songs. Although I guess he figured, why ruin one when you can ruin two?

Jeff: Maybe he only had the horn section booked for one day?

Jason: Oooh, good point! I mean, they don’t sound like fake horns, do they? I expected an album created in Garage Band.

Jeff: Although, again, with that cushy National Arts Council gig, he can surely afford it.

Jason: Like with a Daryl Dragon backing track.

Jeff: I expected the same thing. Lee let me down, man. Also, now I feel bad for Daryl Dragon. How come the guy who wrote “Love Will Keep Us Together” can’t afford a band as nice as Lee Greenwood’s?

Jason: No National Arts Council appointment.

Jeff: Maybe Obama can name Daryl NAC co-chair.

Jason: Greenwood had it coming, though. Here’s Greenwood performing at the Walt Disney World Christmas special, immediately after a speech by the President at the time, George H.W. Bush! Fast forward to about 50 seconds in.

Jason: He’s duetting with Sally Struthers, I think.

Jeff: NO WAY.

Jason: Oh wait, that’s Sandi Patti. Whoever that is.

Jeff: Christian singer, of course! Where the hell is that assbag Michael W. Smith?

Oh, wow.

Jason: THIS is a patriotic song. For Christmas.

Jeff: He sounds like that guy who does the “real American hero” songs. This is AWESOME. Why isn’t THIS on the album? Screw you, Lee Greenwood!

Jason: Ha! Aren’t you glad I found this?

Jeff: Photo montage! Woman dressed creepily like Raggedy Ann!

Jason: Oh, you’re way behind. I’m already on the gospel choir! And Greenwood doing an awkward dance.

Jeff: Oh, man.

Jason: You go, Sally!

Jeff: This is Mellowmas personified.

Jason: Yeah, pretty much. So if the track wasn’t bad enough, throw in this video and you’ve got a true stinker.

Jeff: I wonder if this is the same tux Lee is wearing on the album cover.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I love how they’re singing in front of a podium. I also love Greenwood’s “Michael Bolton Lite” mullet.

Jason: Ha ha ha! Well, I think Bush had just been up there, talking about…I don’t know. I guess a thousand points of light.

Jeff: Yeah, I know. But why couldn’t they give Lee and Sally their own stage? And wat the hell are those people clapping for? Did something else just happen?

Jason: They have to! They’re in the presence of the President of the United States of America!

Jeff: According to one of the comments under the video, Lee and Sally did this for Fourth of July one year, too.

Jason: Wow, that’s a shocker.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: We have to give Greenwood credit. He could have very easily stuck a patriotic number on this disc. But he didn’t. I think I…kind of RESPECT him.

Jeff: You’re right. It pains me to say it, but you’re right.

Jason: Nice job, Lee Greenwood.

Jeff: You…decent guy.

Jason: You maintained some dignity. And that’s not easy to do when George W. Bush appoints you to something. God bless YOU, Lee Greenwood. God bless the USA. And God bless Mellowmas, and all who keep it holy.

Jeff: God bless your kinda-not-shitty Christmas record.

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Sunday, December 7th, 2008

The Seventh Day of Mellowmas: Scatmas!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Happy Seventh Day of Mellowmas, everybody!  As if Al Jarreau didn’t provide us with enough smooth jazz fodder, today we’re stuck with some serious scatting.

Spyro Gyra — The Christmas Song (download)

From A Night Before Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jason: Pbbbbbbbbbblt!

Jeff: Is that Lewis Black? Bobby McFerrin?

Jason: I think it’s Al Jarreau.

Jeff: Is this the theme to “The Cosby Show”?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! What the hell IS this?

Jeff: Ah, here we go.

Jason: Oh shit, there are the instruments! In our FACES!

Jeff: I think this IS Al Jarreau. Did he wander into the wrong studio?

Jason: Have I ever told you that I HATE jazz vocals?

Jeff: No, I don’t think you ever have.

Jason: Jazz scatting, especially. Although he seems to have stopped for the moment. However, he’s increased the drama in his vocal to, like, 11.

Jeff: Why have I not sent you everything by Diana Krall?

Jason: No, I kind of like Diana Krall. It’s these kinds of vocals that I hate. The whiny-scat kind.

Jeff: Wait, this isn’t Al Jarreau.

Jason: It’s not?

Jeff: This is a guy wanting to sound like Al Jarreau.

