Jeff: Well, Jason, here we are. Mellowmas morn.
Jason: WE MADE IT! What a year it’s been!
Jeff: We’ve heard so much…music!
Jason: That’s not the word I’d use to describe it, but yes. Think of all the artists we’ve endured! Keeli and the bows on her naughty parts!
Jeff: shudder
Jason: The Pishing Birder! Those guys who were rendered horny by Christmas!
Jeff: I think you’ve made your point. There has been a lot of enduring. So much enduring.
Jason: It’s been rough. But the good news is that here we are, last day. It’s pretty much over.
Jeff: A decade of enduring, in fact! And here I am, about to let you get away.
Jason: I feel like everything we wanted to cover has been covered.
Wait, what? Get away from what? Mellowmas? We agreed, man. This is it for the 25 Days of Mellowmas. We can’t go back on that now.
Jeff: I know! Just one more day to go. Just one more day of enduring.
Jason: Just one more day. I can handle one more day.
Jeff: looks at Jason expectantly
Jason: I’m feeling pretty good about all we’ve accomplished — this season and all of the years prior.
Jeff: Sure, sure.
Jason: And while I don’t understand why you’re looking at me that way, I feel pretty confident that, in the words of one Matthew Wilder, there is nothing that will break-a my stride.
Jeff: You know what they say about confidence, Jason.
Jason: I don’t. What do they say about confidence?
Jeff: Pride, my dear old friend, it goeth before a fall.
Jason: Jeff. Seriously. I’ve heard Beulah this year. I’ve listened to Fred Figglehorn. Shelley Duvall. Pierre Perpall.
Jeff: This Mellowmas has gone by so fast, I think you may have forgotten that we’ve skipped over a very important part of our holiday tradition.
Jason: Drinking ourselves into oblivion on the night of the 25th?
Jeff: That will happen in due time. But first!
Jason: But first what?
Jeff: First I have something, and I need to give it to someone special. You’ll do.
Jason: Someone special…
That sounds familiar…
Jeff: deadbolts Mellowmas door
Jason: OH NO
YOU WOULDN’T.
Jeff: You know I would, fucker!
Jason: JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T JEFF DON’T
Jeff: I’ve been waiting all Mellowmas for this. And now here we are.
Jason: You couldn’t possibly mean…
Jeff: You have one foot out the door, but first it is time for the Great “Last Christmas” Massacre of 2015!
Jason: I wish you could see my face right now. I am SEETHING with rage.
Jeff: leprechaun dance
Jason: My hands are shaking.
Jeff: I wonder what they’ll be doing in a few minutes! We have so much in store for us, Jason.
Jason: I just broke out into a cold sweat.
Jeff: Remember what we were saying before about enduring?
Jason: I don’t remember anything before you locked the door, you sadistic fuck.
Jeff: Once bitten and twice shy, Jason. This year, there is no saving you from tears.
Jason: shiver
I can’t. I won’t. I willn’t.
Jeff: The thing about “Last Christmas,” Jason, is that SO MANY PEOPLE cover it. And you love this song so much, you kind of want to hear all of them!
Jason: We’re not going to have this conversation again, are we? I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE WANT TO COVER IT AND I NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE WANT TO COVER IT
IT IS JUST FINE THE WAY IT IS
Jeff: And yet they continue to seek improvement. I’ve sampled so many covers of “Last Christmas” this year, Jason.
Jason: I believe you. I believe you and I hate you.
Jeff: My favorite thing about “Last Christmas” covers is that most of them use the same canned backing track. Not all of them do, however! Some of them are very different. Very, very different.
Jason: I want my mommy.
Jeff: On a semi-related note, have you ever heard of DJ Scumbag? Asking for a friend.
Jason: One-half of that name is one I could easily use to describe you.
Jeff: You gave me your heart.
Jason: But the very next day, you took a piss on it.
Jeff: Which brings us to DJ Scumbag and his Hardcore X-Mas Remix of “Last Christmas”!
I can’t wait for you to hear this. You’re going to love it.
Jason: You don’t know me at all.
Jason: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Jeff: So festive!
Jason: WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
Jeff: Happy holidays, Jason!
Jason: THIS IS NOT LAST CHRISTMAS
Jeff: Hold on, I’m taking Ecstasy.
Yay, vocals!
Jason: wait wait wait wait.
Jeff: DJ Scumbag is unique! There’s no one like DJ Scumbag.
Jason: So they just put George Michael on chipmunk mode?