Jason: He reminds me of a type of desperate actor who shows up at musical theatre auditions, trying to make a unique impression. And all you can think is, “what a jackass.”

Jeff: Why would you do this? And by “this,” I mean two things:

1) Try to copy Jarreau, and
2) repeatedly kick the song’s melody in the nuts.

Jason: The instrumentation isn’t bad. Hey, jazz swing!

Jeff: Vince Guaraldi!

Jason: Now we’re cookin’! Oooh, guitar solo!

Jeff: I feel like I’m at Nordstrom’s.

Jason: If we could just keep the vocal out of this mix!

Jeff: Ugh, the asshat is back.

Jason: Shit. I thought we were done with him. And now he’s trying to do a Stevie Wonder thing.

You know, I haven’t heard any Spyro Gyra before, except for this album. And I’ll be honest, the album isn’t bad.

Jeff: No, you’re right, it isn’t all that bad. I went into it expecting Kenny G-type crap, but it’s pretty tasteful.

Jason: However, this song is really irritating.

Jeff: Baddadeebaddadeebaddadee

Jason: I can tolerate it as a blip in an otherwise nice album.

Jeff: The vocalist is fighting with the sax.

Jason: Seriously!

Ooh, gentle ending? The piano sounds really nice. But I just can’t deal with these vocals.

Jeff: Hmm It sounds like everyone in the band except the bass player and the drummer expected the song to end for a minute, and then they all realized it wasn’t over yet.

Jason: Ooooh, I wasn’t expecting THOSE chords to end the song!

Jeff: How about the creepy whisper at the end?

Jason: “Merry Christmas.”

Jeff: Did you expect that?

Jason: Not at all! It was kind of sketchy, to be honest.

Jeff: So as it turns out, Spyro Gyra is from your favorite town in upstate New York. Buffalo.

Jason: Really? No way!

Jeff: Yep!

Jason: How about that! I mean, I’ve heard of them before, but I’ve never heard anything they’ve done.

Jeff: One of the guys went to SUNY Buffalo.

Jason: My alma mater! Sucks for them! That school is terrible! I mean, look where it got me. I’m sitting here doing Mellowmas with you.

Jeff: I wish there was some kind of civic pride station in Buffalo that played nothing but Spyro Gyra and the Goo Goo Dolls.

Jason: And Ani DiFranco. Man, I would NEVER listen to that station.

Jeff: I’m looking at their discography now. Jesus. 24 studio albums, two live albums, one Christmas album, and four compilations.

Jason: Apparently we’re the only ones who haven’t jumped on the Spyro Gyra train.

Jeff: 10 Grammy nominations! Zero wins!

Jason: Awwww! Poor Spyro Gyra!

Jeff: “Due to the wealth of Grammy nominations and complete lack of wins, saxophonist Jay Beckenstein is fond of referring to Spyro Gyra as “The Susan Lucci of Jazz” during live performances.”

Jason: Except Susan Lucci has now won a Daytime Emmy.

Jeff: Yeah, I wonder if Beckenstein cried that night.

Jason: Who’s singing on “The Christmas Song”? Is he in the band or a guest?

Jeff: I don’t even care about that guy. Whoever he is, I hate him. Stupid Jarreau impersonator.

Jason: There’s a special place in hell reserved for those who prefer to scat on jazz records.

Jeff: Oh, this is perfect: “Their music can be heard during The Weather Channel’s Local on the 8s segments and their song “Breakfast at Igor’s” is included in their 2008 compilation release, The Weather Channel Presents: Smooth Jazz II.”

Jason: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Jeff: If I were in the band, I would get a Wikipedia account just to erase that.

Jason: I used to watch Local on the 8s. I thought all they used as backing music was “Breezin’.” Or maybe “Feels So Good.”

Jeff: Wait, someone watches that? I thought only Cliff Clavin watched that.

Jason: I don’t watch it anymore, but we used to watch it while getting ready for work. Isn’t that lame?

Jeff: Couldn’t you just look out a window? You do have a window, don’t you?

Jason: Jeff, I live in Queens. If I look out my window, I’ll get shot.

Jeff: Right, right, sorry. Hey, try something for me, would you?

Jason: Sure.

Jeff: Play “The Christmas Song” out your window and see what happens.

Jason: Are you KIDDING? We’ll never get through Mellowmas!