Jeff: OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ
BREAKDOWN!
Jason: Also, that’s probably not the first time “George Michael” and “chipmunk mode” have been used in the same sentence.
Jeff: Are you wearing leather pants? I think you probably should be.
Jason: SERIOUSLY, Jeff. What the hell is going on. I am being slapped in the face right now by DJ Scumbag.
Jeff: It’s a whole new spin on “Last Christmas”! Are you not thrilled to be hearing this?
Jason: IT WON’T STOP. I can’t believe I’m actually longing to hear Chipmunk Wham! again.
Jeff: I’m a merciful Mellowmas friend. We can switch to something new. Have I mentioned that KC and the Sunshine Band covered “Last Christmas”?
Jason: They did?
Jeff: They did! And you totally want to hear it. Ready?
Jason: AUGH
Jeff: Ah, that’s more like it. Good ol’ talking intro.
Jason: Did KC just wish me a merry Christmas and say he loves me?
Jeff: He loves you, Jason!
Jason: I guess that bassline isn’t bad.
Jeff: Horns! What’s up, KC?
Jason: Well, at least he didn’t use Auto-Tune.
Jeff: I have to say, I find this version surprisingly square. KC seems like he might be out of breath, and that horn arrangement is dreadful.
Jason: I don’t think anybody would listen to this and think, “Oh, that’s KC and the Sunshine Band.” His “Happy Christmas” sounded like when my accountant says it to me.
Jeff: Of all the people we’ve heard cover this song, I think he might sound the least emotionally connected to the lyrics. All things being equal, I’d rather listen to “Give It Up” or “Please Don’t Go.”
Jason: “Please Don’t Go” features the worst vocal ever.
Jeff: Worse than this? I dispute your assertion.
Jason: I’m pretty sure he’s never actually heard the original “Last Christmas.”
Jeff: We can ask him later. In the meantime, I need a “Last Christmas” with more soul.
Jason: No you don’t. You actually don’t need that.
Jeff: Oh, hey, look!
Jason: I will not look.
Jeff: Soul Made covered “Last Christmas” on the holiday compilation 100% Black Christmas. This is perfect.
Jason: You don’t understand the meaning of the word “perfect.”
Jason: Um, that album cover.
Jeff: It’s just about perfect.
Jason: Just saying.
Jeff: #pushface
Jason: Oh good, understated vocals.
Jeff: Now EVERYTHING smells like Drakkar.
So smooth, Jason.
Jason: The line is NOT “You saved me from tears.” If that were the case, you wouldn’t have to give your heart to someone special NEXT year. Jesus.
Oh, I see this features Lynn and Burney. I was wondering what they were up to.
Jeff: At least they didn’t sing “sannit.”
Emoting! So much emoting for Christmas. So many syllables.
Jason: You sannit from tears! You sannit!
Jeff: Give it to someone … speciaaalalalalaaaall
Hell yes.
Jason: This isn’t that bad. I wouldn’t listen to it again, but it’s not bad.
Jeff: No, you’re right, and I think I’m just about souled up for the moment. I think maybe now I’m in the mood for a very white “Last Christmas.”
Jason: …didn’t we just listen to KC and the Sunshine Band? How can it get whiter?
OH GOD I THINK I JUST SET YOU UP
Jeff: I’m so glad you asked!
Jason: I didn’t mean to ask! I swear!
Jeff: Jason, did you know the Osmonds covered “Last Christmas”? Because they totally did. Merry Christmas, Jason. Merry Christmas from the Osmonds.
Jason: Please tell Donny Osmond to go suck it.
Jeff: I doubt Donny was involved. I’m pretty sure these were downmarket Osmonds. Cousins and stuff. But regardless!
Jason: sigh
Jeff: They put in the time and effort to record a cover of “Last Christmas,” and now it is incumbent upon us to listen to said cover. Ready?
Jason: I hate you.
Jeff: Well, this definitely sounds like something the Osmonds would do.
Jason: Yes, absolutely.
Oh wow. The way they said “heart.”
Jeff: “Let’s all sing right on top of the beat together!”
This guy is pinching his nose when he sings, I know it. So much enunciation! Kevin Cronin would be proud.
Jason: Well, you were right: No Donny.
Jeff: This is “Last Christmas” if “Last Christmas” were a v-neck sweater.
Jason: Hang on, looking to see if I can get a list of Pledgers.
Jeff: Bop bop bop bop!
Jason: Oh my God, I have so much poop to quickly get into boxes and out to the post office.