Jeff: Baddadeebaddadeebaddadee Jason got shot

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! As a service to our readers, I want to tell them the songs on this album that are actually decent.

Jeff: Go on. Service our readers.

Jason: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is good. So is “O Tannenbaum.” And “It Won’t Feel Like Christmas,” even though it features a jazz vocal, is kind of nice too. Those were my three favorites. There’s a duet on “Baby It’s Cold Outside” that is simply pitiful.

Jeff: Well, there you have it, smooth jazz Mellowmas fans.

Jason: Yup. Man, this was a disappointing day for Mellowmas, wasn’t it? I guess they can’t all be winners.

Jeff: Winners?

Jason: Well, you know, put it in context. But readers, if you’re disappointed with today, I’d say just replay the first 3 seconds of this track.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Just the part where he’s going “PBBBBBBBBBBBLT…WAP!”

Jeff: I think we might just be numb to this by now. Readers, if you’re disappointed with today, play this track for someone who doesn’t know about Mellowmas.

Jason: Good idea. Tell them it’s your favorite Christmas song.

Jeff: Tell us what they do.

Jason: Then put on your best Cosby sweater. Snap your fingers.

Jeff: And scat.

Jason: And smile real big. And let us know how quickly they slap you in the face.

Jeff: Send us your stories. Our favorite one gets a free copy of this lousy album. Delivered on or after December 26, of course.

Jason: Oooh, awesome idea, Jeff! Mellowmas contest, y’all! And if you can send photos of your friends’ reactions…even better.

I bet nobody takes us up on this contest. I know I wouldn’t. Too dangerous.

Jeff: That’s what you said about Mellowmas in general. And now look where we are! The Kings of Mellowmas!

Jason: Yes! Let’s reflect, shall we? PBBBBBBBBBBBBBLT…wap!

Jeff: Baddadeebaddadeebaddadee!

Jason: gunshots

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Saturday, December 6th, 2008

The Sixth Day of Mellowmas: Boltonmas!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

We try not to repeat artists we’ve covered in years past during The 25 Days of Mellowmas, but today we make an exception. We had to. Look at that album cover below.  Look at stupid, smug Michael Bolton.  Look how he’s taunting us, almost saying, “take your best shot, assholes.”  Mr. Bolton, the gauntlet has been thrown!

Michael Bolton — Silent Night (download)

bolton.jpg

From Swingin’ Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: So gentle and pretty. And Bolton isn’t even shouting!

Jason: Didn’t we cover Bolton last year?

Jeff: I feel like we did, yeah. Maybe it was “Silent Night.”

Jason: No, we didn’t do this one. Last year he was yelling at us. Now he’s just kind of whimpering soulfully.

Jeff: I can take a little Bolton when it’s restrained like this.

Jason: This isn’t that bad, actually. Oooh, falsetto!

Jeff: I do miss the mullet on the cover. He looks a little too respectable.

Jason: I don’t hate this too much. I mean, it’s still Bolton, but it’s really not bad.

Jeff: Wait, do you hear that? He’s starting to fuck around with the melody.

Jason: A little, yes.

Jeff: He’s starting…he’s starting to yell.

Jason: I think we’re going to get some more.

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallelujah!

Jason: Here it comes, on “Christ…”

Jeff: Why does he do this every time?

Jason: Because he’s really, really angry, Jeff. KEY CHANGE!

Jeff: Dude, he just hummed a little before he yelled “Silent night.”

Jason: He did? There’s the swing in “Swingin’ Christmas!” LOVE’S PURE LIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!

Jeff: I tell you what, though: I am literally wishing for a silent night right now.

Jason: It’s like he’s saying, “now you’re all in big, big trouble.” Does Michael Bolton have kids?

Jeff: Oh, imagine if he did? See? More humming!

Jason: Yup, there it is. He got quiet again at the end.

Jeff: Bolton just gave us a hummer!

Jason: This is like a psychological mind-fuck. This is probably what he does with Nicolette. He’s all gentle, then he fucking freaks out, and then he’s quiet again. And she’s stuck there going, “wait, what just happened?”

Jeff: I think you may have unlocked the source of Bolton’s mysterious appeal. He lures the bitches in, scares them half to death, and then soothes them. I wonder if anyone has written a thesis about his music. I’d like to see his shout-to-sing ratio plotted out on a graph.