Best comment on that page: “What a rip off!!! The cd on this site has 17 songs and the one on Amazon has 26 songs….what a waste of money!!!”
Jeff: I never thought I’d think anyone sounded less funky than Peter Noone, Jason. And yet here we are.
Speaking of funk, that gives me a thought.
Jason: Could you stop thinking, please?
Jeff: I think it’s time to bring it down a little. Pause for a moment of reflection.
I think Minuteman is just the artist to help us do that.
Jason: By “bring it down,” do you mean “turn it off”? Because if so, I’m totally 100% on board.
Whoman?
Jeff: Did you know Minuteman covered “Last Christmas,” Jason? Because he did.
Jason: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO MINUTEMAN IS, YOU SON OF A BITCH
Jeff: Not yet you don’t! BUT YOU WILL.
Jason: Ahhhhhhh!
Jeff: Ah, there’s that sensitivity I was looking for.
Jason: Creepymas!
Jeff: A palate cleanser.
Jason: Is this person trying to attract a pishing birder?
Jeff: I’m so glad this version is five minutes long. Do you hear the calliope in the background? That’s a special touch.
Jason:
Jeff: I recommend listening with headphones. That’s the only way to really experience the way the vocals are mixed right up in your canal.
Jason: Why did someone…why would they…I can’t. I am out of words.
Jeff: You can’t say you’ve ever listened to a version of “Last Christmas” like this version of “Last Christmas.” What a Mellowmas gift!
Jason: I have never heard anything like this ever.
Jeff: You’re welcome.
Jason: Wait a second. What’s the name of Paul McCartney’s side project? The Fireman?
…is this Neil Young?
Jeff: IT MIGHT BE!
Jason: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
Jeff: This is the drama of “Last Christmas” expressed through bloops and screaming, Jason. This version just builds and builds until you almost can’t take it anymore, doesn’t it?
Jason: I too have the bloops after listening to this. You’re a dick, Neil Young.
The bloops are getting worse. I feel like I’m in a holiday version of “A Clockwork Orange.”
Oh it’s over thank God it’s over.
Jeff: Fortunately, there are still so many covers left.
Jason: ARE YOU KIDDING ME GILES
How many is that so far today? Like twelve?
Jeff: There’s a wide world of musical wonder out there, buddy! I don’t know, but I do know this: we haven’t listened to a punk version yet.
Jason: Jeff, my kids want me to come upstairs and open presents with them. They don’t care that you haven’t yet played me a punk version of “Last Christmas.” THEY DON’T CARE.
Jeff: That’s just because they don’t understand the might and majesty of Punk People, Jason. If they did, they might feel differently. Punk People recorded an album called Punk Christmas, and hey — just our luck! They included a cover of your favorite song.
Jason: One day, I’m going to have to explain to my children why Daddy wasn’t around on Christmas Day. And clearly today is not that day because I HAVE TO LISTEN TO PUNK PEOPLE.
Jeff: This day is the greatest day.
Jason: …I don’t think this is punk.
Jeff: Well, there’s a horse on the cover, so that must count for something.
Also, this guy sounds like he’s very purposefully sneering as he sings. That’s punk, right?
Jason: This version smells like hair gel.
Jeff: How many of the Punk People do you think are middle managers by day?
The Ramones would have been done by now.
Jason: Yeah, good point. Why would a punk version be anything over two minutes?
Jeff: I don’t know, but I’m kind of bored. I feel like we might be listening to the same 90-second recording on a loop.
Jason: Speaking of two minutes, I just passed the two minute mark and my wife told me she’s throwing my Christmas presents out on the lawn if I’m not upstairs in 60 seconds.
Jeff: But if you go now, you’ll miss 2015’s biggest BRAND NEW “Last Christmas”!
Jason: Can I just be okay with that?
Jeff: I can’t let you live with that kind of nagging guilt.
Jason: What a nice person you are.
Jeff: What kind of nagging guilt, you ask? The kind that goes with missing out on Carly Rae Jepsen’s cover of “Last Christmas.”
Jason: Ah HA! You’re not going to get me this time, Giles! I LOVE Carly Ray Jepsen.
Jeff: If you love her so much, I wish you’d spell her name right. Jeez.
Jason: I hate you. I don’t know if I’ve said that lately.
Jeff: Also, I love that you love Carly Rae Jepsen. This is what comes from working in an office with kids in their 20s. Five years from now, you can join Punk People!