Jason: I imagine it probably got higher after the mid-’90s. Look at the cover. Doesn’t it look like that star is going right into his head?

Jeff: There’s room for a galaxy in there.

Jason: It’s like it had a mission — “destroy the mullet” — and then got all confused when it got there. Like Nicolette. Poor Nicolette.

Jeff: She knew what she was getting into.

Jason: He probably starts singing this shit in October.

Jeff: Are you kidding? He probably squeezed this out in one take between rounds of golf in April.

Jason: Still, I have to be honest. That was nowhere near as bad as it could’ve been, really. The arrangement was pretty classy. Yeah, he got a little pissy in the middle, but still, we could have gotten it so much worse. It’s like he tapped us on the head a little instead of punching us in the teeth.

Jeff: No, that’s what’s frustrating about Bolton. He has a modicum of talent, and enough dough to afford real producers and musicians, but he insists on screwing things up — and not in a really interesting way. Kind of like that Air Supply record we listened to during our first Mellowmas.

Jason: I still remember that one! “Love Is All.”

Jeff: I can’t believe you remember the title.

Jason: Yeah, me neither. Sad, isn’t it?

Jeff: I’m sorry, what did you say? I can’t stop staring at that star next to Bolton’s head now. I think it’s talking to me.

Jason: I don’t know how I feel about this one. I mean, I’m not surprised like I was last year with Carrack, but I’m not throwing it out the window with Little River Band and Judy Collins, either.

Jeff: Man, I bet Bolton could sing the fuck out of “Song for Sarajevo.”

Jason: Seriously! And he’d yell just loud enough for me to make a donation. He’d probably set off the landmines with his voice.

Jeff: That would be the best Mellowmas present ever.

Jason: What, Bolton thousands and thousands of miles away, dodging landmines? Agreed.

Jeff: Who said anything about dodging them?

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Friday, December 5th, 2008

The Fifth Day of Mellowmas: A Little River Christmas

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

We bet you didn’t even know that Little River Band released a Christmas CD this year!  Well, now you know.  Please, thank us later.

Little River Band — Mary’s Christmas (download)

From We Call It Crap Christmas Amazon

Jeff: Ooh, pretty!

Jason: Pretty piano opening.

Jeff: Nice guitar. And here’s the dildo singer to ruin it all.

Jason: She was an ordinary girl who…oh, no.

She was an ordinary girl who loved a carpenter
Now they’re makin’ wedding plans
She knows he could leave her there to bear the shame
But he’s not that kinda man.

Oh, fuck. What the hell are they talking about? What is this, some contemporary Christmas story?

Jeff: They’re totally turning the baby Jesus story into a red-state tale of premarital sex woe!

Jason: “It will be a miracle if they can get through this.” Are they talking about us?

Jeff: Joseph is just some poor bastard who’s gotten roped into raising Mary’s bastard baby!

Jason: Hey, it’s HER Christmas, dude.

Jeff: True, true. Is that why she’s guzzling Schapps even though she’s nine months pregnant?

Jason: Oh my god. They’re talking about rumors spreading.

Jeff: This is AWFUL.

Jason: I know.

Jeff: They just did the bit about Mary being told her baby will be a king one day, but tonight he’s just her baby, and the world will have to wait.

Jason: And who do we blame? I mean, Little River Band doesn’t even have any of the original members, right?

Jeff: This makes Barry’s song look restrained. Soaring guitar solo! Gearshift! FUCK YOU, LITTLE RIVER BAND!

Jason: They rhyme “Christmas” with “sure just.” Who DOES that?

Jeff: We call them dried-up has-beens.

Jason: “Just an ordinary girl who loved a carpenter.”

Jeff: Oh, that was foul.

Jason: Thank god they repeated that line.

Jeff: Yeah.

Jason: Because I had almost forgotten how much it irritated me the first time around.

Jeff: I do believe I detected the distinctive odor of the pro-life movement in those lyrics, too.

Jason: I played this for Jessica and she said, “this is offensive to…absolutely everybody.”

Jeff: It takes a special kind of dickweed to insert your political beliefs into a holiday song, doesn’t it?

Jason: (stares at Judy Collins)

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! Careful — I’ve heard that if you look her directly in the eyes, you turn to stone.

Jason: Hold on, I’m squeezing toothpaste into my eyes.

Jeff: Anyway, back to this shitty band. Are all the original members gone? Who can we blame for writing this terrible piece of dreck?