Jason: You don’t like “I Really Like You”? If you don’t like “I Really Like You,” you have a problem.
Jeff: Sure! Great video, too. Carly Rae Jepsen is great. I have such high hopes for her cover of “Last Christmas.” Don’t you?
Jason: The best part about that video is how Justin Bieber doesn’t say anything in it.
And yes, actually, I do. I bet it’s going to be good. Maybe even great.
Sorry, “gRAEt.”
Jeff: Hey, a sax! Thank you, Carly Rae Jepsen’s producer! Thank you for the sax.
Jason: Hey, look at that? Something different. I’m on board so far.
Jeff: I think George Michael might approve of this.
Jason: I think George Michael approves of every single cover. It keeps him in marijuana money.
Jeff: ’80s synths! Pillowy soft vocals!
Jason: Guess what, fucker? I like this!
Jeff: Quiet, I’m dancing with myself.
Jason: Ewwww.
Jeff: Why isn’t this the version that’s five minutes long?
Jason: Ba ba ba da dup!
Jeff: I am 100 percent on board with this.
Jason: IT’S THE MELLOWMAS MIRACLE OF 2015
I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
Jeff: St. Carly Rae!
Jason: weeps with joy and relief
sorry, RAElief
Jeff: Oooh, what if she cut a duet with McD?
Jason: If that happened, I would lose my goddamn mind.
Jeff: Hey, what if McD covered “Last Christmas”? I feel like I should go look.
Jason: There’s no way that happened. Someone would have told me already.
Jeff: Damn! He hasn’t. It’ll have to wait for his fifth Christmas album.
Jason: Well, I’m feeling good about how THIS ended!
Jeff: You earned it, pal. You sannit and you earned it.
Jason: Just when I thought all hope was lost, Karlee Reigh Jepsun saved the day!
Jeff: Whooda thunk it?
Jason: My mind turned to mush somewhere around Day Two.
Jeff: Day Two, Year One!
Jason: Exactly!
Jeff: And now it’s all over. I’ve gotta say, I’m really going to miss this.
Jason: You know? Me too.
Jeff: So much work to so little end, and yet…
Jason: Maybe we can come back and do a few random days next year. Or maybe the year after that. Why rush?
Jeff: Or maybe we’ll just have our daughters take over five years from now. Hell, we’ve done our part.
Jason: But it’s funny. You mentioned Day Two, Year One. Do you remember the song we covered that day?
Jeff: Goodness, no.
Jason: Right. Who would expect you to remember? Or anybody to remember? Other than Jeffrey Thames?
Jeff: Certainly not me!
Jason: Fortunately, I have the solution. May I present to you The Mellowmas Database.
Jeff: jaw drops
Jason: A complete spreadsheet of every song we’ve ever covered by every artist for every single day of Mellowmas since 2006.
Jeff: Good God. If only you’d shown me this five, six, seven years ago.
Jason: What then?
Jeff: I would have heeded your constant cries to end this damn thing!
Jason: If I had known that’s all it would have taken, I wouldn’t have waited until this summer to work on it!
Jeff: I feel like one of those cavemen looking at the monolith in 2001, except it’s a spreadsheet instead of alien life, and the spreadsheet contains monolithic proof of my foolishness.
I feel sick. I need to lie down.
Jason: This is the part where you go to sleep and wake up next to Suzanne Pleshette, right?
Jeff: Please hit me in the head with a golf ball.
Jason: Or is this the part where I look in the Mellowmas snow globe and realize the whole holiday was all in the mind of some really sick person?
Jeff: YOU, IT WAS YOU
Jason: A sincere thank you to everyone who stuck around all these years. And a hearty pat on the back to all of you who wisely ditched us somewhere around 2009.
Jeff: And to Alan O’Day! And Terje Fjelde!
And the community of commenters who’ve come back to join in our “fun,” year after year.
And Jeffrey Thames, who is a son of a bitch, but he’s OUR son of a bitch.
Jason: We promise to come visit you again in the not-too-distant future.
Jeff: And you, you weaselly, beautiful fucker, for dreaming up this madness in the first place.
Jason: I would have never wanted to do it without you!
Jeff: Likewise, buddy. Ready to turn out the lights and figure out what happens next?
Jason: You got it. Come join me in my favorite mode of transportation. I’ll give you a hint: it’s not a traditional sleigh cart.
Jeff: JEFF AND JASOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON
Jason: ON A HELICOPTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
Jeff: Happy Mellowmas to all, and to all a good night!
Jason: belches
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