Jason: Hold on, I’ll get the CD. It’s under a few banana peels in the kitchen garbage.

Jeff: That was a gift!

Jason: I’m re-gifting it! To the kids that were bombed in Sarajevo!

Jeff: Haven’t they suffered enough? Rivers of blood, fire raining from the sky, AND the Shitty River Band?

Jason: Music credits go to “Elenburg, Helton, Swain.” Who are “Elenburg, Helton, Swain”?

Jeff: I’m trying to get their address. No luck. They must be pseudonyms.

Jason: Smart move. Plus, this CD has no UPC code, no record label information…

Jeff: All I know is, if I ever meet anyone with any of those last names, I’m kicking them in the junk.

Jason: So the oldest member of the band, I believe, is Wayne Nelson, who is the bassist and sings lead vocals.

Jeff: But is he a founding member?

Jason: Oh, of course not. He joined in 1980, 5 years after the band formed.

Jeff: That’s hilarious.

Jason: The band started in Australia, but i’m not sure any Australians are in it. Nelson is from Rome, Illinois. A suburb of Peoria. “Song for Peoria.”

Jeff: I’m looking at a LRB message board thread about this album.

Jason: Oh yeah?

Jeff: “I just checked thier website, and there’s no original members left! I’ll take a pass on this…”

Jason: Ha ha ha! I know what’s going to happen next. We’re going to get one of those “LRB are GREAT! You’re just jealous!” comments.

Jeff: Oh, I hope so. I’d love to talk to a LRB fan and find out what makes them tick. Other than light beer and generic cigarettes.

Jason: Okay, so I found this about the disc: “We chose songs written by a diverse group of writers – from Kenny Loggins to Keb Mo, from Neil Diamond to Mariah Carey.”

Jeff: What?

Jason: I’m serious!

Jeff: Oh shit, they do “Celebrate Me Home”!

Jason: Yeah. It’s not good. Kenny’s version was at least a little soulful. Not this version. I will tell you that their version of “Silent Night” starts out as a guitar instrumental, and is absolutely awesome. No joke.

Jeff: If this was an instrumental album, I think I might like it.

Jason: But then they add vocals and shit and they turn it to crap. And their version of “‘Til the Season Comes ‘Round Again” is also quite nice. There are a few songs on there that aren’t too bad, to be honest.

Jeff: God, you’re really into the giving spirit of Mellowmas, aren’t you?

Jason: “Mary’s Christmas,” however, is…well, you know. Have you listened to the rest of the CD?

Jeff: I hear “Mary’s Christmas” and I never want to listen to another LRB song again.

Jason: Have you?

Jeff: No!

Jason: What the FUCK, Jeff? I’ve listened to EVERY SINGLE SONG you’ve sent me for Mellowmas consideration! EVERY SINGLE ONE! I listened to the ENTIRE Jarreau CD. And all of Judy Collins.

Jeff: Well, you know, you made a mistake, which was telling me which song you wanted us to do from this album. This is the only one I haven’t listened to all of, if it makes you feel better.

Jason: It doesn’t. Listen to all of it and then I’ll feel better.

Jeff: Having heard “Mary’s Christmas,” I can understand why it doesn’t make you feel better.

Jason: Especially listen to “Jesus, Oh What a Wonderful Child” or “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” which is a song that just never, ever, ever needs to be covered.

Jeff: Especially by some hacks using someone else’s band name.

Jason: The original members of the band lost the rights to the name. So they have to tour under their last names.

Jeff: That’s almost as sad as “Song for Sarajevo.”

Jason: Which, as you can imagine, sells MILLIONS of tickets. I wonder if they would have the balls to rhyme “Christmas” with “sure just”?

Jeff: If I started a band, and it sold some records, and then some other asswipes went and stole the name for shit like this, I don’t think I’d have the energy to do much other than cry.

Jason: Just an ordinary girl who loved a carpenter, Jeff.

Oh, wait! Maybe the lyric is “Just an ordinary girl who loved a Carpenter.” Maybe she’s talking about Richard?

Jeff: …Or Karen! The love that dares not speak its name!

Jason: Oooh, lesbian gearshift! I like it!

Jeff: Ooh, “Mary’s Christmas” just got a whole lot better!

Jason: There’s a joke to be made here about a Christmas bush, I just know it.

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